First of all, today I have been 5 months clean, sober and on medication… First time in my life as an adult that I have had this long. I am 28 years old; I have been to 3 rehabs for drugs and 5 state hospitals. I’ve tried suicide 2 times and have had homicidal and suicidal thoughts 3 times. I always got scared when life got too good, I thought I was going to fail when life got too much for me, I would be great at whatever it was I was doing for work or life at the time when I tried to stay sober and on medication but then I would stop taking my medication and start using drugs just because I was afraid to fail but didn’t realize that it was ME that was making myself fail.
Today as I write this, I feel great, life is great and I take each day one minute at a time. I guess you could say I have put myself through so much pain just because I never wanted to stay on medication and I self-medicated with drugs and sex. But to realize that the doctors, parents, friends and family actually knew what they were talking about. But it was I that had to find out, which I wish didn’t take so long, for me to accept my life on life terms but I am so glad that I have accepted life, because now I feel like there is hope.
I still don’t have a job but I don’t have that stress in my life right now and I am sure when it comes time when that time comes I will get a job and I will be the best at it; even if I’m not I am okay with that and that is the first time in my life that I am Okay with being Okay.