It all started when I was really young, with a knack for organizing my tea set and Easy Bake oven dishware.  It was soon recognized that I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, commonly known as OCD.  The condition resulted from a traumatic event of abuse, and rapidly progressed into experiencing night terrors and slight insomnia.  These are symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I have managed to overcome.  However,  I eventually developed more habits, such as having to turn off all electronics, counting ceiling and floor tiles and red cars.  I kept a “count book” as I used to call it, which was a diary of the objects I would keep count of and the total amount next to it.

 I started developing a number of fears, some examples are: I thought my house would burn down if my microwave was plugged in and grew very afraid that my mother would get into tragic car accidents everyday.  I used to call her everyday in grade school and have to leave school.  There are compulsive habits I still do, such as smacking my hand after I yawn or having to hum a tune while I touch multiple objects of the same group (four chairs, ten tables, boxes).

I also have obsessive thoughts about the number three and how much I dislike it.  It is a burden that I was born on the thirtieth day of the third month of the calendar year, and that I am the third child born of my siblings.  I also have terrible, violent thoughts that plague my mind and I have to find a way to get rid of it, such as washing my hands four times over.  I also have a penchant for over analyzing numbers and organization that has impacted my anxiety.

I suffer from panic attacks as well as anxiety attacks. The two are a bit different, although both are overwhelming.  As a result of all of my fears and anxiety, I also suffer from depression and constantly overcome and succumb to deep sadness for short or long periods of time.  I have sought behavioral therapy for a number of years but was forced to discontinue due to my mother’s strong opposition to behavioral medicine.  In turn, I had suicidal thoughts for a while because I felt that I would never make progress.

 At age fifteen, I started to abuse alcohol and it took one near-death experience to help me overcome excessive drinking.  At age 18, I ended up in the hospital for being nearly four times over the alcohol limit- the limit before death is four- and had to be tranquilized in order to have my stomach pumped.  I was near cardiac arrest and was unaware that I was dying due to blacking out because of an overwhelming adrenaline rush.  I was not meant to wake up the next day, but the doctors made it happen and I was able to start college two days after.

Since 2009, I have relied on positive thinking blogs and self help books, especially art and music therapy. Although I have a troubled mind, I have managed to stay active, eat well and continuously succeed and excel in my education.   At age twenty three, I am currently a full-time undergraduate and have a steady, well-paying job.

I hope to inspire people of all ages to overcome suicidal thoughts or self-esteem issues, as I have done.  I am still a work in progress, but I know my willpower is strong, no matter how often I want to give up.  Through emotional support groups and forums, I will be able to remain positive and help others feel the same way.  I plan to stay involved with NAMI events and be an example to the public that mental illnesses will not stop success.

Thank you for reading my story.