People have always said that anxiety is part of life, they would be correct. Being anxious is being human. However, for me, it is my life. On top of it, my obsessive compulsive disorder just continues to feed the fire of anxiety. I feel that the worst will always happen; the images, the thoughts, the feelings, the disgust, the wanting of peace, all in continuous battle. If only I could have peacefully flowing thoughts of the best scenarios…
However my reality is not peaceful. It’s full of fire, rape, murder, betrayal, jealousy, sickness, death, and loss of loved ones, loss of my life, accidents, and many other negative possibilities. Although those around me seem to think of me as a good person, a hard worker, a “laid back” and smart person, I can never agree. Inside my head these horrible possibilities continuously flow, uncontrollably, without hesitation, and a vivid as possible. I hear the crunch of the metal in a car accident, I see my loved ones crying, getting hurt, dead. And the only thing I can do is to keep pushing through life hoping and praying that I’m doing the right things so none of these intrusive thoughts could materialize into reality.
College has been my only form of positive release. I seem to think that as long as I’m in school, filling my head with questions to answer, equations to solve, assignments and essays to write, the thoughts will take a back burner or disappear; seems to be the only thing that is working for me.
Of course, medication isn’t an option for me. I’m allergic to Celexa, and I’m anxious about what will happen if I try another medication. I try to do activities at home, I love to cook, I love to watch movies and just sit in silence. However, it’s never really silent. The thoughts of the day always come back: what if I had said this instead, what if I hadn’t drove down that street, or left a few minutes earlier or later, why didn’t I prepare better. The thoughts go on and on and on until I’m just so exhausted that I just want to do nothing but sleep. Who cares what task needed to be done? I just want to sleep it away. But then the dreams come, some are pleasant, most are full of fear and “oh-no’s” or “what-do-I-dos” and I wake up even questioning what I could have done better in my dreams.
The never ending cycle.
I don’t repeatedly touch door knobs, or count things. But the continuous thoughts of despair and death lead me to just close myself off from the world and dive head first into my studies, or CLEAN everything I can. Even if it wasn’t dirty. There have been times I’ve cleaned until 3 am just because I couldn’t sit still long enough to fall asleep. Those days have passed but now…now it’s all school. Nothing but books and assignments. At least I have my associate’s degree in Behavioral Science. I’m not even proud of it because I know I only did it to stay sane. I do know that my Father would be proud, he’s no longer here sadly (he died in 2012 of brain cancer), but I do feel that he would be proud. It doesn’t help but I like to think it does.
My boyfriend who lives with me reminds me constantly of the good times I’m doing and even the things I need to work on. It helps because the anxiety of doing something wrong makes me want to fix everything NOW. I try.
My daughter, who’s almost 4 years old, is an amazing child. She lightens my life. Keeping her around…that’s a whole other issue. The custody battle between my ex and I have driven me to even further despair. What if I lose my child? What then?
I don’t even want to ponder it but of course the thoughts are endless, and unforgiving. Just like all the rest. I would never wish this upon someone.
My anxiety has pushed me into major accomplishments only out of the fear of failure. I am grateful, however.
Positivity to me means that I just try to do “normal” things. To just pray and trust that the right things will happen even though my mind is telling me it won’t.