It’s sad how few people understand clinical depression….the not snap-out -of it- variety. Especially in today’s New Age world, where if you are not meditating, or practicing yoga and saying Namaste to everyone, wishing them peace and eternal happiness, you are an outcast.
In my life I have lost many friends because of the way I am. Those that stayed were very special, for they understood depression and what havoc it wreaks on the soul of a person, desperate for a little bit of happiness. I have been blamed for being a “downer”; someone who was not cheery like the others, with little pleasure or ways to achieve it. As if it were my fault, my doing, my bad.
It is enormously painful to be rejected for what is not really fixable by now in my life. I have had more psychiatrists, treatments, medications, and therapists than most people have birthdays in a lifetime. None of them could really help….maybe on a daily basis of little things, but never with the bigger picture.
There is little tolerance in the world for the mentally ill. The invisible sickness of depression, are the hardest to deal with. I want to scream when yet another well meaning person says “cheer up”, or quotes some eastern philosopher to make me feel like I am not trying hard enough or memorizing wonderful quotes of the great spiritualists. I am trying as hard as I can. Just as those with more tangible illnesses fight their maladies, if not more. Its still a form of body and mind chemistry. It is not something anyone wishes to be.
I want to scream in rage, at those who don’t get it…no matter how often I explain it…..and when some disappear from my life. The hurt and anguish of it is only adding fuel to the fire I burn with.. It is simply a disease. It is very difficult to feel happiness..to feel joy. Yes, I have, but not often enough to please those around me. Not nearly often enough to be able to count on having some joy in the course of a day, or a week or a year.