It is the weirdest feeling. The feeling of impending insanity.
It is a feeling you would never understand unless you have experienced it before.
It is both terrifying and comforting. Terrifying because you know all too well the ramifications it will bring, the days of agony, the feelings of helplessness and not getting out of bed.
And you fight it. You fight it with all you have. Until one day you wake up and the fights gone.
So you wait. You just wait. You wait and see what happens next. And that is where the comfort is.
It isn’t a feeling of typical comfort. This isn’t cozy blankets or puppy dog comfort.
It’s not mashed potatoes and roast with your family comfort either.
It is a familiarity of knowing what the next turn will be kind of comfort.
Because you have been there already. And, most importantly, you made it through to the light.
So you sit, and you wait.
You get up every morning and you wait.
You go to bed every night and you wait.
You go through the motions of your life, and you wait.
Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. And you are amazed. Nothing has happened. You are still sane.
You are still getting out of bed every day.
You are managing to get your kids up and off to school.
You are amazed.
But you are still scared. The monster is still there. He has simply been put to sleep by the miracle of modern medicine.
You know that it will turn on you.
Until enough time has passed.
You sit and begin to think, ‘maybe not this time’, ‘this time might be different’.
The truth is though, is what else could happen? This is the norm, this is how it’s been your entire life.
The abyss and the anxiety.
The fear and the waiting.
The nonstop sleeping. Lying in your bed with no will power to even brush your teeth.
Knowing that anyone who found out about your secret would think your either lying or be scared to be around you.
You know the signs. You have read about it. The first revelation is when you notice you aren’t getting up as easily as you were.
The first couple of days you think to yourself, ‘I must have just been tired’, or ‘wow, I really slept in’.
And it might be because you’ve been through it before, because it’s not been long enough for all the memories and fear to have been pushed down into the abyss.
It hasn’t all been turned over to a new diagnoses.
You think to yourself, ‘it’s too soon’, ‘please God, not again.’
The truth is though, you knew it was coming.
Because sanity only lasts so long.