I was born into a family who was already mentally ill. Grandmother and oldest uncle had paranoid schizophrenia, other uncle had Bipolar type 1 with severe alcoholism and meth abuse. I had to endure sexual, physical and emotional abuse as a toddler because of my family and not getting the help I needed. I was raised in the ghetto and use to be chased home from school for no reason. Love was non existent, even those 3 words weren’t there. The first time I ever got any affection, even a hug, was when I was 15 and hysterically cried when it happened. I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression my entire life and tried committing suicide time and time again until I found some stability.
I was homeless a couple times as a child and even more as an adult. Before the adult issues, I isolated myself in a small dark room for almost 10 years of my younger life. I was afraid of people and the outside. A severe internet addiction didn’t help either. I left my parents house and ended up in one of the psych hospitals where my social worker found me a program to get me off the streets at the very least. At that point things got worse for me somehow. I started abusing marijuana like it was a hard drug, abusing other prescription drugs just to make it go away.
One day I had to realize, if I keep failing at dying, I might as well try to live. Turns out I had ADHD and various other disorders that were misdiagnosed for years. No medication worked, just made me sick. I never gave up searching for answers and solutions to just be okay. I didn’t want fame and glory, I didn’t want a perfect life, I wanted to be okay.
Now in one week it will be one year since I’ve been into a mental hospital for cutting myself up or swallowing medication in an attempt to die. I don’t think about that anymore. I never thought I would ever be where I am now, even if it’s not where I want to be in the future, this is better than what I’ve had to endure. I have hope now as long as I follow my heart and never give up on MYSELF things can and will get better from here.