I am depressed, diagnosed as major depression and have contemplated suicide almost every day since I was 14 years old (now 63) silently doing what I have to do with the help of medications and a great psychiatrist that I trust. I am told I have probably been depressed since birth…I did cry a lot (still do) and my mother was too busy with the other 4 young children to hold me, hug me, read to me, play with me or give me the extra affection I needed (still need it). As a suicidal teen, living with an absent parent and a perfectionist mother that criticized everything and never gave encouragement/praise or signs of love to her children, and a sister that made sure I knew just how inferior I was every day…I thought of ways to kill my horrible self and would have done it if I could have managed to find the sure-thing, never fail, perfect way and time to do it—I was so afraid of failing to do it ‘right’ and if I messed up and lived then I would have an even more miserable life. so I was stuck…didn’t do it till I was 23, took a bunch of pills, told a social worker I would be dead that day for sure, and was in a mental hospital for 3 months…promised myself I would try to make it to 30 so my next suicide was right before I turned 31 when I knew I still hated being alive with this constant misery inside, peeking out at the world that I was managing to minimally function in with noone knowing just how close to death inside I really was. Called a shrink friend of my sister that had met me once as I realized my suicide was taking too long(forgot to take sleeping pills and the stuff I took didn’t sedate me…but I could feel my heart getting really slow). He took me to a hospital, another 3 months in psych and heavy therapy pulled me out of my self destruction. Good things have happened since—thanks to that wonderful caring tough-love kind of psychiatrist and modern meds— and i have married a loving good person, had a successful career as a healthcare giver, have wonderful animal pets that give unconditional love every day. Thank goodness I have never tried to cushion my pain with drugs or alcohol. I do pretty much stay ro myself, no friends other than my husband, since noone really understands the depth of my inner struggle with self loathing, I smile and do what I am supposed to do in public, I do try to find things that bring me a little joy such as a flower or holding my dog. As a very sensitive person, I avoid other troubled people since it overwhelms me to realize their sadness on top of my own. How do I get thru another day? First, never think others can remove the sadness and inner pain…I am the only one that can minimize it, with the help of the right meds, a psych that I trust and doing little things that distract me from the inner stress in a positive way. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my struggle, alone with my efforts to feel the sunshine, fresh air and beauty of the world. Thank you for letting me write this.