I have had anxiety issues since I was a child and was finally diagnosed and treated for Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of 20.
My symptoms manifest into an upset stomach causing me to vomit constantly. I was also diagnosed recently as Bipolar because I have hypomanic episodes and severe depressive episodes. For the last two years I have tried to kill myself every November because I seem to fall into a severe depressive state during that time. I used to think I was just tired of dealing with the anxiety all the time so I blamed everyone and everything else.
Through NAMI I found a therapist that is perfect for me and we have been working together for over a year. I have become self aware of my mood swings and I have learned coping strategies to keep calm along with a regiment of medicine.
When it comes to suicide I have discovered that it’s harder to die than to keep living. I tried to overdose on medication and just ended up really sick for a few days. I tried carbon monoxide poisoning and ended up hurting the people around me. Some days I still don’t want to get out of bed and I still have trouble controlling my anxiety and when I become manic I have trouble controlling my impulses but the more I try, the more progress I make.
When I used to hear how suicide was “selfish” I always thought “that’s impossible because if everyone really cared about me I wouldn’t feel this way.” For all my flaws and issues I have learned that my best friend literally needs me to keep her on track and my family needs me to keep them on track. It would be selfish to just give up and attempt suicide again because I know how much people rely on me for advice or just a shoulder to cry on.
I know I will have to fight my disorders all of my life but slowly I am learning to deal with them. I hope this helps someone because there were many times when I was suicidal and I needed to hear something similar. It won’t get better overnight or without effort but it CAN get better if you just try. I promise it’s worth it.