I have always been thin. I used to weigh between 105-110 pounds, which wasn’t unusual for me. However, in 2007, my health & happiness with my weight changed. I felt like I had to be perfect, all because of a now (thankfully) previous coworker. At first, I just had those thoughts that I was fat. However, by late 2007, I got worse. My then boss knew I was struggling. One day I told her I needed help. She told me she was working on it. December 11, 2007, was the day of my first session seeing a psychologist at a Psychiatric Clinic & Hospital in my hometown. I was diagnosed (which I already knew I had) with anorexia. In January 2008, I also began seeing a dietitian & psychiatrist at the same clinic. The month before therapy, I weighed 107. A few weeks into treatment, I dropped to 103. I wanted to get down to 100 pounds. I exercised compulsively, kept track of how many calories I ate, bought foods that were low in calories, skipped meals, & kept track of how many calories I burned when exercising.
Emotionally, I got irritated easily & wanted to cry for no reason. Physically, I got dizzy at times, & felt weak, tired, & cold. Obviously, people noticed. I never saw how skinny I was, & never believed people when they made comments. Plus, I didn’t care that I had others worried. It was “all about me.” I wanted to go inpatient & have a nasogastric tube. Twice, I even had dreams about going into the hospital.
I was trying to keep my anorexia a secret from my parents. At that time, I was living in an apartment, alone, about 15 minutes from my parents house. I saw them frequently. Of course, they noticed I was losing weight. When they found out, my mom cried. After they found out, they came with me to my next session with my psychologist. A few months later, my parents had me break my apartment lease & move back in with them. I had mixed feelings. By then, it was the summer of 2008.
My now former dietitian put me on a meal plan, of course. However, I didn’t trust her right away because I felt like she was trying to make me fat. I didn’t want to follow the meal plan she put me on. Once I slowly started gaining weight, I had mixed emotions. I felt better physically, but was trying to catch up emotionally. It took a while to feel better emotionally. I can’t lie & say I had times I wanted to get well. I knew, though, that I couldn’t put anyone who knew I was sick through the pain again. I felt like it might have taken even longer to recover had I not had the support & my faith in God. It took a while, but I’m now at a healthy weight, & of course, I’m much happier. I was even in a magazine in 2010! I have also spoken twice & hope to again.
For people who have the symptoms/signs of an eating disorder, get help before it’s too late! I had times I wanted to get well, & times I didn’t want to. I never thought six years ago that I’d come this far. I’m never going back! It’s not worth it.