If I wasn’t working, I was sleeping. And monitoring my mental temperature. It was a huge risk to work so much, given my new talent for the extreme. I wanted to see myself function, survive and thrive.
Daily living provides me fantastic insight into my mind. There will be long blasts of zeal—streams of enthusiasm that will allow me to stimulate my surroundings with a mandate that sings an everalsting joie de vivre. And suddenly, I am sapped of energy. My wings are clipped. I am subdued—brooding. The hours pass slowly, collecting uneasy thoughts like an internal wound collects pooled blood. I wait in repose until my phoenix roars triumphant again.
And to be honest, it’s always been like this—moments of excitement, followed by moments of recluse. Teachers, peers and family would ask, “What’s wrong?”. I know now not to not blame the external world but explain that my world is an everlasting rollercoaster ride, shored by the seat-belts of good sleep and medicine.
My improved understanding and success at work gave me the verve to return to Macaulay to finish what I started. My only regret was that I waited so long for someone else to give me the social cart-blanche that only I could give myself. Through these tests, never once did I cry out of pain. Never once did I shout out of anger. Though I did shout out boredom—but that’s always been my calling card.
I return now in September, knowing to give myself freely to rumination. For so many wasted years, I focused on appeasement, the social kowtow and capitulation to an internal uneasiness about the awkwardness of social interaction.
This social surrender is sadistic. I am not awkward. I am aware that others may be. I disagree? It shall be known. I don’t find it funny? It shall be known. The conversation sucks? That too, shall be known.
My lesson is that there is equal power in silence as there is in sound.
My personal re-tooling has given me the peace of the moving sea. I realize each day that my wishes in suffering have begun to flow into life after ebbing away last year—I plan to celebrate the overwhelming joy in my new apartment. I am once again surrounded with people who welcome and respect me. I have a great deal of work that I care about. Most importantly, I once again see a future.
That’s all I ever wanted