Hey my name is dawn and I’m diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and a panic disorder. I’ve been battling with mental illness for over 10 years I first started noticing there was something different with me when I was 16.
I had a pretty rough childhood. I grew up with my mother who was a recovering alcoholic who quickly switched her addiction to gambling. I remember my mom leaving me home alone all the time when I was really young, only 4 years old, the first time that I can remember. I was also molested by my father for almost 10 years.
I’ve blocked a lot of it out it’s just easier for me to get through life that way. Last year I did trauma therapy for it. I don’t know if it helped though. I know that it’s made it a lot easier to talk about but I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from what was done to me as a child.
I’ve had a series of traumatic events happen to me over the course of my life. My mother dying at the age of 22 my father committed suicide when I was 23. I lost my children around this age too due to my addiction. about 6 months after my mother passed away is when I really started to spiral out of control I started cutting again along with excessive drinking. I was stuck in a world of chaos for months, even years.
I’ve been on civil commitment 2 times due to my suicide attempts I think I’ve tried a total of 7 times throughout my life been to several treatment centers since the age 18 I’m 27 now. The hardest part of this is all is that over the years is doing it alone.
I tend to push people away or purposely try and do something to make them hate me. I have this huge wall built up and all I know is that I want to be able to trust someone again without getting hurt in the process. I’m kind of bouncing around here and I’m sorry for that I’m just trying to tell it from what I can remember.
This year alone I’ve been to 7 different psych wards because I either was going to kill myself or attempted and failed. The biggest reason I’ve been so unstable this year is because I kept forgetting to take my medications then eventually just threw them away because I thought I was all better. In hind sight I was only getting worse with each hospital stay at one point this year I was taking 7 or 8 different medications to manage my mental health symptoms.
I just recently graduated from an IRTS facility in April and since then I’ve been doing ok I guess. I did have another hospital stay just recently for a week and honestly I hated that facility the most but it’s the one I got the most help from my doctor got me off most of my meds and started me on just two medications for everything along with psychotherapy.
I started to talk about my life a little bit more with each passing day it was helpful. It’s been a month since I engaged in self injurious behavior almost a year since I last drank through everything I managed to stay sober until two weeks ago I relapsed on alcohol binge drank for about 3days.I noticed my symptoms and suicidal ideation coming back and coming back quickly, I called for help right away once I started to have all those suicidal thoughts that were becoming intrusive for me. I’m starting to feel better anyways.