Many people suffer through depression every day. It is a very common mental illness. I like to compare it to a swamp of sticky asphalt.  Once you are in, you may never get out unless you are very strong. 

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Hello, all.

I am enduring some painful changes lately. One of my children has autism, and he started having so many behaviors til he ended up in Supportive Living. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am not going to deny the fact that I couldn’t control my emotions after a while. My mental health kicked in so strong til I lost my cool if he became physical with me or his dad after a while. He would kick at us, bite his lower arm, or bang his head into the door frames, or swing at us. I so desperately wanted him to be a normal young man that I tried to knock normalcy into him! I feel like I let him down by drinking a small bottle of alcohol while in the early stages of pregnancy. I feel like I let him down by keeping an alcoholic dad in his life. I feel like a bitch nobody! I feel like my son is better off without my butt living under the same roof with him. 

I was told that I am somewhat bipolar, which wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my 30s. For years, I noticed mood swings, which I contributed at first to the dismal life as a child that I endured from my trouble making mother! I would become enraged to the point of physical altercations or I was thinking about it. I feel like a failure and I feel that I should have never been born. My birth is the cause of my children’s dilemmas. Yes, they may love me, but, I know that I am not good for them. 

The older child has endured agoraphobia, which came from all the BSthat she was around as a child. She didn’t admit it until she became a teen close to adulthood. She was almost at a point where she could NEVER leave the house! It took lots of unconditional love and prayers! To sum all of this up, I messed my children up!

My name is Cindie Apruzzese and I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder and Autism. It’s been rough through the years getting to where I am today. I’ve come a long way from what I used to be like. I am currently on medication and I go to psychotherapy once a week. Therapy and the meds have helped me to be able to function. I enjoy the NAMI outings, walks, and Network parties. I go to a center here in Waterbury, CT. They have helped me greatly. They helped me to learn how to type, computers, etc. 

I was diagnosed with OCD and depression a couple years back.  One of my most severe compulsions is dermatophagia, a constant urge to tear the skin off of my fingers, face, back, and scalp.  It got so bad that I have permanent discoloration and nerve damage in my finger tips as well as a scarred back and face.  I resorted to unhealthy coping methods such as substance abuse, self-harm, and refusing to eat; I felt like a was trapped inside my own skin.  I decided to write “Dermatophagia” to help sooth those who understand the pain I feel everyday.  The song is intended to not only relieve some of the stress and anxiety of those suffering from the condition, but also to spread awareness of OCD compulsions and the ways they interrupt daily life.  I hope you’ll give the song a listen and I hope it give you the relief you need to heal.

Stay Alive

My name is Meredith and I live just outside of Chicago with my husband, daughter who is a child with autism, and a senior dog. I have struggled with anxiety and/or depression since I was about 16 years old. It is also around that time that I was sexually assaulted i.e. date rape. The past few years were especially hard. I was in a really dark place for a long while but hiding it well. On the morning of Thursday, January 5th, 2017, I was going to end my life. I couldn’t take the depression and anxiety anymore. I sat on the couch, going over the plan in my head when I heard a loud “SNAP!” My startle response got me off of the couch when I realized it was a mousetrap catching an uninvited guest in our pantry (we live near a cornfield so we get mice during late fall and through the winter). Looking at the tiny creature’s twisted expression, bugged-out eyes, and now-mangled neck made me stop dead in my tracks. Something told me I should go upstairs and wait in the bedroom for my husband to get out of the shower. So I did. 

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Trapped in psychosis for years it felt like my life was over.  I had been in therapy for several years and we had tried medicine after medicine but the voices kept staying in my life.  They were controlling me and I did not have control over my life or anything that was happening in my life anymore.

Being diagnosed with autism at the age of 22 was light at the end of a tunnel as I thought I had found out what I needed to know in order to go on with my life and live my life.  But, as my psychotic symptoms worsened over the years doctors began to suspect there was more to my story than just autism.

By 2013 my life was In shambles.  I had self-destructed every single aspect of my life.  Failed college attempt after failed college attempt had racked up thousands of dollars in student loan debt which I had no way of paying back.

I began to lose who I was.  There were days that I woke up and couldn’t remember who I was so I became the mental illness because it was so prevalent in my life that I believed it was who I was.

I began to question everything about my life.  Was this real?  Was that real?  There became a time where I did not know whether or not something that happened in my life was real or just some crazy hallucination or delusion.

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This the continuation from my first submission , it got sent on an accident and it wasn’t completed.  So what I was saying is when I read Harvest time on NAMI’s not alone page when she talked about the Good Seeds & Bad Seeds , I understood what she meant plant good seeds and receive a good Harvest, and throw a way the Bad Seeds an don’t pass them on to anyone.  I realize that that is the truest statement that I read , I realized that that is what I’ve been doing all my life, with my children , husband, with everyone and allowing others to throw there Bad seeds on me.  So With that being said, I’m going to do my very best to cope and plant good seeds and throw away the bad.  I going to go to this DUI school  an get my license back , continue my therapy ,continue my Meds and most of  all plant good seeds an take care of myself.  and know truly,  believe that there is no HOPLESS SITUATION. 

I just wanted to say that I have been on medication now for about a week maybe and a half and I’m already starting to feel better about my anxiety I have general anxiety disorder or it’s called GAD. I am a father of two beautiful young children they’re both girls one is three and one is almost 8, happily married for almost 10 years and I’m 31 years old now I have been suffering from anxiety for the last six months and here lately it has become clear to me that I needed to get some kind of help and if it wasn’t for me having to panic attacks and ending up in the emergency room , I would’ve never known what was wrong with me I would love to think modern science and all the wonderful people that have ever written a post about their disorders are the challenges they’re having in life, if you are experiencing depression or anxiety or both please look at your support group for help I had to ask for someone to take me to the doctor because I couldn’t except the fact that I had any kind of problem. I guess denial is probably the biggest part and the hardest roll to defeat and once persona/ego and you have to let your ego go and you have to trust in the help that you will receive it will tremendously benefit you in the long run and I want to thank my medication and the people that invented it forgiving people like me hope and helping with any type of problem that anxiety could possibly bring on. Since I have been on my medication I’ve only had maybe one instance of a near attack and I did my breathing exercises which are great to follow on YouTube and it went away. I can definitely put myself in so many people shoes try to stay stress-free I know it sounds easy but there are plenty of exercise is out there for people to research and to find the one that fits in suits them best, signing off with best wishes to everyone trying to deal with their own issues really appreciate everyone’s ears and thank you so much for reading this.

My name is Erin Miller. Currently, I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Depression, and PTSD. I come from an emotionally abusive and mentally unstable family. The system neglected me and my brothers while we were growing up, leading to many disastrous consequences. It is my hope to change this system for the better through empowerment, education, letters to congress, advocacy, and ending the stigma. 

I earned my my Bachelor’s degree from Dowling College back in 2016 with honors. My degree is in Visual Arts and Graphic Design. Currently, I am seeking to earn a Masters in Creative Writing. I am writing stories on my fiction blog, I have books published, and have interned in art galleries. 

It was never about how dirty the house was or how many newspapers you had saved overtime or the amount of magnets you had on both fridges. It was the draining effect of what your mental illness would bring. What mom was I going to see today? Will she be nice and funny? Will she be mean and hurtful? Will she be sad and kept to herself? Everyday was different. Each had a little twist to them. From bipolar to manic to depression the things that are forbidden to be talked about. Yet they take so much away from people. I never hated you I just hated your illness. I hated that you became mean in a blink of an eye or you get sad within seconds and I did love when you were funny because we could crack jokes but all it took was for one little thing and you’d switch. I never wanted this for you. All I wanted was my mom. Your illness took over and it was so hard to love you. When you knew how to take the wound you opened and twist and dig it deeper. I know one day ill look back and be thankful for all the lessons learned and maybe help others one day, but for now I just want to help you.