I always knew something wasn’t right with me, from the beginning and as far back as I can remember. I hurt. I felt empty, lonely, unloved, inadequate and sad. I can only remember as far back as about six years old, the year prior to my dad leaving and everyone else too.
I started cutting at age 11 by scraping deep cuts into my arm because my brother-in-law wouldn’t share their deli store cheesesteak with me and he criticized me and made me feel shame and hatred for myself so I cut to make the pain inside overshadowed by the pain outside just to get a break from it all.
After 27 years of treatment and a near fatal addiction to Xanax, I was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in June of 2012 shortly after my third suicide attempt in six months. I couldn’t take the suffering anymore and I truly believed I had to die to free my family from my burden.
With the help of my therapist and a lot of work by me, I am recovering by using the Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) workbooks daily and therapy sessions. I also do daily research to educate myself on this disorder and also find the blogs from other sufferers of this extremely challenging condition.
However, the DBT therapy provided the answers I have been searching for and the knowledge that there are many like “me” out there. I have a story to tell and it’s about the Road to Resilience and finally finding the answers and tools I absolutely needed in order to manage this condition that others and I battle on a daily basis. I have not been alone and I am not a weak link, a freak of nature, or a failure.
As for now, I’ve recently lost over 165 pounds to date and just retired with my devoted husband, John, in Englewood, Colorado, after his service to our country of 23 years active duty and 7 years civilian tenure in the United States Marine Corps, and for the Department of Defense.
I hope others discover these tools before they lose two parents, an aunt, a brother in law, three dogs, their home and vehicle in 18 months. I hope they find help before they beg for help on a yard sale website for their shopping addiction, to be offered nothing but prayer back. I hope they find the tools before two people tell them to “go ahead” and overdose. I hope they don’t lose hope.
I found hope in the midnight hour of my life and I’m speaking out so others might know they, too, are not alone. We can fight this and we are winning.
If recovery is to be… it is up to me!