I had been communicating with a voices and seeing spiritual entities for over a years. I thought it was because I had started going to church and it was real. I had been drinking pretty functionally for about four years but when my responsibilities at college and home dropped off, I hit the drink pretty hard. The fantasies became stronger and I started to believe I was participating in a spiritual battle of some sort between good and evil. I became so scared I actually stopped drinking.
I had been dry for three days when I woke up hearing what sounded like loudspeakers outside broadcasting the voice of my therapist saying, “Something went wrong.” The war in my head had culminated with good winning the night before and I was scared and didn’t know what that could mean. I turned on the TV to see the second plane hitting the World Trade Center, Live. It was 9/11/01. I thought it was evil’s revenge for losing and soon heard a dark voice over my shoulder saying, “Do you see what I had to do.” It was so real and close I felt chills run down my spine. This is when my spiritual fantasy became real for me and was my first admission to the hospital and diagnosis with schizophrenia.
Fast forward to twelve years later… I have meds that work. I have an impressive full-time job. I am active in AA. I work hard. I write music. I occasionally paint. My struggle took years. I was admitted to the hospital over eight times. I’ve been on many medications. I’ve been in therapy the whole time. It’s all a scary, but distant, blur. I’ve been lucky or somebody’s looking out for me, probably both. There have been many times I walked this world believing it was a dream, often it was a nightmare. I have experienced terror I would have never thought possible prior to that day. But this morning, I sit on my favorite computer, my cat sits next to me and I’m okay. I’m starting to love again and feel attractive and valued. I won’t be drinking today, I’ll be taking my meds and I already prayed as a piece of a Universal Cause I do not understand. I don’t need to understand or talk to God today. I just know She/He’s there and give as much of my will to Him/Her as I can each day.
If it wasn’t for some amazing chemists, researchers and the good people who have helped me in this world, I’d be long lost. I am forever indebted.