This is a recent blog post I wrote. My husband Tony took his own life on December 21, 2012, and I have been writing about my experiences. Here is what I wrote:
For a very long time, I have felt that I didn’t – or rather, couldn’t – own my own feelings. I spent my time and energy trying to cover them up. I hid them from Tony because if he sensed even the slightest bit of frustration or anger at the situation, it immediately became anger at him, personal and unkind and “Why do you have to be my enemy?” That’s how he saw it. He didn’t like it if I raised my voice, but he didn’t hear me any other way. Truth be told, he didn’t hear me even when I yelled. All he heard was that now I had involved other people in our personal problems, and that, of course, was the big taboo. Nobody could know what was going on.
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