In a mind that races it’s hard to stop and gather my thoughts to even write this short story of my beautiful struggles but I know In my darkest moments I see the light and it always seems to shine through to give me hope that sharing my story will do for someone else what other’s sharing their story has done for me… and that is I am not alone even when I feel or think I am.
I always felt something was special about me. I viewed things different and seem to process information and react to the extremes from a young age. In my teens I had a need to be accepted yet rejected anyone who got too close to me and I became my own worst enemy. I dwelled and replayed events over and over until I drove myself into such a deep and dark place that depression would set in and I worth would plummet, I felt lost and confused.
As a young adult in my early 20’s every day felt like I was on a high, I had a ton of energy and was tackling every avenue open and even some closed. I was taking risks that would prove to be detrimental to my well being and putting myself in the line of fire only resulted in several hospitalizations and eventually becoming an addict and alcoholic.
I had been diagnosed with Bi-polar I and that is all I knew. It was a far reach from just depression which was my earlier diagnosis as a teen. Really what was Bi-polar? Unfortunately I wasn’t getting anywhere with it and so I ignored it. That was the wrong choice. It didn’t go away and it continued to be a reason to fuel the fire for my destructive path.
After a manic episode in 2008 I was hospitalized for the last time for an extensive period of time and my family and I finally had a starting point of digging me out of the whirl wind cycle I had been on for years. I was now 30 years old and had lost everything from my marriage, home, job and shared custody of my son, me having the lesser time and also had a criminal history from fleeing the police in a manic spree. I hit rock bottom.
It took years of trying different meds, therapies, treatment and relapse’s to be where I am today. And where am I? Well I still and always will have Bi-polar but today I’m more aware of the triggers and have more skills in my tool box then I can handle at times. I have accepted bi-polar as a part of the maker of someone beautiful and I have found my calling in life to help others by helping myself and giving of myself by volunteering in the Recovery and Mental Health community.
There is no happy ending but there is closure. I have learned so much through my struggles but most of all I have learned I am a survivor and I have not given up on myself or others. I’m a fighter and my strength has seen me through the dark times.
Not knowing what tomorrow will bring to me I only know what I have to offer. Through every moment something has been earned that I can share and my compassionate nature has opened many doors for me to be able and willing to give more of myself…
This story continues to be written…..