One in five adults live with mental illness

You’ve spent your childhood watching your mother or father struggle with anxiety, depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can’t remember if you put the cuts on your arms or if it was something they did. Everything may be going smoothly and suddenly, you find yourself furious, panicky or tearful and you don’t know why. They never noticed the cuts. Your life is often filled with anxiety, uncertainty, and vigilance. You don’t let your father see you cry when his anger breaks your jewelry box; the gift you cherished that he gave you only two months ago. You were plagued by loneliness, vulnerability, and helplessness. You felt unwanted, abandoned, and lost. 

I was convinced no one would believe me, so I hid my chaotic home life from everyone. I was the family mediator, calming down a frightened father and comforting a sad, lonely mother. I convinced myself I was defective or different from other kids. When I was in school, instead of paying attention to my teachers, I’d spend all day worrying about how my mom was doing.

I lived in a permanent state of hyper-vigilance, constantly attuned to my father’s erratic moods and my mother’s helplessness. I chose to stay close to my emotionally unavailable, controlling partners and swallowed my needs to gain their approval. I wish I was beaten. I’d feel more legitimate. Who cares about me? Doesn’t anyone notice? I felt angry. I felt scared. The problem is no one can see my scars. I feel like if I told someone I was verbally abused, they’d think I was just complaining about being yelled at. If I’d been a better daughter my mother wouldn’t have been so sick. If I’d been a better son my mother wouldn’t have been so sick. All I knew was my grandparents were telling me that mum’s sick and dad was telling me that mum’s sick and I was confused, because she didn’t look sick to me.

I need positive feedback

Trauma and betrayal.

Staying out of the way, and staying safe.

Growing myself up.

I found myself in a paralyzing depression. I was suffering from complex posttraumatic stress disorder. There’s nobody in this world who loves me … I don’t have a mother’s love or a father’s love, or, family love… so it wouldn’t matter if I disappeared off the face of the earth.

My mother stopped sleeping when I went to college. Maybe it was my father’s heart attacks, maybe it was me. She’s been withering since. My familial environment was terrifying, and the chronic nature of this negativity exacerbated the effects of the neglect and abuse I endured. I found myself constantly trying to fix him. When I’m asleep and my roommate burns her grilled cheese at two in the morning my heart races as the smoke detector beeps. It takes everything in me to stop the panic building. The tears escape anyway. Growing up with dad, I never felt secure… and I know that I have always been anxious, my whole life. I feared to pass on the illness to a future generation. I’m scared to have kids. What if I treat them the same way my parents treated me? What if I don’t get well enough to care for them?

These were necessary behaviors when I was young, but they aren’t vital for my survival anymore. You can identify and stop participating in abusive relationship dynamics. Try to engage with people who make you feel safe and respected, who listen well and are emotionally available. I can be my own person. Thank your shame for protecting you and ask it to please step back. Your childhood was not your fault. It was ok to put some distance between me and my mother, even though I loved her. I named, validated and felt the sadness in my body as I gave myself compassion. I took a walk through the park and looked at nature. I felt better. It fostered empathy, compassion, and resilience. You had terrible role modeling from your mother. You had terrible role modeling from your father.

I will not inherit my mother’s pain. I will not inherit my father’s fear. She never showed you that we can learn to control our impulses. So I’m worth saving? I’m not irredeemably bad? I will always have ups and downs and have to manage fears and the damage that will always be there, but now I accept it and work with it. I can thank my parents for everything they have done for me. But I no longer owe them anything. I will grow strong. I will get better. I will be happy. And I will remember:

I cannot heal my parents.

This is a Found Essay, meaning that I pulled lines from different essays on NAMI and incorperated them with my own experience wot create a creative Non- Fiction piece.

Mental health coverage should be a top priority.  Anybody disagreeing lives in their own bubble.  And that bubble can burst anytime with  family strife/hospitalizations/unrealized dreams/wasted and lost lives, etc.  The monster of mental illness is not limited to the poor and homeless.  It can cause strife and disaster for people in all walks of life.  We need more research for better medications and better treatment and parity coverage with insurance.  Most families know someone in their own family or friends/co-workers/neighbors who suffer from mental illness.  It is vastly widespread  and affects everyone.  The affluent catering to insurance and wall street profits is doing immense irreparable disaster to our population. 

My name is Eric. That is my real name. It doesn’t get any realer than that; that’s what I’ve realized. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, major depression, panic disorder and chronic pain secondary to spine injury. Before these diagnoses, I was a temporary patient of Kaiser and I was diagnosed with PTSD stemming from many things:  guilt and shame originating from a Judaeo-Christian complex, having taken a human life using “imperfect” self-defense when I was 18 years old and serving many years in hardcore level four years of California state prisons for it, and several other horrible things that happen in life. 

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There is a long standing history that the institution of mental health has been unjustly accusing those who do not exhibit mentally-ill behaviors or symptoms their entire life and placed into mental wards to hit their numbers and make that number grow.

I have a read a book called “The Myth of Mental Illness” by Szasz. And while it covers some portion of psychiatry as being valid, it does not address that people without mental illness are placed into mental disorder categories using law enforcement(CIT) or excessive use of force and by fabricated testimonials and not real evidence. They are also a silent generation as they are placed into a system where they feel they cannot speak up without sounding like they are going against an overwhelming power in which they feel they cannot win, as they have been set up to go into the healthcare system without real symptoms and pay up into it.

The silent people who have been unjustly accused and placed into this unfair healthcare system of greed are stigmatized while they need legal representation that would be so brave to fight for them, find it hard to prove with sullied testimonials surrounding them that believe they should be placed there. As those that place them there are also scared or hiding about being targeted instead.

The other side is that, if mental health practitioners do want higher numbers, mental disorder/illness does not become as stigmatized over time due to a higher rise in numbers of those as mentally-ill. As we would like almost everyone to have a prescription and see therapist on a regular basis, that is another topic yet to be vetted openly. But also, never discussed.

Criminally-ill are also very different from the mental illness category, I also have problems with this in the press and with pro-gun stories as they are often looped in with high-functioning mentally ill stable members of society.

I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid.  I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d.  I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony.  I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch.  I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable.  My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom.  We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background.  Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us.  My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.  

I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid.  I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d.  I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony.  I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch.  I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable.  My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom.  We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background.  Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us.  My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.  

I think of mental illness as added weight on your shoulders. It is much harders to move forward in life, and if anything, you are unable to move at all. 

I had a brain surgery(tumor in left temporal lobe) in 2012. Resulting in, major depression,

Anxiety, PTSD, neurocognitive disorder, social anxiety, and personality disorder.

I try and try and try, but moving forwards seems not to be an option or me. I want to do better, but my mind and emotions are damaged. 

My thoughts race 100mph daily. It hard to focus on my current situation which leads me to failing tasks at work. Mental Illness is not a joke, and in my opinion, there not doing enough for the people who suffer with this. 

I am 20 years old now, and have suffered my entire childhood with Major Depression, anxiety, and Social anxiety. 

Me as well as speaking for millions of other americans, we need help. 

I have been struggling with mental illness for most of my 55 years on this planet. I have seen so many therapists over the years that there is no way I could begin, to remember their names. My diagnoses include PTSD, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, ADD, and so on and so on. But that is not why I decided to post my story. In 2010 I married my soul-mate who also suffers from several mental health issues. Every day is a struggle, I am not going to lie. But in 2012 I decided to take a huge step forward and return to school. All the way growing up I was a mediocre student at best. Doing the bare minimum of work to pass my classes. So, when I went to take the college entrance exam I figured well, my idea of going back to college would be dead right then and there. But something incredible happened not only did I pass I ended up being placed in the honors classes. I was convinced that this was a mistake, a one time fluke that could never be replicated. Well I was wrong. I ended up leaving the community college because it became too hard for me with my agoraphobia. But the story didn’t end there. I subsequently enrolled at Southern New Hampshire University in their online program. I am not going to lie, sometimes its incredibly hard to stay focused, to keep my eye on the prize. I only am a half-time student and it is taking me a really long time to move through the courses. But the good news is I am more than halfway there and for most of my classes I receive A’s and B’s but I have had one failure which is why my GPA is only 2.72. And I just wanted to say if I can do this so can you, if only you give it a try. Oh yeah, by the way, my major…..Well it’s Psychology of course with a focus on Addictions.

I want to wish anyone who may be reading this good luck with your future too. And remember you can do it too!!!

Kathy

I moved in with my abusive step mother in 2006 and lived with here till 2014 when my dad died of cancer (i was 11). I now live with my bipolar mom and little brother. I suffer from PTSD, OCD, depression, schizophrenia, anxiety, and panic attacks. I used to be suicidal, but I could not leave my brother all alone with my mother, so I’m coping.

I am a 36 yr old mom of 5 kids. I had a 8 year period of homelessnesand neglect drugs abuse etc. I recently forced myself to accept the 20 yrs of mental health diagnoseses of bipolar 1 p.t.s.d. schizoaffective disorder. I woke up in a eugene oregon hospital uncertain of how i got there. they explained i overdosed on zyprexa. they told me they had to shock my heart twice to revive me, pump my stomachce, they could barely get an iv in me my bloodpressure plumetted to nothing they had me in a warming unit. they saved my life when i tried to end it and now two months later i feel depressed major and need support.