Marianne’s Story
June 25, 2013 is a day that I will never forget, because that’s the day I attempted to take my own life. But before I get into that I would like to talk about the months leading up to that day. A couple months before, I noticed that I never really wanted to be around my friends as much. Whenever they asked me to hang out I would make up excuses on why I couldn’t hang out. Something like my mom didn’t allow me or I had other obligations to attend to. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and be alone the whole day. At first I thought that this was just a phase. That I would just get over it and then I would be back to my old self again. But as weeks passed and eventually a month I stopped hanging out with my friends completely and I also started to self harm again.
I never really understood why I felt the way I did. I had a great family and great friends, but part of me seemed to just shut down completely. I never really thought of suicide till that day. It never really crossed my mind to take my own life. I remember that day all to well, and sometimes I wish that I could just forget it. I was home alone that day. My mom was at work and my brother was in Florida with one of his friends. I remember that I was watching the movie Cyberbully. And as I was laying down in bed all alone I could just feel so much pain and depression draped over my shoulders. I paused the movie, got up and grabbed a bottle of ibuprofen.
I remember that before I took those pills I called one of my friends crying and telling them I’m sorry. Next thing I know, I’m on the floor, and my friends dad is on the phone with 911. I can still hear everything that he is saying into the phone. He tells my friend to go wait outside for the ambulance. I can then hear them come into my room and help me down into the truck. The whole ride to the hospital so many things were running through my head. Part of me couldn’t really understand what was happening in the moment.
I remember seeing my mom next to my hospital bed asking me why i did it. I could hear the pain in her voice and I could see the tears she tried so hard to hold back. And as I sat there and watched my mom cry I started to regret everything that I had just done. I wish that I could take it back so badly. We spent about 10 hours in that hospital before they finally told me that I had to be admitted into Dominion Hospital because I had attempted suicide. As soon as I heard that my heart broke. I couldn’t ever ride in the car with my mom there. I had to ride in the ambulance.
As I sat in the back of the truck I could see out of the back window and all I could see was my mom following behind, and her wiping each tear from her face. We pull up to the hospital and by now it’s probably 11 pm. The registration part was so heartbreaking for me. I remember crying and begging my mom to take me home and promising her that I would never do this again. But it was too late. As we rode the elevator up to the teen section of dominion all I could do was cling onto my mom. All I could think about was how much I wish I could’ve taken everything back.
That was two years ago and today I’m so happy to say that I have recovered. I no longer self harm and I no longer have thoughts of suicide. As I look back at what I went through it has made me a stronger person and has shaped me into who I am today. There were times where I completely lost hope, I thought that my life was just destined to be awful. I asked God why he did this to me. And I didn’t understand what I did to deserve this. But now I realize that God never gives us things that we cannot handle. I know now that even though that experience was hard for not only me but also my family, it made us all stronger as a people and as a family. I’ve learned that life can get hard at times and that not everyday is always going to be sunny. I’m going to have my rainy days and sometimes a storm can roll through, but at the end of that storm, everything will be okay. I want to be able to share my story with people everywhere, because I want everyone to know that you are never alone, and that everything will be okay.
Today I am now a senior in high school, excited to graduate and happy to be alive.