NAMI Ushered Me Into Recovery.
Looking back at my life, I don’t believe I have ever been hopeful. At least not as hopeful as I am now. I have always suffered from depression and been made to feel like an outcast. I would come home from school and cry either because I was teased or just ignored. My parents did not understand although my mother was often too depressed to clean the house and rarely worked.
I married the first person who showed me any attention. Although he was controlling and often verbally abusive, I consciously thought, at 20 years old, that I may never have another chance to be a wife and mother. I believe my Hypomania set in around 26 and I was feeling like I was done crying. I left my verbally and emotionally abusive husband and set out alone with two small children not yet 2 and 4 years old. I felt invincible and fell right into a relationship with another man. He treated me well but was not the commitment kind of person. I didn’t care and played Russian roulette with my birth control and now I had three. And I was a single mother.
Then there was another marriage which was also not a smart choice. Around the time of my marriage I came to the conclusion that I had a problem. There was a series of hospitalizations, weight gain, car accidents, eventually divorce and the last straw was when an injury at work made me feel entitled to special treatment so I walked out on the job ruining any hope of working in that field again. Never once during this did I feel there could ever be a light at the end of this miserable tunnel. Through all of the medications and therapy and hospitalizations I had never hear the word recovery related to mental illness. I had resigned myself to thinking this is all there is. This is my life.
After receiving my disability, I decided I would follow my parents to Florida. Of course I thought there will be new people to meet and the change of scenery would make everything perfect. Without going into too many details, being without medications and proper counseling do to lack of medical insurance, landed me in jail. I sent my miserable teenage daughter to live with her aunt because I had "ruined her life’’ by moving her down here. My older daughter and I were fairly happy for a while until she decided to move back up north with her boyfriend. This left me in a financial jam and was forced to move in with my parents at 43. As appreciative as I was they drove me "crazy" I knew I had to meet people. I had attended domestic violence support groups in the past and it was helpful but that was no longer a concern for me. I discovered a NAMI support group and wondered why had I never heard of NAMI before. That didn’t matter. Finally I met people like me. Everyone with there own diagnoses yet they all understood what I was going through.
After a few months of attending meetings and making new friends finally there it was the word I had longed to hear but knew it was possible. RECOVERY Suddenly I began to see my illness differently. I realized I needed to stop mourning a life that I could never get back and decide What can I do? A light began to grow brighter at the end of that seemingly endless tunnel. I began to reinvent myself. I now have goals. I have worked on getting physically healthy as well as emotionally healthy. I am working toward a certification as a Peer Recovery Specialist and am even hoping to work as much I feel I am comfortable with. I now facilitate the support group and chair the support group committee at the local NAMI board meetings.
I know I still have limitations and I always will. Now I can better cope with my symptoms and recognize my triggers and irrational thoughts. I know if I need to go to the hospital or is this something therapy or med change can help. I changed my perception about my illness through accepting it instead of fighting it. I have gotten to know my illness almost like a spouse when you first move in together you need to learn all of those little idiosyncrasies that make it bearable to live together. I have learned RECOVERY is possible with mental illness and so is HOPE.
On September 9rd 2003, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I . (Bipolar II is mostly depression with some manic episodes. Bipolar I is full blown mania with little depression.