I do not know what is compelling me to write this now. I feel so alone and misunderstood sometimes so maybe writing is a viable way to explain myself. It’s almost hard to put into words the internal pain of depression. The past few weeks have felt like hell on Earth. I label myself as agnostic but I have prayed that I would fall asleep and not wake up. Everyone wants to die peacefully I think and this is my desire as well. I have even envisioned that I would develop some incurable or terminal disease as well. That’s how bad I want an escape from all of this.
All I care to do is sleep, sleep and sleep. The bed is the only place I can find a little bit of comfort. I know it is not the healthiest of coping mechanisms to sleep on and off all day but my desire to be up and about is not there. I am so tired at times that I feel as if there are chains wrapped around my waist and that I am dragging some huge boulder behind me. What really gets me the most is the hopelessness. I feel sad I am not living the life that I want. I feel sad I have not accomplished more and that I have failed way more than I have succeeded. I have been fired several times which is a huge source of embarrassment for me now and hangs over my head a lot. I have lived in the same apartment for 8-9 years. I had high hopes for myself at times, even thinking I was meant for something better. I wanted to be somebody. But here I sit, unemployed on a Thursday, hurting so bad I want to crawl back under the sheets.
As someone with a masters degree in counseling, I know what you are “supposed” to do to feel better. Take meds, go see a therapist, exercise, talk to someone, think positively, etc, etc. But right now, the symptoms of this horrible illness are eating me alive. 2014 has been one hell of a bad year. Losing my mom was shocking and she was the only one who has loved me unconditionally. I wish she was here to give me a hug or simply hold my hand. Sometimes that’s all I need or want. Very few people seem to care about me or my struggles. Rarely does anyone reach out to ask how I am. I am sure this is partly my fault but when you feel so bad, a caring word can mean a lot or to simply have someone reach out and know you are being thought of. I am struggling with my mom’s death and her lack of presence in my life. I got laid off this year too shortly afterwards so that amount of loss is overwhelming.
I am not sure what I want people to take away from this. Maybe I just needed to write this for myself. Again, it is hard to put the real life struggles into perspective. But what I do know is that it is not going away. I wish it would. For good.