Poem 13

POSITIVE THINGS HAPPENED IN THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

Patient Says  to Me, What shall We Talk About?”

    I Say “Music, Our Favourite Musicians.”

    Giving Me Subject To Other Patients,

    Helping Us Uplifted, Thinking Of The Music, In Our Time.

    We are Playing Bingo, very Normal Popular Game,

    Very Good for Us, Our Poor Concentration Levels.

    Game exiting, I have above average Numeracy skills.

    Staff Presenting Game, engagingly, no pressure surely.        

    Nurse Says To Me, “At Least You Are Safe in Here.

    “Thank You, always Felt I Am.”

    Thank You Everybody Who is Helping Me In Hospital,

    Medals I would like to Put On You.

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The reason I want to share my story is because I want to bring awareness to mental health and stop the stigmas. I want to promote positive outlooks for moms with mental illness. Not everyone is going to be the same just because they have the same diagnosis. And a diagnosis does not define someone.

I have been affected by mental health personally since my teenage years. I recently have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. When I read about BPD I thought it sounded pretty accurate and it was nice to feel like I new one of the answers as to why I was struggling. The parts of BPD that hit home the most with me were the criteria of the diagnosis stating that those with BPD have a hard time regulating emotions and also that they can struggle with finding purpose.

As a mom it makes me sad to realize I worry so much about purpose or think so much about what my purpose is, what my meaning is. Why can’t I feel like being a mom is enough meaning? Why isn’t being a good wife is enough purpose? The ruminating obsession with questioning what I should be doing and why constantly flows through my head.

During my recent hospitalization followed by an outpatient program I was dealing with multiple areas of mental illness. I’m also diagnosed with generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder. I was 6 months postpartum, a stay at home mom with my baby and her sister, my other daughter, who is 2. At the time I started to experience postpartum depression as well.

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I just want to talk to people about my mental health struggles throughout my life and how I’ve overcome each and everyone of these hurdles and how I could be inspiration to others. Through the power of open and honest communication and never giving up on oneself I’ll be honored to talk about my struggles but also my hope that I can give people that are struggling today day with things that they cannot control in the midst of the coronavirus

Sometimes the trauma we experience is not definable in terms of scientific research or assessments. Sometimes depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues are never actually diagnosed but somehow those of us who experience these issues deal with them on a daily basis and find inspiration and hope in our communities and inside ourselves.  

I, like many others, have experienced multiple traumas in my life including rape, abandonment, intimate partner violence, a diagnosis of a “terminal” disease, homelessness, and drug addiction.  Yet, somehow, I have made it through these experiences and found help along the way.  Not from the system of care (as many of us know, the system of care is not really designed to “care”), I found help in the support and love from others who have also experienced similar things.  It is their courage and compassion that gave me the strength to keep moving forward.  It is their determination and insight that helped me work through the pain and fear.  

I am forever grateful for those who guided me along the way.  Your support will never be forgotten.  Your support helped me to not only find a new way to live but to follow my passion and help others.  Even though I have been dragged through the mud, I know my worth and value has not changed.  Today, I am working on a PhD. and hope that the work I do, the community bridges from research and academia to the real world I build, can help inspire others.  May you find love and peace in your hearts

Hi my name is Gabrielle, I am 29 years old. I live in Staten Island, NY. I don’t want to say suffer, so I am going to say battle, BPD and auditory processing disorder. I am my best advocate. I always tell people I am going to write a book, because the process my life has been has not been a smooth one. So I want to help people learn from me and see the positive side of things, I want to help people feel unique and understood. Growing up, my mom was a teacher and my dad was a therapist, so I feel I should of been surrounded by support. That was not the case, they both tell me, when it’s your own child, you view things differently. I struggled with different things my whole life, journey aside, I tell my parents, if you would have gotten me the help I needed, lots of things could have been prevented. My parents also raised me to be a private person, I never really told any one how I felt or what was going on. When I was a junior in high school, I went to my guidance counselor and kind of just split it all out. She thought I was nervous about graduation and everything would pass. When I mentioned suicidal ideation, she told me she needed to contact my parents. My world felt like it crashed. My dad came up to the school and we had a meeting with the principal and my guidance counselor. They said they believed me that I was not a danger to myself, so they were not going to call an ambulance, they did make my dad promise he would take me to a therapist. That is when my journey of having to advocate for myself really began. I’m not sure of the reasoning, but my parents never took me to see a therapist. I guess being a therapist yourself, you think you can change your child on your own. I spoke up and they started taking me to therapist, that was a roller coaster alone. I either didn’t feel comfortable, something happen, or the therapist said they were not able to help me. Once I built a some what rapport with someone, I kind of lied a little, I told my parents the therapist wanted me to start medication and told the therapist the opposite. This is when my parents kind of got on board. They told me, they did not want me to take the meds, because it would change the way I looked and my personality. Yes that scared me. So I told them I no longer wanted to be on medication. I then switched therapy places and met with both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I explained to the therapist that I was not going to go to med route. She had me bring my parents in, she made a statement that nothing is permanent and if I notice the side effects are worse then my symptoms, I can always reverse them by coming off of them. My parents told me I was old enough to make the decision on my own. That is when I started medication. I am now at a point, that my dr has told me, I have been on every medication, he doesn’t know what to do. Being 18 and told I was bipolar just didn’t click for me. I switched drs, I kept switching and switching. No one knew me better then I knew myself. I always swore my parents were my triggers, they are the only people I have ever lived with. When I went away to college, I noticed my symptoms didn’t disappear, like the thought I had in my head. I went to the mental health office and went to schedule a appointment. During the intake, he told me, I did not suffer from a mental health issue, I just never received attention as a kid. Once again, I was not happy with that answer. Therapist after therapist, and lots of therapy breaks in between, I never gave up. I finally found what I felt was the diagnosed that was missing. I found someone semi close to me, that specialized in BPD. Meeting with her became a dream of mine. It caused a fight with my parents, but I spent most of my savings on seeing her for an intake. I went with a completely open mind, I was nothing but honest. I never mentioned the words BPD to her, I wanted to see what she had to say. I felt she really understood me. I wanted to jump and down and cry at the same time. I never use my diagnose as a crutch, but the relief I felt, to know my experiences were validated was priceless. I still did a lot of therapy hopping, but I finally found the perfect match of a therapist and a psychiatrist. My therapist moved and my mental health journey was kind of paused for a while. Now that the COVID 19 is a thing and I have been quarantined, I have had a lot of time to think. I felt depressed for a little, but I decided to challenge my feelings and use this time to focus on me. I said I was going to come out of the stronger then ever. Since everything is now accessible at the power of my finger tips, I was going to explore the virtual world and get the help I needed. I joined face book groups and what I like to call interviewed lots of therapist. On Thursday, I have a feeling my life is about to be the breaking point I have been waiting for my whole life. I know it’s going to take a lot of hard work, but I realized there is nothing that I want more and I am ready to give more then my all. I came across your site and felt an automatic connection. I feel like you would be the perfect people, to help me get my story out to those or even that one person who would benift from hearing it. My parents are the people who I say psychically abused me my whole life, but now I consider them my life support. I have given them books to read and signed them up for a family connections course, they do anything in their power to help me. They would be willing to speak to you as well about what it’s like to have a love one who is diagnosed with BPD. If you are willing to hear more about my story of day to day struggles, please feel free to reach out to me. I hope to hear from you soon.

My heart races in thoughts of what this pandemic is doing to peoples mental health and them having to isolate maybe all alone beside their caregivers whom also feel the same as well.

Myself having a lifelong chronic barriers of bi-polar, depression, social anxiety and even panic disorder have been able to find some sort of normalcy in the day to day living and tasks of life along side of the stigmas and inability to be be as some would say as “normal”, but who and what is that? Who are they and where is normal located? lol

At first during the start of the epidemic (pre-pandemic) period, I thought to myself wow this actually makes others now know and experience in this social distancing time the thoughts and feelings that people as I endure every day of our lives having disorders that now was forced upon humanity by origin still unknown, and it made me feel more apart of society in all the wrong ways!

I knew I should not feel happy that others are now feeling what I feel most of the time for decades now and it turned into an understanding and empathy for those that may have lost a job or two and have family to provide for and a wave of hopelessness hit me in those thoughts of all the people that may not know how to be able to cope with such loss and the empty sad feelings with despair in the loneliness in having to ask for government assistance, and even neighbors for basic needs to be met when just weeks ago our U.S. economy was booming and like a light switch it all got turned off and people are dying in every city.

It is my hope that those folks that need to reach out for support do so and are able to find things of support also right where they are at home whether it be faith building by reading encouragement books to pass the time, and learn to use positive stressors to beat the negative ones that come at us in our days and nights. Look up positive stressors online and see if some may work for you.

Sleep works only temporarily and then the more you sleep the more anxiety you feel when awake.

Try to keep as close to the same routine of awake time as before this crisis, and add on some things to keep your thoughts from going down on yourself and of life, because this crisis is only temporary and with your inner strength the light at the end of the tunnel will get closer and closer and everything soon will be back to your seemingly “normal” day to day stuff.

One last thing I’ll say is that no matter where you are in your ability or inability to rationalize your core being and accept this crisis and overcome it all, just know that you are definitely not alone and someone is thinking about you right now.

BE SAFE, BE DISTANT, BUT BE TRUE TO YOU AND WE WILL SEE THIS THING THROUGH. 

David Holland / Sebring, Florida 

I work in health care and am so tired of hearing others make light of mental health issues.  I am bipolar, I take my medication and I excel at many things.  I love others deeply and am very positive.  If you meet me, you would never assume that my struggles are such a balancing act.  It’s not easy.  Managing my emotions, medications, sleep, appointments, time and responsibilities is extremely difficult.  I am happily married, I work, have 5 kids (2 biological, 2 step and 1 foster), attend church, maintain an orderly home, enjoy healthy friendships and family connections.  Nobody who meets me thinks of me as anything other than normal.  However, once they do know, they say things like, “You don’t seem bipolar”, “You must have a mild case” or the ever popular “Are you sure?”.  

What I want others to recognize is that I manage my illness well and it has taken years to learn how. Much like any other illness, I have spent time, money and energy learning what to do and how to do it well and consistently.  I choose to be fairly open with others about my diagnosis.  Being a good example of what bipolar looks like when managed is something that I am proud of sharing.  I have had advocates along the way who helped guide me and I have built a good network to provide a safety net for myself.  Open and honest communication with trusted individuals helps keep me balanced.  I still have moment when circumstances throw me.  It’s not uncommon for me to need quiet time and time to recuperate from too much stimulation.  Knowing what I need is a big part of what keeps me feeling and acting well.

Much credit goes to the medical community and consumers who are willing to share their knowledge and wisdom.  Without the open and loving acceptance of other people who deal with the same issues that I have, I would feel very different than I feel today.  My family and friends have also taken the time to learn about my illness.  Being part of a family that has several people with the same diagnosis has been difficult.  However, there is also the benefit of understanding that there is no place for shame.  We are all doing what we can to live our best lives.  

Here’s where I say to others who may not understand what we go through, PLEASE stop saying offensive things about someone who is struggling to do their best.  You wouldn’t call someone with a heart issue just plain lazy and crazy and expect them to “just stop it” or “straighten up and fly right”.  Be gentle with your words.  Remember that we are all in this life together and love goes a long way.  Use the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Hello.  We all can live a great, purposeful life managing Bipolar Condition or any mental health situations. 

The social stigma of mental illness used to bother me to no end…and contribute to my problems!  I’m over that now, but I prefer to call it Bipolar Condition vs. “Disorder”.  I also prefer to discuss Mental Health vs. “Illness”.

My story in general: 

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