I guess you can say I just woke up from living in a world of my creation. I had a brief psychotic episode a few weeks back and was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Anyone who has met me would never believe the things I have been through in life as I always kept everything in. I am always the fun person everyone wants to hang out with at the bars very social and outgoing. I am a huge flirt :). Well I exploded after 32 years and it took 2 weeks to find my way back to reality but I am here and want to share my story.
I am torn between love and anger right now as the man in my life of 3 years that I was fighting to get back to in my mind basically moved out while I was in API (a recovery center/mental illness) and tried to pass me off to my brother. I am glad I woke up when I did as if my brother took that route I would have been upset. My brother was in the Navy and about to graduate college.He hopes to join the peace corps and you can imagine the good he could do and if he took the route to take care of me that would have been the wrong choice. In life you need to make selfish choices as simple things will hold you back and you will feel the change in yourself. Just think of it as being in the wrong dimension.
Let me tell you a small bit about the life my sister, my brother, and I grew up in … our Mom probably has the same issues as I did but she never sought treatment and lived her life with us kids saying the FBI is chasing after her and as a child that was some of the most embarassing years for us. I think of her know and still want to reach out to her but I am now recovering and need to take care of myself before I reach out to others.
That wasn’t the worst part … the worst part was when I was scared I tried to reach out to my ex boyfriends family which was the wrong choice as one side left me outside in the cold (I am in Alaska and it was cold outside) and another put a restraining order that led me to a night in jail.
I understand they were scared and we were never really close but when we all stood at the cross roads (corner of their street) I asked if I could be a part of their family as I was scared and had no idea of what was going on in my mind.
I knew that was what led them to the restraining order as they were trying to protect their family. I read the restraining order and there were a couple things I don’t remember doing but I will chalk that up to memory loss. I ripped it up thinking it was fake as the date was wrong. It was dated 4/1 you know April Fools. There was 3 incidents but putting 4/1 implies that I was bothering them constantly.
I understand but that doesn’t let the anger go away as right now I am thinking with a clear mind and that is what I am trying to deal with as I was living and seeing things differently from reality.
If anyone ever feels alone know that we are strong and can survive alone. I have created a blog of my experience and have already started to share with them as they had no idea of the pain I kept hidden.
"We may try to take as many people on our journey but along the way some will be called away"
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