I do not know what is compelling me to write this now. I feel so alone and misunderstood sometimes so maybe writing is a viable way to explain myself. It’s almost hard to put into words the internal pain of depression. The past few weeks have felt like hell on Earth. I label myself as agnostic but I have prayed that I would fall asleep and not wake up. Everyone wants to die peacefully I think and this is my desire as well. I have even envisioned that I would develop some incurable or terminal disease as well. That’s how bad I want an escape from all of this.
I was very germophobic in my early childhood but it passed. I was always very dressy. The thought of sweats bothers me. Then this summer right before high school I started feeling locked like I was basically choosing between life and death. If I moved my bones where always tense, if I had a thought I would walk backward to where I was before I had had it, then in school I had to erase an rewrote everything. I knew it was fake but I couldn’t help. I just started medicine which helps, but, I get tired. If I would have heard of OCD before I would have thought someone was crazy or a clean crazy person, but, now I know it’s truly unexplained because it is hard get help. If you feel like your gonna break, get help, you won’t feel like a time bomb anymore.
Plain and simple, I have bipolar disorder and anxiety and I’m here to say, I’M STABLE! THERE IS HOPE! I owe my stability to God first, then my family, my hard work and determination to get and stay stable and of course my physiologist and psychiatrist! THERE IS LIFE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS! DO NOT GIVE UP!
Hello, I’m Hannah, I have suffered with depression on and off through out my life. I am not depressed at the moment but I feel like I am always having to fight it, so I don’t fall into that black whole again. I suffer with anxiety too and I don’t know why. No one understands what a struggle it can be just to do simple things and it’s hard to talk about because people will just think I am silly and won’t understand. I have also suffered with terrible panic attacks in the past. I just thought it would be nice to chat with people that are in the same position as me and find out if there are anyways in which I can help myself.
In May of 2010 I was diagnosed as bi-polar axis 2. I had suffered for years with severe depression but this was my 1st attempt to commit suicide. I have little to no support. My two children are afraid of me for no reason. I have never hurt them in any way. My two sisters also lack empathy. I’ve been told, “I just need to snap out of it” by one sister and that I need to get a grip. I very rarely see them. My younger daughter (29 years old) says I’m not the mother she had growing up. My other daughter (32 years old) says we’ve always had an “odd” relationship. I am compliant with my medicines, do home therapy with books and work sheets as well as seeing my therapist regularly. I finally got put on a new medicine that seems to be working but it’s been a long haul. This disorder has striped me of my life. I would love to see improved public education. All these mass killings are attributed to the killers mental illness. What families fail to see is that these killers weren’t taking medicines as prescribed and had signs that should have been acted on. People with diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. don’t get treated like a leper. Maybe better education would help.
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