I’ve been going back and forth about being open about my personal life. Only family and close friends know the dark part of me. It’s a taboo subject and I, like others, have the fear of being judged. I’ve come to the conclusion that its better for me to be open considering how it may help. I’d love to educate others and also show people they aren’t alone.
All my life I knew I felt different. Something just wasn’t right and I wasn’t sure whether this was normal or not. Despite having a rough childhood, I wasn’t able to cope. In elementary school I was diagnosed with trichotillomania. It’s a compulsive disorder that makes me feel the need to pull out my hair. It’s associated with anxiety. By the time I reached middle school I was a full blown mess. And others saw it.
I eventually got medication and was diagnosed with major depression. It wasn’t until I got older that it changed to bipolar. A year and a half ago I attempted suicide. The only difference between this attempt and others was I came close to succeeding. My brother found me and saved my life. I was in a couple programs with group therapy and it wasn’t until this time that I was ready to change.
No one wants to feel bad, but not everyone is willing to put the work to change. It took me a while to feel stable and learn to cope. Medication and therapy only do so much. After my failed attempt I felt so lost. I was never living with a future. In my mind if things got so bad, I knew I’d kill myself. I didn’t really find anything that helped me grieve. All my online searches just turned up with the effect on family members. What about me?
Eventually I progressed. And I’m where I am now. Stable. I always say stable because I’m never 100 percent happy. But when I’m sad, I know how to cope. And that’s the most important part. I’d like to one day be able to speak before others about my life. I’m not the disorder, I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a worker, a student, and I am you.