I was once a child filled with inspiration and love for the world around me. I found beauty in the smallest of things and that is what made me special. What made me special to others was the fact that I was a little girl; an object to be used. I was abused in ways which words cannot express and that inspiration and love left my little body and the spark for life left my eyes. I became an echo of who I was supposed to be and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. This darkness ran in the family and it grabbed ahold of my heart and wouldn’t let it go.
As I grew I found solace in art; any type of art that could express the dark void inside became my sound escape from my reality. In time I began to find a new meaning through educating myself about others who had gone through what I had. Scoring 9 out of 10 on the ACE score, it was highly predicted that I wouldn’t amount to anything, but I have. No money, little family, no friends, but education was the key. I graduated a year and a half early in the top 5% of my class in high school; I graduated Sum Cum Laude with my Bachelor’s degree in psychology and am now working towards my PhD in clinical psychology whilst working fulltime for the Department of Child Safety for my state government.

Keep reading

My fight with bipolar disorder is a daily battle. As a mother, step-mother, and wife I try my best to stay strong for my family. Everyone has their demons, but mine sit on my shoulders, never letting me rest. There are times I want to leave everything and disappear. There are times when I throw things and scream, but what gives me hope are the times my family tells me they love me, and it will be okay. I have tried tons of different meds and therapy, with no luck, but i know if I keep pushing through I will survive. Keep your head up, kiss your scars, and smile, because it’s the first day of the rest of your life.

Stay Strong & Love Life

 ” Well, dear Demi I wanna take a minute not to ask for anything from you but simply to say thank you for everything and Stay Strong, you teach me that! ” Send this to Demi Lovato please but it’s my story

So here it goes: Over the last three years, I have not been well because I suffered bullying in school. Now, I have a depression and I think in death, I don’t like my life! I’m fourteen and I always feel so nervous because everyone is so perfect and while I feel so worthless, and they look so happy, while lately for me, my mood has been crappy? I’ve been used by guys, I’ve been hurt by girls, I’ve been hit by my mom, and cursed by the world, so I keep losing weight, just trying to be perfect, I’m waiting for somebody to tell me that I’m worth it.

And I feel like in my life I have not one friend. I’ve been hurt too much, and my trust is all gone.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m as frail as a fawn, all these guys are using me, saying my beauty’s true you see, but then they all abuse me, and none of it is news to me.

They call it anorexia, my wish to be completely perfect.

Does my story end here? Thats all that I wanna know.

I never thought that I’d end up feeling fully alone.

In my room, no ones there, I cry myself to sleep.

I wish that I could love, and live and just leave.

Breathe, I made it through another long day.

Finding fear in the words that I didn’t ever say.

How can I match up to what the world says is beautiful?

I look into the mirror and the me I see is unsuitable.

Tell me I’m beautiful, that’s all I really wanna hear.

Hold me close, and make all of the pain disappear.

It’s unhealthy, I know I should treat myself better.

I want someone to understand me down to the letter.

But mark my words, I’ll be stronger then I ever was.

I’ll be happy with myself, and honestly I never was.

I need to move on, past this diary I’ve always kept.

And all the pages that hold all the tears that I wept. ”

Over the past few years, I have learned to embrace my mental illness and most importantly, not be ashamed. Staying strong has been the most challenging task I’ve ever been faced with and the need to stay strong doesn’t stop for one second.

Years ago, I was a tenacious and independent woman…I was a pistol! As time continued to pass, my mental condition slowly began to deteriorate and then suddenly, everything seemed to be lost. All of my dreams, ambitions, my sense of self and everything in between disappeared and I was completely lost with nowhere to go. I knew I was severely depressed but like many others like me, I had been misdiagnosed for the previous 10+ years.  And then I finally received my proper diagnosis as Bipolar II.  

I have attempted recovery with the help of amazing doctors, 20+ medications, therapy, very patient loved ones, etc.  with no luck. I am currently undergoing Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) as my next line of defense and to be completely honest, if this doesn’t work, I don’t know where else to turn.

Keep reading

Hey guys! Whoever is reading this, thank you! You took time out of your day just to read this, I appreciate it! Anyway, I hope you’re safe and the people surrounding you are safe as well! I also hope you’re doing okay with the situation going on around in the world. It’s hard, it is but you have to stay strong. It sucks how everything in seconds changed for everyone in the world. If I am being honest, it’s okay to be angry. There are so many emotions you must be feeling right now, let it all out. After letting go of these emotions, you need to get back up. You can’t keep hurting yourself, it’s not fair! Sometimes we have to take our life into our own hands, change the way we live. We have all the time in the world, why not use this time to do what we want? Something we’ve always wished to do but never had time to spare for it. Let’s take care of our bodies, communicate with friends, and try something new every day! Change the way we live our lives, become a better version of ourselves. At the end of the day, whatever we choose to do is up to us. We decide what we do. Let’s make a decision that makes us happy, brings peace into our lives. Something I do suggest you should do is meditate, meditating every day even for five minutes can change the way you view your life! Every day is a different day, a better day. Choose what you do with the day, choose the way you live it. Don’t let the world win, fight this battle and show the world you won. Take your life into your own hands, when times are tough you should talk to someones. Become a better different version of yourself, learn something new about yourself every day. You got this, I believe in you<3 

“You are my inspiration, my strength, and all that I hold closely. The person I laugh with or the person to cry with. Whether the day is with sunshine or not. You are my other half and I’m besides you no matter what. I love you dear.”

My husband-to-be has bipolar type 2 disorder. He was diagnosed a year ago, and today, he left me this lovely message. 

As a young 22 year old woman who has spent most of her years with a dysfunctional family, I am familiar with mental illness. 

When I fell in love with my husband-to-be, Rikki, I didn’t know he was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder, but I also didn’t stop loving him once he told me. 

As a young woman trying to find her own footing in life, I’m having trouble coping with the in’s and out’s of life lately. I’m having trouble coping with the pains of seeing my own family undergo mental illness, including that of Rikki. 

Regardless, I think a common point is rarely touched upon for those who have mental illness and those who care and love the people in their lives that have mental illness: You are both in this together. 

As a young woman used to doing things alone and without the full physical and mental support of her family, I grew up isolated and independent as a way to survive. Now that I have Rikki in my life, I’m shedding my outer skin of loneliness to reveal a stronger skin of togetherness. 

My husband-to-be has bipolar type 2 disorder and I don’t. And yet, he remembers to include me into his life as much as I do him. He has type 2 bipolar disorder and that doesn’t mean he can’t support me or love me. I may take care of him when he has his tough times, but that doesn’t mean he can’t care for me too when he can. We support each other when we need each other most, and we continue to love each other even through the up’s and down’s of life. Caring for him doesn’t mean I’m alone, it never has and it never will. 

Life is hard enough without someone to love and grow with. It’s time I remember he is more than just a man with bipolar disorder; he is Rikki, my husband-to-be, and every day we choose to live and love life together. 

All the world’s indeed a screen

A stage with faceless crowds

Electric hugs, the only love

On this uncaring cloud

Frigid tank of blatherings

Self-indulgent posts

Fishes fishing with no bait

To catch the warmth of ghosts

Swimming in our bowls alone

Running out of air

With tin cups and warm regards

Wanting touch and care

Post a quote before we go

Hoping for reply

Validation flares shot up

Into a heartless sky

Just a “like” to make us feel

As though we matter here

Someone, somewhere following

So we don’t disappear

Never answering the pleas

Of others in the fray

Too busy calling out for help

Sadly, so are they

In my teens, during a heated argument I once told someone “I think I need help.“  The response was, "No you don’t, that’s ridiculous."  I forced myself to believe that; I thought "ok, maybe you’re right, maybe I’m just being overly dramatic."  And I went on with my life, feeling lonely and unhappy for many years.  I was overweight, unattractive, shy, had very few friends, and couldn’t get a date with anyone.  I also had a constant stream of unpleasant words running through my head, but I’d figured that was just a normal thing that came with being unhappy.

When I finally met someone to spend the rest of my life with, I almost ruined it, because I’d never received the help I needed when I was younger.  Because of my problems, over the years my brain had built up all kinds of self-defenses to keep me feeling like I was worth something, in spite of my shortcomings, and it actually got to the point where I felt like I was superior to most everyone, and that people weren’t worth my time.  I was under serious stress from the word stream, too, from trying to fight it off 24/7.  In short, I had become a horrible, cynical, selfish person who felt like the world owed me something, that everyone around me owed me something, and that no one could possibly understand the loneliness and unhappiness that I’d felt for most of my life.  And I ended up hurting my special someone because of all this, and he suffered emotionally for a long time because of me.

In 2011, I finally, FINALLY realized what I’d done, and I broke down, horrified at myself.  I told him, "please, I just want someone to fix whatever’s wrong with me."  He referred me to a psychologist he’d seen as a teen, and I finally made that much-needed appointment.

Keep reading

I am sure that I was  born with an mental illness.  I have suffered with symptoms as long as I remember.  I was very anxious as a little girl.  I cried a lot in school.  My concentration was terrible. As a teen I feel into deep depressions.

I felt like there was a monster in me.  In order to deal with this monster I pretended that I was OK a lot but I was not.  when I fell in to deep depressions I had no choice but to be miserable. 

As adult I was in depression episodes even longer. I also noticed that i would have a brief time of hypomania but then fall into a depression episode. I had been through them so many times that I knew when they could be coming.   I tried to stop them I tried so hard to snap out of it but could not.  I thought I was just a bad person.  My terrible thoughts and negative thinking was all because I had no faith or that I was just an awful person.  With this thinking I only added to my troubles. i did not know then what I was dealing with until after my second child. 

Keep reading