Not Alone - Mental Illness Affects Families, Too
My husband has had Type II bipolar disorder for over 10 years.Our whole family lives it. I tell you this not to heap guilt on those who suffer with it, but to tell you that you are not alone.
- If you have this illness, it is shared by your families who want to share and lighten your load in any way they can.
- If you have a family member struggling with this illness. you are not alone, but you may feel like it.
My now adult children and I have developed an unwritten user manual for daily judging and reacting to moods - things like who can be in the room, where should they sit, when noise is OK, how much noise are we making, are we intrusive, are we ignoring, etc etc
- We have collectively survived a suicide attempt but know it could happen again at any time.
- We know there are triggers and we try not to be them.
- I have had to take all the financial responsibility and struggle to hang on to our house. Our retirement savings are gone. My husband’s life insurance is gone.My savings to pay for a funeral, god forbid, and to fall back on if I lose my job are gone. My line of credit for house repairs has been cut off, as my husband is going bankrupt.
- My husband usually takes his meds, thankfully, but they are not enough. The cost of his cigarettes, other addiction and inability or unwillingness (even the psychiatrist can’t tell me the difference) to work are ruining us.
- We cannot invite friends to our home. When you cannot reciprocate invitations, you stop receiving them.
- I have considered divorce (I still love him & cannot afford it), tough love, marriage counselling, and anything I can do to help. Sometimes I have to say “You need to shower. Use soap” or “Your room smells bad. Change your sheets”, never thought I would have to do that.
There are a lot of resources on the internet for people with mental disorders. There are almost none for the families who would do anything to get their loved one to do more than take prescription drugs. He admits he knows all the things he should do, but refuses to do them, refuses counselling or therapy of any kind and will not talk about how I can help. I’ve tried everything and had to accept that I cannot help someone who refuses help.
I feel incredibly alone sometimes. I have lost the man i married and I don’t know how to get him back. The only thing we still do together is sit in the same room. He cuts the grass, usually. But I know there are lots of people like me. I really hope it gets better and when it does, I’ll worry about how long it will last.
To those of you with a mental illness: You are not alone but the change has to start with you. Deep down, you know who loves you. Reach out, communicate, talk, hug, and let them help. I beg you.
This may be too long to use, but writing it has helped and is probably less destructive than saying it out loud all at once.