I have sat for a long time and tried to think of what to say. It’s so painful, as I write this I cry. My daughter was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder around the age of 15. She is now going to be 21 this year.
Without going into too much detail, when she was very young, her father and I divorced. Her father use her as a pawn in our divorce. I only say this so that you can understand some of the trauma she has endured. She had always been very impulsive as a child. But it wasn’t until her early teen years that we could tell something was very wrong. While at her dads house one day they went to visit her step mom’s family. It would not be until five years later that she finally told me she had been sexually abused at that family gathering by the adopted son of the pastor of their church. I fully believe that the trauma she endured as a child has contributed to her borderline personality disorder diagnosis.
Now that she is an adult I am her legal guardian. Her father does not have contact with her anymore. Which only adds to her low self esteem. She tries to kill herself often when she is going through the rough times. She can be very agressive. To the point where she has punched out glass reenforced windows, torn water fountains off the wall, and permantly hurt people. When she finally calms down, she is very upset with herself. Sometimes, during her worst times she won’t even talk to me because she is so embarrased by her relapses. So i write her letters, and tell her I still love her, and that I’m not going anywhere. I wish i knew how to break this cycle.
When she turned 18 I had to have her committed. That was one of the hardest days of my life. She is very impulsive, sad, angry, lonely, home sick. like most people with mental illness she has a cycle that she goes through. Her worst time is from October to March every year. She lives in an institution and every time she gets stable enough to be released, it is in the spring. If she is lucky enough to find a placement that will accept her, come fall, her disorder wins again, and she is rehospitalized. I visited her often, though the hospital is 2 and a half hours away. I call every other day and talk to her. I encourage her everyday and tell her she can beat this. I will never give up on her! I love her for who she is.
The hardest thing for me to take, is when she looks at me and asks ” why am I the only one in our family who has a mental illness? I just want to come home.” that breaks my heart because I can’t fix it. I tell her it’s kind of like me having asthma.I don’t know why I have it, but I have to take medicine and treat it. I have always been by her side and I always will be. Please pray for better treatment, and awareness of this horrible disorder. Like I said, I have left a lot of details out, but at least her story is out here now.