Hello, I have suffered from moderate to severe depression ever since I could remember starting as teenager and continuing throughout my whole life. Now that I am much older, it seems to be even worse and I feel really just brain dead now. It’s so hard to get help, because I can’t make myself clear - I don’t know what to say any longer or how to act.
Most my life I was addressed as weird, sick, mentally ill, insane, stupid, a liar, a storyteller and at best I was a scapegoat because of it. I guess it’s really my fault though, because I just can’t get well. It’s not like I have never tried, it’s just I think I can’t be helped any longer. I have had a lifetime of treatments, therapy, meds, hospitalizations, black outs and really dark long periods of absence and just not knowing what happened. See I am also a very weak personality as well and that is fatal with major depressive disorder (MDD) so I have found out in all bad ways. I have learned, but I can’t control how to practice what I’ve learned. I always have to stay hidden because I am just too afraid to go out anywhere.
I have a social security disability (SSD) case pending and I ended getting in a mess with an attorney that was not bar registered. Again, I should have known to check all this, but I didn’t because I just couldn’t and did not know how and I just thought I could trust him—that he was going to help me.
Well aside from all of that, a lot of things are so much in a fog now these days and I’m really not sure what to do other than just try to exist and not make problems for myself and others. I would so greatly love to find some real help, someone to speak to on a regular basis. Is there something or someone like this? I really need some help. I’m not looking pity or asking for a hand out, I just want some help, someone, thing, place, group that can really give me some answers. I hate to say, but it seems I get gamed a lot due to my problems. I am really trying, but due to my mental and physical illness, it’s getting harder and I am really afraid that I will not be able to make it.
I hate to say but the mental health I am getting right now is just and only check point type of service. They just check that I don’t want to kill myself in that I have not been recently admitted to the psychiatric ward, and that I just keep taking my meds. The appointments are quick with ok, ok, ok…well ok; we will up your med dosage and add another med. I don’t even know what I’m taking and for what else besides MDD. Other than stating MDD, they don’t really know what’s wrong with me and neither do I, so I guess I can understand how they feel having to see me as a patient. But I do notice now that they treat me like a crazy person and still with that same tone as “I don’t really know what’s going—which I don’t, but it’s hard to hear it like that.”
I would rather have them ask me if there’s some way they can help—they never really ask me, but I don’t know what to say anyway. So here I go in circles, sorry…. I just really need and want help. I’m sick, scared and I don’t want to end up homeless either. I have lost everything and have bounced down to the depth of the sewers this past three years. I know there’s worse, so I guess I just have to accept things as they happen. Now I don’t feel like accepting or dealing any longer, cause I just can’t.
I’m eligible for help, but still don’t get it, because the services make things very hard and keep denying me, then after very dark events they decide to approve me. I am pending SSD and have severe Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). I have doctor letters, notes, tests, you name it, but still I am getting black balled. I think it’s me, cause I just can’t say, remember or know. See I am totally eligible for a rent voucher, but social services are very rude and treat us indigents like caged rats. They just keep making up senseless crazy rules to keep denying so you won’t come back. It’s wrong, people pending SSD are allowed one voucher per year—their paperwork and guidelines state this clearly, yet they make up wrong things to deny. Then after they see and enjoy your suffering for about two months or so, they finally give the voucher, because they know bottom line they have too…but why do they have to do this—it’s just plain hateful and should not be allowed to continue.
So during all this denial time, it’s walking in the heat, sick, can’t breathe using a walker that’s broken too. The worry, the waiting and suffering afterwards. It’s very hard…this gets me very sick and I end up in urgent care. They make you wait and come back, get this and that and only decide when they finally want to give you what your already proven eligible for.
Thousands of us say they do this to get rid of us, cause we are useless now. What they don’t realize is who we really are and where we came from at one point. They just see the current broken mess and not the entire picture.
It’s really hard to have to accept being treated like this…as trash. I have to go back on September 23, to beg for a medical card, so I hope they will finally give me the voucher at that time too. I think I have already met their hate quota, I hope, I can’t live on the street with my COPD, I won’t last too long…whatever, but I don’t want to suffer alone dying in a dirty park or under a bridge.
I guess I should not be hasty…I just don’t want to die like this. I am trying to state that I am not being ungrateful; I just want what’s right. As I said I am not looking for pity or a hand out, I just want the right help that is available but not at such a cost because I unfortunately ended up sick after working very hard all my life. Now I am forced to rely on hands that want to throw me away, cause I can’t be what I used to be.
I am just being punished for being a human being. I really don’t have any rights either and no one cares. They see me just as this mental sick loser, but what they don’t know is that I was successful and independent in my past. I was actually somewhat a real person at one time.
Now, because I’m mentally and physically sick, I can’t work, don’t have anything, anybody and am worthless—they really like to kick you down more not knowing that I am still a human being and did count somewhat at one time. See I totally don’t count now, I can’t work is the biggest problem, I got a bum rap that is following me and I just can’t handle any of it right.
So it really seems they a lot of different types of agencies just would rather throw me away, me and thousands more just like me. Well, I have only been out of my blacked out dark hole for a short time, but this time I would really love some help. Is there such help that can help me to know what to do? And is there some type of help that can assist me so I don’t have to go through these wrongful denials? I need to know what more I have to do and if I am doing things correctly.
Well I better stop, I can’t hear or think about this now, I am sort of getting lost as to where I wanted to go with this letter. Anyway please if you can help me with even some information or suggestions, I would be grateful.
Thank you for your time,