HELLO, I WOULD LIKE TO START BY SAYING. THE ROAD TO RECOVERY CAN BE HARD TO TRAVEL BUT WITH ENOUGH POSITIVE INFLUENCES ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I HAVE BEEN UNDER THE CARE OF THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION FOR NOW GOING ON ON 15 YEARS. AND OF COURSE I DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME, IT WAS THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT HAD THE PROBLEMS.
We learn to take what we need from its atmosphere; we run to it when feeling emotionally or physically threatened; we show gratitude to this starting point that enables us to grow. What is this place? Home. We all have different versions of it. But what happens if you can’t run home? What happens when one corner that represents safety in your home is taken away? Chances are, your voice gets stretched thin, making you silent.
Or maybe that was just me.
What a relief to finally tell my story. It is absolute torture when people whom I care about doubt that there is anything wrong with me; and who, in essence, say, “just get over it!”
I was my moms second child; her first pregnancy miscarried. When I was still in my crib, my brother was born. He was quite ill and in and out of the hospital for operations to his damaged heart. I knew he was ill but i could not yet leave my crib, could not go to comfort him. This inability haunted me my entire life. My brother died after 6 months of life. Another miscarriage and then my mom got pregnant and carried to full term. I remember her calling the doctor to say she felt the baby inside her thrashing around and she was concerned. The doctor told her it was nothing and to just show up next week for her caesarian birth process. The baby was born dead, strangled by his umbilical cord. During the time that these births and deaths were happening, I was forgotten; locked in my room, or sent home with our housekeeper.
My twin sister disappeared in 1982. I was severely abused by both my parents. I was also a gymnast and dancer from age 4 to 14 years old. I am now 37. I am diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Autism Spectrum Disorder, Bipolar, and an eating disorder. I am thankful to a specialized program in my state where I live. The program only has 6 clients and is a program I will be in for the rest of my life. Before entering this program I was in the hospital more than I was out of it. I have currently been out of the hospital for 3 months. I have no family support. I was lucky the 6 years I was in foster care, I was not abused in any placement, but was bounced around a lot. I have lived in many group homes and apartment programs. I live in the Intensive Residential Treatment (IRT) apartments. I have my own apartment with 24hour/ 7day a week in home staffing. This program is not time limited. I have been told I will be in this program for the rest of my life. If I can make it through what I have then there is hope for everyone else.
Here you will find a write up I did about the issue of ‘Triggers’, in relation to Complex PTSD, PTSD, Anxiety and the aftermath of abuse. Many times society often feels only accepting to those issues of triggers which our war heroes and veterans are forced to cope through. However, it is the youngest of warriors, our children, who face a battle within what should be the safety of their homes, the love of their parents, which sadly turns into the greatest battle of their life. It is a repetitive battle they live through and endure every single day, possibly even permitting other adults to ravage abuse or use them in deviate behaviors. Yet, when they grow with the aftermath of dysfunction and are set off by a series of attacking triggers from society’s victim blaming and condemning behaviors; this is when we want to lock them in a su them from our children and communication in a successful manner in jobs or supporting any part of their healing. Hopefully those who visit the N.A.M.I. site will share what they learn here and remember, we can teach them a better way in life when we stop ignoring the dark path which past generations have taught us to endure and forced us to carry the ugly family secrets of these deviate abuses. We do not have to accept this any longer, we are a new generation in charge today and we know the risk of suicide from an abandoned abused child. I hope you will find this worthy to share with your readers.
Patricia ‘Trish’ McKnight
Join NAMI today!
When you become a member of NAMI, you become part of America's largest grassroots organization dedicated to improving the lives of persons living with serious mental illness. And now you can join online