Mybname is Paul. I have been dealing with mental illness most of my life. I have PTSD, DEPRESSION, ANXIET, AND SUICIDAL TENDENCES.  I mention all of thes in bold lettering to offer a hand to say, “I do struggle myself.”  The blessing is I have a job that allows me to give a little bit of myself back.  I have tried to end my life more then once. I know how addicting cutting can be or just the thoughts of ending everything.  I am the last person to ask for help. Even when I should be the first,  I Apologize if this seems to be all over the place. My mind since my brain injury from assault lt has changed my view on life.  I had to relearn how to walk and talk all over again from being in a comma. I do have static paralyses in my right hand. I am so learning how to better myself every day. Sometimes you just need a little help.  Due the COVID 19. I have retreated and not looked for any support on my own. I experience a few NAMI programs. I would like to force myself to make time to manage my mental health the best I can..So, for inspiration.  I am requesting help.  My life is Stagnant and is a lot of struggling on a daily bases. I work as a personal trainer with people with disabilities. It is very rewarding to know that I am doing with folks is pain management.  And is rewarding the little gains of lowering someones pain and mental outlook on what they can do to better them self. Personally finically I am barely making it for for now.

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Hello, my name Daniel and I struggle with Schizophrenia. It really all started with me being to scared to get near under my bed, in which I would jump to my bed from as far from my bed as I could, occasionally making me hit my arm or knee of the bed frame. Next, I’d look up to a figure staring at me or going to another room and someone is staring at something. Finally, the delusions were the worst part. I’d think if the full moon was full, I would be unsafe, I thought my limbs were turning purple or that someone was after me. My friends would tell me nobody is where I’m saying one of my hallucinations would be or would say that the moon or something would hurt me. I didn’t believe I had Schizophrenia or any other mental illness but finally, I believed my friends after the first psychotic episode. I was stressed over school and decided to go on a walk and sit down for a while. I constantly got worried someone was behind me and would look behind me often. Finally, i looked behind me and a figure was staring at me and started walking towards me. I kept saying, ”Please leave me alone,” or “Please dont hurt me.”

Anyway, now I’m with friends that help me through it and understand. 

Do you ever feel your emotions physically? It might be a pit in your stomach or a tension in your back. It calls out to you, like a siren blaring, “something is wrong”. A month or so ago, I had this pit in my stomach that would not go away. It felt like a sustained, subtle panic attack that lasted several days, perhaps even a week. I couldn’t understand what it was telling me. To run? To stay? Which thoughts should I follow? Which were trying to be helpful and which were feeding this feeling in my stomach? I tried many of my usual coping skills to make it go away: running, meditation, sleep, talking it out. Nothing was working, which indicated that it was something deeper.

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My whole life I found myself never truly understanding why I had so many different identities, I have been so many different people in the past based on what i believe to be me at the time or whom i am around or what they want me to do be. The lies I tell, the inability to hold down a relationship due to being so defensive and dwelling on mistakes or criticism even when its something so small.

I buy things online, in shops like a millionaire to make myself feel better or spare of the moment idea which got out of control. I have binged eaten, I have smoked, drank excessively and in secret to self abuse. I never truly trust or dedicate myself to anyone, i am always one foot out the door so to speak.