More Labels than Soup!
My Story—Liz W
I was born to a gypsy, bra burning, free love-hippie and an alcoholic philanderer. My mother loved life. She had Bipolar Disorder II and died a devout Christian and Minister. She was my joy, my co-signer, my best friend…she loved unconditionally. She taught me everything the right side of a brain can muster up: crocheting, cross stitch, latch hook, machine sewing, cooking, cleaning, mechanics, art, animals, child rearing, swimming, how to put on makeup, how to climb a tree, how to camp…how to navigate hard times with a smile and to love people no matter what they did to you. To say she shaped me is an understatement. Dad left when I was 4 and she raised us (me and 1 brother and a half-sister) alone.
I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder I during college (1994-99). I was also diagnosed PTSD (a kinder, less stigmatized diagnosis suitable for my ability to address my coping mechanisms and bad thinking in therapy) in 1996. I would not be diagnosed as a substance abuser for several years, but I smoked marijuana daily, something my brother taught me was a good escape from impossible situations. I recreationally used powder cocaine as well, from 13 to 45 years old. There was little I wouldn’t try over the years; “if one drug makes me forget for 4 hours, a better one might do it for 6-10 hours.” It was as uncomplicated as that. If I smiled and pretended all was well, the world would never know how horrible I was; the demons who came to me in my dreams would fade from thought, the molestations, dad trying to kill us, and in 2012—my granddaughter’s molestation. After Lily got molested I lost composure, went off my meds, accepted some crack from my weed dealer and—within weeks, was embezzling money. It went on for a year.
My defining moment of clarity was 5 am on a weekday. I was on the way back from copping some crack in downtown Durham to our countryside apartment. I found Calvin—my SO—walking down the street looking for me. He thought I was having an affair. He said the reality was much worse. I went to detox and started SA-IOP classes in Durham shortly after. I couldn’t continue to hurt Calvin, it was against everything I believed about the way you treat people who love you. The embezzlement was breaking my moral compass and I was off my meds, hallucinating, getting robbed repeatedly, raped and almost arrested numerous times. The time was now.
However, I would quit the crack and stay on the weed (the thoughts of having no tools to combat the disease was egregious to me [before learning the tools of recovery—which have served me well]). I would fail 3 drug tests and be arrested for violation of pretrial and jailed for 65 days, most of which I attended the STARR Program at the Durham County Jail, an inpatient drug treatment inside the jail. I would never be the same.
The STARR program got me out of the cell a significant portion of the day (less sleep=less depression for me), I started back on my meds, me and Calvin’s love for each other was tested and passed and I really never wanted to do drugs again—for the first time since I was 12 years old. That recovery led me to an SAIOP in Raleigh, which was changed to Fellowship Health Care under the drug court program (which I requested– to keep me clean at least another year– till my brain started healing).
Even in DTC I had slips. I ended up doing a total of 4 days in jail (separately) for violations/sanctions in the time since December, 2014. I also caught 4 driving while revoked tickets. My moral compass still spun crazily. But all the time I was in DTC I had people cheering for me, audibly at times, subtly more often. I was carried by the wave of support and began to see my intellect and morals return.
One Door Closes
“And I hope one more opens,”
Croons Lee Ann Womack.
I sit on my porch in the darkness
On an old chair out back.
I breathe and let my feelings
And thoughts begin to wander.
Freedom to dream now
Freedom I ponder.
More than just a second chance,
It’s a dozen if it’s one,
I let go of the stress and pat my back
For all the hard work I have done.
I won’t forget the hands
That picked me up so often.
The gestures, words, and hugs that healed
A heart that needed softened.
TO THE STAFF OF FHR AND DTC: Thank you 1000 times over. May others bless you in the ways you have blessed me.
TO THE PARTICIPANTS OF DTC: There will be times when you want to give up—-DON’T!!!!!!!! Ask for help no matter how hard it is, scream for it if you have to.
