I wrote this poem and read it at my college at mctc on october 20th.. when Nami came and talked for our mental health awareness day. Along with abby miller, OTR/L…it was a wonderful experience for me as a student and a one who deals with anxiety, depression
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#mental health #inspiration #hope #submission #suicideI self-harmed for many years and attempted suicide at 19.
I have a daughter with Borderline Personality Disorder and a son with Bipolar Disorder.
I’ve been living with Chronic Migraine Disorder for almost 3 years.
I was also diagnosed with depressive disorder as a complication of chronic illness in April 2015.
Sure, it’s logical that someone living with daily pain would be depressed at times…or often. How could one living with that NOT get depressed? I’ve lost friends, lost being able to spend much time with family, lost ground in classes, lost the ability to do simple things without paying with pain…lost so much.
The past few months, though, have been particularly rough. It’s been a real struggle to care about much of anything, to want to get out of bed and fight through another day, to just keep going and hang in there.
Borderline personality disorder.
Hello there, my name is Leah Groom and I’d like to share my story with you today.
When I was 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder which hit me like a ton of bricks, why is this happening? Why me? What did I ever do wrong? All sorts of questions were running through my head I was terrified and felt isolated from the rest of the world feeling like nobody would ever understand me, I shut my family out and let myself coil in self despair. Getting a diagnosis is hard but it’s also a huge relief although I felt all these extremely negative feelings I also felt like I finally had an answer.
For many years I felt as though something was wrong, before I had my diagnosis I was a wreck. I couldn’t cope with my emotions I had this unexplainable anger inside I couldn’t understand why I felt so paranoid and hated I never wanted to be alone I clung to a very unhealthy relationship if we ever broke up I’d cry and feel suicidal and beg for him to come back I refused to sleep alone and slept with my mother if he wasn’t there, I left my work, I left education, I self harmed, I was always anxious, If I tried to sleep in my own room by myself I’d hear voices which terrified me, I never felt so alone. Desperate and fragile I reached out for help and that’s when they diagnosed me. At first I couldn’t believe what I was hearing at first to me it felt as though I was being degraded “Not so bad personality disorder” is what I referred it to. Until I actually searched up the meaning, the word borderline is used because people with this illness border between “Psychosis and neurosis”. For me this explained a lot and made me feel that there really WAS something wrong and the term “Borderline” wasn’t used to belittle my illness. As messed up and alone as I felt, worrying that the world and others around me would judge me, petrified of the stigma I reached out…
And things slowly started to change….
After years of experiencing instability in my mood and self-image, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) at the age of 21. And since BPD is a misunderstood disorder, I’m going to start off by giving NAMI’s definition of BPD.
“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to a few days.
Some people with BPD also have high rates of co-occurring mental disorders, such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and eating disorders, along with substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal thinking and behaviors, and suicide.
While mental health experts now generally agree that the label ‘borderline personality disorder’ is very misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.”
Receiving these diagnoses caused me to feel a million different emotions at once. On one hand, I was relieved that I was not making it all up and that I was not alone. But on the other hand, I was terrified as to what these diagnoses meant for me and my life. I thought that if I researched and found out everything I could about my diagnoses that I could somehow beat them. I was wrong.
Dear Journal,
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 6 years ago today. After two suicide attempts in two different ways, hospitalizations, rehabilitation, counseling, and multiple misdiagnoses, I can finally say “I’m OK”. Being ok is better than feeling numb, or feeling like I’m screaming in a room full of people and can’t be heard. I no longer let these depressing clichés represent my life. I do my own variation of coping and I’m ok with that now.
Therapy has been cool. I am finally touching subjects that were once sensitive. It’s scary cause I don’t know what is going to come out of my Pandora’s box. But I trust my psychologist.. finally. I made amends with a person of my past who I hated all my life. I have gotten a chance to see my brothers after our separation at Mom’s funeral 10 years ago. They are all grown up now. Mom would be proud in the strong men they have become.
I’m still in and out of homelessness though. It used to be a trigger my I’m fighting and trying to not let it take me backwards. Meditation on other things than what is going “wrong” in my life has really help. Having food every now and again, working now, and going to school to become a clinician myself.
I am finding out who I am now… and I'm 28 years old, overweight, cutter, artist, singer, speaker for LGBTQ, ER registrar, sketcher, reader, AA, beautiful and… I’m OK. I can’t help others until I help myself. So I hope my venting helped you.
Sincerely,
Lory.
If you found this, then you may find it hard finding or fighting hope. It’s not always easy, and I know. I’m diagnosed with generalized anxiety, panic disorder, Anorexia and borderline personality disorder. As a teen I spent several years in institutions and group homes.
Hello there my name is Morgan Choice. I grew up in Syd, but for the last few years I have been living in L.A dancing professionally. Everything for the first year was going well but things started to explode….
The last two years I have been suffering severe depression, OCD, BPD (borderline personality disorder), self harm, trauma and suicide ideation, which ended with my admission into a mental institution this year in L.A.
For some time it was hard to believe and accept that the root problem for all these things could be something that happened over 10 years ago.
At age 12 my mother and I battled through a long journey of domestic violence. It’s took years to uncover details and still 10 years later not everything is clear. There were days I was certain that I didn’t want to be on this earth anymore, but I am truly thankful to have had friends around to save me.
Through this struggle I’ve met an alarming amount of people my age and older who always felt it was embarrassing to speak up. That they were afraid people would think they are weak because they didn’t stop it sooner or get out. But the main thing I believe is “YOU ARE NOT WEAK!!” You are NEVER responsible not matter what, for someone to abuse you. This I believe with all my heart.
During all this I found it therapeutic to hear others stories and set goals to one day help others. A few weeks ago i came across an organization in Australia that provides safe housing for victims suffering from domestic violence, mental health issues and homelessness.
I still find it hard everyday to feel like I’m strong but everyday I try and fight through this with acceptance and patience.
No matter what you’re going through I send you strength, courage, compassion and comfort to fight through and see the end.
I was diagnosed with BPD when I was in the US Army in 1983. With several hundred therapy visits, 2+ years facilitating for NAMI Multnomah and my own strong determination to get better I was told by my therapist at the time, “You no longer display any of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder”. I was floored!!! But I have not stopped striving to better my life. NAMI Connection has been an integral source of strength and knowledge for me. I am hoping to facilitate again where I now live.
I still have some mental health issues. ADHD and OCD are two of the most present now, but I have PTSD from the abuse I suffered growing up. I still see a therapist and most likely will for most of the remainder of my life. My husband and I are well versed in NAMI Connection. We first began going to a NAMI Connection group in 2013. My first visit was scary for me. I stood at the door to the room and froze. The facilitator, at that time, got up and led me by hand to a chair. I haven’t quit supporting NAMI. Everything I purchase at Amazon.com gives a percentage of my purchase to NAMI Multnomah!!!
My name is Tyrene Casha. I am writing my story about how I recovered from mental health illness. I have recovered from numerous mental health disorders but the one I am discussing today is the disorder that haunted my existence for most of my life and caused me much pain and heartache; a borderline personality disorder.
I was not diagnosed till I was about 20 years old. When I was first diagnosed I laughed in my psychiatrist’s face and walked out. I didn’t even care if it was true or if it wasn’t, I was so high and life was great; what did it really matter? I can’t even remember why I was there in the first place to be honest. I spent most of my life on an impulse; using drugs and alcohol and craving danger. I had so much rage in me as well that if I was provoked, I became the danger. I was depressed at times but it meant very little because I was always on drugs. I spent ten years drinking and drugging to keep my disorder suppressed; re traumatizing myself and being traumatized in various ways that almost took my life till one day, I had enough. I decided to get sober and the breaking point for me was when I overdosed for the second time on methamphetamine; the first time was on ecstasy. This particular overdose brought me to the huge realization that there was something extremely wrong within me and I needed help.
I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is on top of my other diagnoses of bipolar II disorder, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. BPD affects four areas of my life:
1. Emotional Dysregulation:
I have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety. I have struggled with mental health illness since I was a child and because I was misdiagnosed with depression at the age of eleven, have suffered for quite some time. I also struggled with alcoholism for a few years, having inherited it from my Dad.
I’ve been on many medications, seen several therapists and psychiatrists, made numerous suicide attempts, and self-harmed. I felt broken. I wasn’t thriving and I didn’t expect to survive. Then there was a miracle. I conceived my daughter. She was born in December of 2008.
I needed to at least live for her sake at that point, but I was still barely surviving. It was the spring of 2015 when I decided to quit alcohol and to go into the hospital because I was severely depressed and suicidal. The doctor changed my medications and a few days before my discharge date the doctor made me realize that I was still in a deep depression. I still needed help. I decided to do ECT.
It was a major decision but it changed my life. The combination of ECT, medications, and therapy have helped me onto my road of recovery. I’m not 100% and I still have my episodes. However, have my treatment team, my friends, and my family to guide me and help me. I’m not alone.