hi. it’s my story. not gonna hear the best things about me. but it’s okay i am not ashamed any of it. never mind. i’m suffering from major depressive disorder (MDD), passive-aggressive personality disorder, dysthymia, anxiety, and self-harm.i just wanna go back to september 25, 2012 and change a thing. yeah that day, i cut myself for the first time. i didn’t think that it’d stick to me but it did. now i’m trying for recovery. i really do. i try to stay strong. but i have to admit it, it’s pretty hard. My last cut was on May 11, 2013. But my last kinda harm was on September 15, 2013. Did it by a sharp bracelet not by a blade that was all.
so, what made me cut myself?
I had a nice childhood. Just, family kinda put pressure on me so much. For instance, my dad always wanted me to do things ”go and ask waitress for a napkin, you are not a kid anymore.” he said when we were in a restaurant. He did lots of things like that. It triggered my anixety in time. When I was 13, hard times started for me. I was thinking about suicide. Because I felt like a failure. My parents always compared me to everyone. Especially to my twin sister. I was insulted everyday. And lessons made me feel like I was a failure too. So many times I wanted to jump and considered about ending all these things. But I couldn’t do that and then I hated my self because I was a pussy, I wasn’t even able to do that. I was a really failure I thought myself.
Then next year, I was feeling better at some point. I told my mom about my suicide thing. But she just laughed about it and didn’t take it seriously. It kinda hurt but I pretended it was okay anyway.
In my freshent year in high school, i had trouble with school again. My family was so mad at me about having low marks and people in my school, in my town started rumuors about me. My twin sister blamed me ”Everyone hates you and because of it they hate me too even if they don’t know me!” she said. What could have I said? I kept my mouth close again. I was bullied at school. Popular girls in school were bullying me but I just ignored them.
Then begining of my Junior year, I was bullied. And cyberbullied for sure. Many times. people around me, they were all like programmed to fuck my life and break my heart. They didn’t know that I lost my sense of humour, cause I was so insecure. They called me by lots of names and insulted me. I was so insecure about how I look. Then, people told lies about me. I had a deep insecurity, sadness and feeling never being enough in me. Then I made that thing on September 25. Which is I wish I never did.
First times when I told it to my friends they didn’t seem like they care about it at all. Except Clemetine. My best friend. Then I did it again over and over again. That was the time they see my cuts but kept quite. People made jokes about my cuts & insecurities. Besides, all those school bullshit made me feel like I’m dumb. I was trying but it was like… I was not good enough for any teacher or my parents. It’s weird but they made me feel dumb too. I mean my parents (mom does that most cause only she and my sis knows my mental illnesses) yelled at me and called me as bad names. Mom thinks that my illnesses are overrated by me. And she most times don’t like my friends and critize them a lot which is I really hate. Anyways.
I felt like there was nothing that I could to do for being enough. My crush weren’t gonna love me anyway. And he never did. He always had better girls. Then I lost many friends for sure. Didn’t mean that but I couldn’t keep them in my life. Everthing, every single thing made me feel NOT enough. Also, all boys came into my life, made me feel insecure at some point. They called me ugly, slut, bitch, hoe, shorty, idiot, dumb, useless, selfish, attention-seeker, boy-addicted and more. I’ve been called lots of names. I’ve been cyberbullied a lot of times too by those names. In fact, it’s just so sad that even my friends made jokes about my cuts and they break my heart. I hate that being called selfish and careless but it didn’t change anything. They still called me like this.
On March 2013, my best friend arranged me a therapist appointment. I didn’t wanna get better in those days so I didn’t want to go but I did anyway. When I told her about those things, she told me we will wage therapy with a psychiatrist. Because I was cutting myself. Then I went to see him too. He was a nice guy. He gave me antidepressants and we kept therapy together. Me, my therapist and my psychiatrist. After two appointments, they gave me some forms to fill and stuff and then I was diagnosised with major depressive disorder (MDD- depression for short), passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD), dysthymia, anxiety disorder.
My loneliness was really killing me. I really wanted get in a realitionship which I can be happy. I had only two realitionships. One of it the boy broke up with me for another pretty, beautiful, sexy and charming girl when I was sophmore. He treated me like our realitionship was nothing. The other one called me boy-addicted and slut after our break-up. It was in my freshment year. Other boys, my old crushes didn’t like me back. One of them learnt my scars, story and stuff. He promised but he left too. When I needed him most. Cuz I opened up myself to him and he seemed like he cared but obviously he didn’t. That I was the last time that I kicked by life I guess. Probably on April-May, 2013. It made me hit the bottom. So I really didn’t think anyone could love me REALLY. It was just hard for me. Boys just didn’t like me back idk. it was like everyone around me made me feel i’m worthless and not enough tbh. I was different from them. They hated the singers and bands that I loved. They didn’t watch the series that I watched. In a short way I got a different live from them.
I wish I could just feel enough or better. I didn’t know how was this feeling can be so strong but it was. And i tried i really did but it was like nothing was changing. everything was same. I really wish I could just feel enough. I just wanted someone to come, hug me love me and show it. Care me maybe more than myself. I was sick of waiting something good and i almost hated letting new people in my life with big hopes. Cuz in the end they got sick of me and left which sucks. Whatever. I wished I could feel better, beautiful, strong or enough. For once.
Then in July 2013, I was feeling low because no matter how I try I always ended up sad and it was like sadness my home and I rarely go to vacations which is happiness. My therapist was so hopeless. She was like ”I can’t help you, pills aren’t working, it’s like i am useless for you.” she started to questioning herself which really made me sad because she was a great therapist if you ask me. So after that day or meeting, I decided to recovery. Literally. I disabled my facebook, twitter, askfm, connected2me, whatsapp and stuff. Then I unfollowed depressed blogs (it actually really helps you). And I only let my besties know it so I really removed all toxic people from my life.
Bu before that. I felt strong and fine and felt like I can recover once. After watched ”Demi Lovato:Stay Strong” I felt good. For an hour. It was pretty cool. Simple Plan, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens,Bring Me The Horizon, All Time Low, Robert Downey Jr. and Demi Lovato saved my life at some point. If there wouldn’t have been some celebs I really wouldn’t be here too. It’s really unbeliveable that the people that they don’t even know I exist, saved me. It’s amazing.I love them so much. If they weren’t there probably, honestly I’d not be alive right now.
Then in August 2013, an old friend of mine (which was one of my besties) tried to break me down. He tried to mess with me though, our friendship wasn’t so strong and I was just trying to get rid of him too as I did with othe toxic people. He tweeted mean stuff about me, he talked about me. Declared I was a ”razor-addict”. Then I was sure that everyone in my town knows what I was going through. I could’ve let it destroy me too. It was so easy… I had been recovering just for two months. I could’ve given in. It’d be easy. But I didn’t. I became more confident. Because I felt like what I was going through wasn’t something to be ashamed. I knew if I committed suicide, they’d all be like ”wow such a shame we used to love her so much she was such a beauty wish she come back” but when they find out that you have mental issues, self harm problems, you are suicidal they just dissmiss it, laugh about it. I realized that and took a stand. I wasn’t ashamed. I didn’t care if the whole world know what I am fighting against. Then I accepted these stuff, and he just had to got back. He went to his old pathetic life and I got stronger.
I lost my best(well…old) friend this year. 2014 started with that. Forget about the reason I’d talk about it till morning/night but I wont. It’s not worth it. Old me would be so pathetic and probably gave up on everything… Because you know… after that boy, after that ex best male friend of yours’ betrayal, you lost your best friend… It would make perfect sense but I didn’t even cry about it. I moved on. Because I didn’t do anything wrong. And if they were dumb enough to let me go it’s not my problem. I learned to value myself. Then I realized I wan’t that broken girl that I used to be.
Me and my twin have a dream. And I’m sure that we won’t stop till we make it come true.
Cause my dream is the only thing makes me alive.
I usually need someone to talk. Someone to understand. I am still struggling with my friends/problems. But I still have great people in my life.
I decided to recovery on January 10, 2013.
But my first appointment with my therapist was on March 21, 2013.
My real recovery started on July 9, 2013.
If you wanna talk to me I’m here too. I really do. I joined lots of networks and stuff about these things. (if you wanna take a look go to my networks page). People say that I’m a good listener, some of them say ”you’re like a therapist” or sometimes they say ”Thank you”. Or they call me ”Hope”. And most people say that I inspire them. Which makes me really proud and happy. Whatever you say, if you think you wanna talk I am here for you. Maybe I could do something for you. And never forget that asking for help isn’t desperate. we all need some help sometimes.
I hope I won’t give up til I’m okay. Because I’ve learned that no one can say anything to make something better. We just have to make things better ourselves. and I don’t deserve to be walked over, I don’t deserve to be controlled by people, and I shouldn’t give a shit what people think of me. because at the end of the day it’s my world that I’m living in, not theirs. I deserve to live in my world how I want to.
Thanks for reading.