In the last couple of years I have gone to rehab and gotten sober, (almost 21 months of sobriety so far) grown my pet blogs beyond what I hoped for, and then let my mental health problems drag me down into a big dark pit of hopelessness.
Mental illness has the ability overtake all reasonable thought and if you’re in a vulnerable position, it will do just that. I’ve let mental illness hold me hostage for way too long now.
I want to find the sound of my own voice and stop letting the chatter in my head run the show. It’s not the hearing-other-people’s-voices kind of chatter, for me it’s all self defeating chatter.
Here’s an example of how this affects me in real life: a couple of days ago I decided to go change from pajamas into ‘real clothes’. Actually trying to take pride in my appearance for once. Then I caught myself saying out loud, “It doesn’t matter what shirt you pick, you’re a fat pig anyways.” I said those words, out loud, to myself without even thinking about it.
Hey bipolar voice… SHUT UP! I’ve listened to you long enough, now I’m going to start using my own voice again.
I want my life back. I want to stop hiding in the house. I want to find ways to express my emotions again. I want to look for the beauty in things. I want to feel like a positive force in the world again. I want to tell my brain that I am not a fat pig.
I am smart, I am funny, I am loving, but I am NOT bipolar type II disorder. It does not define me. Not if I don’t let it.
This may be a lot a bloviating, with no follow through. This might be another false start, but at least it is that…a start.
If you’re out there then I’m saying, “Hey, it’s me, Mimi and I’m still here!”
Now if you wouldn’t mind, cross your fingers and join me in hoping that I can start to dig myself out of this hole. Baby steps are fine, as long as I’m still moving forward.
Hugs & love,