Recovery and Triumph

This week marks a new chapter in my life. I started college this week and what started as a nerve wracking fear that college would mirror my high school experience, it ended up going so much better than expected. For the first time in my life I’m going to remember a date because it’s good rather than remember a date because it’s bad. I know a lot of people know what it’s like to be so in love that it hurts, but I don’t think there are very many people out there who can truly grasp what it’s like to love someone so deeply who not only doesn’t love you back, but constantly hurts you, is aware of it, and tries to do it. To be so in love that you’re scared. Scared to breathe. Scared to move. In fear that you’ll do something wrong to anger this person. To love someone who pushes you away long enough to crush you but then throws them self back into your life before you’re gone forever. To love someone so much that you can’t find the strength to walk away from someone who is nothing else but abusive. To convince yourself, day in and day out, that they must love you because they keep coming back. For the depth of your love for this person to be so strong that you don’t care what the hell they do to you as long as they’re in your life. To genuinely believe that it is impossible, not figuratively but literally, impossible for you to exist without this person.

When my parents divorced I was devastated. For about a week. And then I couldn’t find it in me to feel anything at all. I had become numb. I lost all emotion. I just did what I had to do: go to school, eat, sleep, and that’s all I did. Until I met him. When I met him, I was immediately overwhelmed with emotions. He made me feel, something. Anything. Everything. He made me happy, he made me sad, he made me angry. I didn’t care what he made me feel because he made me feel again. I loved him and he loved me.

I don’t know what the hell happened, but somewhere between all the happiness he brought me, he figured out that no matter what he did, I was never going to leave, and that’s when the person I was in love with became my abuser. He physically hurt me, but it “wasn’t abuse” because he was “kidding around”, or he “wasn’t even using his strentgh.” He mentally beat me until I was nothing. Privately and in public. Constantly pounding into my head how ugly, and stupid, and useless I was. So much so, that I believed that I was worthless. “Whore.” “Slut.” Words I can’t even type. I wasn’t allowed to go places if guys were there. Scratch that. I wasn’t allowed to go out with my friends.. Girl.. Friends. At all. Meanwhile, he had been with dozens of other girls. And that’s not an exaggeration. When I found out, I was “crazy,” or “jealous,” or “maybe I was the one cheating.” He made me feel like I was wrong. When he finally told the truth, it was my fault because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. I led him to do it. My heart and world had shattered.

No one knows what it’s like to be in such a low place that they truly believe they’d be better off dead than to keep living the life they live, that nothing could ever get better for them, to stare pain killers and sleeping pills in the face and contemplate downing the whole bottle, to pray that they get into an accident every time they get in the car, that they’ll be miserable with that person, but just as miserable without them, unless of course, they’ve been there themselves. Every time he left, I thanked God he was gone, but every time he came back I begged him not to leave again. My senior year of high school, which was supposed to be amazing, was a miserable experience for me. I was so ill that I was out of school for three months. I missed out on things I can never go back and change. I missed senior events, my senior prom, and what should have been good times with good friends. I have wasted so many nights laying on the bathroom floor, crying until I physically couldn’t cry anymore, or fighting to breathe when my anxiety took over, feeling like I had no control over my body, or physically becoming sick from the amount of pain I was in.

I didn’t have anxiety and depression. They had me. They controlled me. They controlled my every step, my every move, my every breath. I was at a stand still because I knew that if I budged I was going to break into a million pieces. I could feel the pain I was enduring in my bones.

Before him, I was so strong and then he left me so weak and frail. I always felt I had to front as that tough girl who doesn’t care because if I didn’t, I would break down.

I feel every ounce of emotion so incredibly and so deeply. I feel with every fiber of my being. With every single inch of my body. It’s too bad that most of those emotions were negative.

I was living a life of two steps forward, and one step back. Every morning I had to drag my miserable ass out of bed and get through the day in hopes that something wouldn’t make my terrible day worse. Every day was a challenge. Every day was a fight. However, every day, slowly, that fight got easier. Every day, I am better. Now, every day, I can wake up and look forward to something, no matter how small. That is something I could never do before. I don’t have it all figured out, but that’s okay because would you bother reading a book if you already knew the ending?

Coming from someone who has lived in the deepest depths of hell, I promise that as long as you’re willing to fight, you will eventually win, you will come out on top. And things do get better. “A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul.”

I will never apologize for being the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve because one day, someone very special, is going to appreciate the charismatic person that I am and all of the heartache I’ve carried for years is going to have been for a reason. “Some days life is gonna rough you up a bit, but it will leave you stronger, more appreciative, more compassionate, and wiser. Beautiful people do not just happen - life is all about experience.”

I’m going to love him forever. And he’s always going to have a piece of my heart. But what’s left, that part is for me. And someday, for someone who deserves it. “The trick, kiddo, is to find someone who complements you instead of completes you. You need to be complete on your own.”

I will always continue to to feel my emotions with every piece of my soul. When I’m happy, man am I happy. And there will still be days that are tough. But I’m going to stand tall (well as tall as a 5'1” girl can stand) and I will never give up my fight.

I couldn’t tell you one date from a time something made me happy. I could tell you every date, exactly, of every time something bad happened in my life. And now, here I am, for the first time in my life, remembering a date because it brought me joy instead of heartache. I can finally say that the smile on my face is genuine and that I am happy. There are so many amazing things to look forward to: college, career, family, life. I am so thankful that the past couple of years didn’t turn me into a bitter and heartless person.

Life lessons aren’t ones you can learn standing still. I have conquered my greatest demons. They can kiss my ass. And finally, my life is beginning.

This is my story and I’ve finally found the courage to share it.

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Change is Possible

I am a survivor of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, self harm, and suicide. Although I am a survivor my fight is not over. Far too often people think that a mental illness can be cured and that is far from the truth. Back in October of 2010 I felt as if my life had fallen apart and I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for the first time. I never really knew that these types of hospitals existed or that the things I was struggling with were common among people my age. I was 16 at the time and I truly felt so alone. From October 2010- May 2013 I was admitted into 6 different psychiatric hospitals. I was admitted so many times that I cannot even give you a number. When I was struggling through those years in my life I honestly did not see myself having a future. I stopped planning my future and I did not care about the long term effects that my choices had on my life because I did not foresee myself living through it all.

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Thank You

I was diagnosed with a mental illness at the age of 19. I am now 62. Not only have I suffered from mental illness I have struggled with the stigma of having mental illness for 43 years now. I was diagnosed with acute depression, PTSD and bi-polar disorder and I became very much overwhelmed - alone, lost and hopeless. I was seriously contemplating suicide. Someone suggested that I investigate the services available at my local chapter of NAMI.

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Whether I eventually succeed or not is still in question and a lot depends on me, but the fact is that today I have a real chance to make a contribution to society instead of being a drain on it. Without NAMI I would be just another mental patient wandering without direction and chances are that I would continue to be in and out of inpatient psychiatric facilities - the perpetual 'revolving door’. Thanks to you and your support of NAMI and the great people there I now have a chance to live a healthier, happier, more productive life. More of a blessing than a burden. Thank you.

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From a Dark Hole to My Redemption and Light

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Mental Health: Don’t beware…BE AWARE AND CARE!!!

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My Journey to Recovery

My father was a drug addict, paranoid schizophrenic, dealer and hoarder.

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I found that the best therapy came from writing my story, first in the form of poetry then in a book. Even if you only write for your self, please do it. It will help!

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This is a montage from a collection of work that we created for NAMI Utah’s (National Alliance on Mental Illness), Hope for Tomorrow Program. We collaborated and worked closely with them to create short films, that will be played in schools around the state focusing on mood disorders, substance abuse, eating disorders, and suicide prevention.

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To know more about NAMI Utah and the Hope for Tomorrow program, please visit www.namiut.org.

Directed by: Amber Watkins-Olpin
Filmed by: Chris Olpin
Edited by: Chris Olpin and Amber Watkins-Olpin

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