Bipolar Blessing
I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder in my late thirties having shown no previous signs of the illness other than maybe a short temper and sharp tongue and experimenting with drugs and alcohol in high school and college. I had one short lived promiscuous period in college but had remained a virgin throughout high school. I blame that period more on the imbalance of placing too much emphasis on partying on not enough on studying. When I was diagnosed, I was undergoing a lot of stress due to marital problems. I suspected my husband was cheating on me. He was. At the time, my two daughters were in elementary school It started out as a mild depression then catapulted into full blown mania with psychosis. I was offered medication for the depression but declined as I had never been on medication in my life. This all happened around 9/11 and followed what I would call a spiritual awakening.
In my depression, I had turned to Faith and had just finished a bible study called Breaking Free. A manic episode wasn’t the “Breaking Free” I had intended. I had also turned to improving my physical health and had just completed a half marathon. I had also felt led to run for political office and garnered 27,000 votes without raising money or seriously campaigning. It had a lot to do with the anti incumbent vote. In any case, the illness hit me out of the blue. I believed it to be a curse for many years as I have been Baker Acted three times and have had close run ins with the law. When I chose to divorce my husband during the last manic episode, I was drinking heavily to cope with the stress of ending an 18 year marriage. My beautiful daughters chose to live with him because they had seen my unstable side. I don’t blame them one bit but being apart from them during their middle and high school years will be a sadness badge I carry forever.
Divorcing my husband was a very good decision for me in the long run though. I have met a wonderful man who treats me the way a husband should treat a wife. He may not go to church but he’s more righteous than many church going people I’ve met, including my ex husband. I’m 51 years old now and have held the same job for over 5 years, have been remarried for going on 4 years and have great relationships with my daughters and family, who I’ve hurt immensely while manic. I did try going off my medication for a short while last summer and went manic again. I saw the symptoms quickly and went back on the medication right away. I now know that I have the type of Bipolar that requires medication for life and I’m ok with that! I was fortunate to find a doctor through unfortunate circumstances in 2007 who was willing to try a new medication combination on me and it worked! We need more open minded prescription prescribers in the world.
Being diagnosed with a mental illness was devastating to me psychologically and emotionally for over a decade. Perhaps it’s pre-menopause or just wisdom that comes from age but I now think that my illness is a blessing not a curse. I have been through things that others can’t imagine. I’ve had hyper religious experiences that are hard to explain. I’ve tried more medications and been on so many at one time that they made me crazier. I’ve seen and heard things in mental health facilities that made me cringe. I’ve met some beautiful people with mental illnesses along the way. What bipolar has put me through has made me a very empathetic person. It has made my faith very powerful. It may have changed my world but it has brought me back to the girl I used to be and I’m thankful for that!
On September 9rd 2003, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I . (Bipolar II is mostly depression with some manic episodes. Bipolar I is full blown mania with little depression.