Two and a half years ago I was sitting in a dark, cold, and absurdly loud jail cell. I was withdrawing off of alcohol. All I wanted was peace and quiet, but that was not an option. I tried to get comfortable on my plastic mattress that barely cushioned the metal bunk bed I called my home. My head pounded, my clammy skin crawled, and my stomach flipped while fighting to hold the couple bites of food down I finally forced myself to eat.

Jail was the best possible place for me to be at that moment in my life.  God knew he had to do something dramatic with my life for me to realize I was living a miserable, hopeless existence and the only way I would quit drinking is if I sat in jail for 33 days. As I sat there thinking about all the bad decisions I made and people I hurt, I realized at that point in my life I had nothing. No home. No friends. No visitors. No boyfriend. No money. No job. I had nothing. Alcohol had taken everything from me. Alcohol controlled my life. I never imagined that I could be sober. The “Sarah” that I was, the one that everyone knew, was not the real me. I was this drunk, obnoxious, life of the party that everyone loved to be around… until I got angry and mean, then nobody wanted to be around me. Who would I be if I quit drinking? What am I really like? What do I really want to do with my life? I had no idea. I’d been drunk since I was 15 and got arrested at 25, so through those important years that most people figure out who they are and what they want to be, I was drunk. I was always too scared to quit drinking. I was petrified of all the demented thoughts, which I tried to quiet down by drinking, would come back with a vengeance. And they did. Everything I tried to hide from, forget about, and never properly grieved over, came back in full force. It was great because I finally got to feel emotions again, both good and bad. I was numb for so long, so it is wonderful that I could feel!

After 33 days in jail, I finally realized I was ready to get sober and stay sober in the real world. I wasn’t so sure I could do it, but anything was better than jail. I got arrested on November 15, 2011 and I have been sober since November 16, 2011. This November, I will celebrate 3 years of sobriety. Since getting sober, I graduated with my A.A. and received Magna Cum Laude honors. I got accepted to University of South Florida where I am currently working to obtain my B.A. in Psychology. I also got accepted into USF’s Honor’s program where I will be working to develop a thesis and hopefully get published. I recently started working for a great company where I am a Peer Specialist, where I get to use all of my experiences to help others suffering from the same addictions I have conquered. I get to be a glimmer of hope to those who were previously hopeless. I finally know who I am and the kind of person I was always meant to be. For me to get sober I had to change every aspect in my life and I thank God I did, because sobriety definitely is possible!

In the last couple of years I have gone to rehab and gotten sober, (almost 21 months of sobriety so far) grown my pet blogs beyond what I hoped for, and then let my mental health problems drag me down into a big dark pit of hopelessness.

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The reason I am such a strong advocate of chemical modification of the brain of the supplemental/doctor pills/therapy/meditation variety is because when I asked my parents for therapy in 4th grade and to maybe try medication in 9th grade I was refused both times until I fell so deeply into a drug habit that things looked pretty much hopeless for me. Of course, I completely forgot about possibly having some kind of imbalance to treat during that time. Then, when I finally had a full on psychotic break due to powerful stimulants, I got sober. And for the first year, my parents ingrained belief “do not ever try meds or listen to a therapist” went unchecked and mostly unexamined by me.

I even dismissed my buddhist teachers strong suggestion to begin taking GABA, SAMe, and valerian root. I began developing very severe anxiety on the order of full on “I need to go to the hospital” panic attacks 3 times daily and hypochondriacal delusions, coupled with self harming level depression, and of course hypomania and mixed episodes that I was unaware of that caused me to drive 160mph many, many times among other behaviors including racking up a $4000 credit card bill. My doctor attempted to prescribe to me  a highly anxiolytic (anti-anxiety) antidepressant. I did not take it for somehow the idea persisted that medication was evil. It is one of my key regrets that I did not try that. My condition worsened over another 9 months and I developed permanent central nervous sensitization to pain resulting in constant back pain, and fractured the scaphoid bone in my wrist and allowed it to go untreated. My wrist will never function properly again. The constant stress caused my attention span to “plumbert” (plummet), in the words of one brain damaged forum goer I once spoke to.

I eventually decided that the 2 options I had were to get better or to die. I went to the doctor and he gave me a prescription for an SSRI. Due to my pre-existing science knowledge I was able to to spot that I was instantly moving into hypomania due to rapid speech and huge pupils. I went back and was put on something else. The SSRI had already unbalanced me and I was acting in a very problematic way but by the third dose I felt dark storm clouds lifting off of my mind. I was still unstable and cycling, and I went out to the forest with my knife attempting to find and fight a mountain lion one day. I continued to stabilize and these behaviors dissipated over time.

Because I went untreated for 21 years, my bipolar worsened significantly due to something called the kindling theory. Since I had gotten to the point of ultradian rapid cycling, I still cycle even on a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic, all together. And I fall into the category of “treatment resistant bipolar depression in rapid cycling”, something that is very hard to untangle. Even though when I got medicated I instantly stopped smoking pot all day and had a much easier time quitting cigarettes, I still have residual. I lost the job I got when I began to improve because of my untreated broken wrist and now I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s not that I’m in a bad place mentally, I’ve gotten there with it. I’m actually a very happy and for the most part stable person. It’s just strong inertia, almost like I just don’t know what to do with a stable mind and my habits have not caught up.

I am now a strong advocate for treatment of mental illness and it is my passion. You can get better. But you shouldn’t let it get really bad. It sticks to you like a groove worn in your brain.

Four years ago, I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I spoke to my dad – who is also in recovery – about the upcoming anniversary. He wanted to share something someone once told him.

“When you stop drinking, it won’t solve your problems,” he said. “But you’ll be able to know your real problems, and not just the ones you’re creating for yourself.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Four years ago, when I stopped drinking, I knew I had to; if I didn’t I was certain I was going to die.

For nearly a decade, my life had, in many ways, been defined by my tumultuous relationship with alcohol. There were hospitalizations, and rehabilitations; there were relationships ruined, and dreams depleted; there were increasingly frightening – and common – blackouts, and days spent in bed miserably recovering from the night before.

Yet, throughout this, I convinced myself that alcohol was what made me happy; what made my life a little less meaningless. I really believed that the intoxicated version of myself was my true being; the sober person that I left behind felt so sad and deflated, so cautious and needy. I didn’t believe I was truly happy, but I believed that with alcohol, I was the happiest I could possibly be. I was more than willing to accept the side effects that came with that consumption.

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Surviving trauma, tackling symptoms, maintaining sobriety, staying grounded, and finding reasons to smile ……my daily preoccupations. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features, and anxiety disorder. My symptoms have had a negative impact on my life for years, until I went to partial hospitalization for the fourth or fifth time and actually decided to take control of my treatment. I decided that I wanted to stand on symptoms, rather than my symptoms standing on me. With the help of my therapist, a supportive church and personal family, and my DBT skills I am looking at recovery with a smile. I still have bad days, I still have symptoms, but I won’t allow myself to become totally debilitated my the stress of it all. I choose life, I choose health, I choose happiness! I am now a PT Peer Support Specialist in an Mental Health Apartment Program, assisting others in their recovery process. 

A note of inspiration: any domestic violence, rape, or molestation victim: there is hope past the harmful memories, pleasure past the pain, and definite happiness in your future. Just seek help, and believe in yourself. We are in the fight together. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

I’m a 55 years old, married, with no children. I celebrated my 10 years of addiction recovery in June of 2016! Although my family and myself are extremely proud of my successful recovery and the positive changes; such as, returning to college, and starting a new career, I for the past four years, have struggled with episodes of major depression and troubling anxiety. There were some days I could barely get out of bed and get my self together, and it effected many past employments, to the point that I couldn’t hold a job. I began to lose my self esteem, and lost my will to try. I would just hide in my home and do very little. My physician put me on antidepressants and anxiety medications, along with counseling and therapy, which has helped, but not enough that it made a significant difference. I’ve tried many options and alternative forms of treatment. Finally last year, I started exploring a more spiritual alternative, so I researched Yoga and Transendental Meditation. TM is rather expensive and too far a distance from where I reside, so I’m currently taking yoga classes, and I work with mediation app on my tablet, along with daily positive thoughts and affirmations that help with get through every day. I love it! It has helped me so much, and I only wished I would have thought of yoga and meditation when I began my recovery ten years ago! Never give up! Keep focused and research what will work for you to benefit the whole well-being of your health, knowing the body and mind work together.

My name is Eileen.  I am a 60-year-old happily married woman with one daughter and a successful career. I suffered from mental health disorders starting in my early twenties with panic attacks, Pre and Postpartum Depression, followed by on and off moderate depression throughout my thirties, and a major depressive episode at age 41 when I finally hit rock bottom.  I have had good mental health since I was about 43 years old.  I credit this good health to many things; support from family and friends, the right medication, seeing a good therapist, (by good I mean one that fits your needs), taking care of my physical health and yes, faith that the universe basically has my back.  But for me, even with all the resources I had, full recovery was not possible until I accepted two big facts of life.  Fact one, I Cannot Control everything that happens in my life.  Fact two, I am an Imperfect Human Being who happens to be predisposed to mental illness.  The acceptance of these two facts did not happen overnight and so recovery did not happen overnight.  But it did happen.  Recovery will be different for you, but it CAN happen for you too if you PERSEVERE.  You MUST persevere to truly know how wonderful life can be. 

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I am 30 years old and was diagnosed with bulimia over 16 years ago. I come from a family steeped in addiction and have struggled with my own for more than 10 years. I have attended inpatient treatment for my eating disorder and intensive outpatient treatment for my ED & SA. I have made great strides in my recovery (3 years) and as a result experienced positive growth in my personal, educational, and professional lives as well. Yes, I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved (in all aspects of my life), but I still have to take it (life) one day at a time. Each morning I get up and am faced with a decision, “Is today the day that I continue my recovery or let it all go…?” “Am I going to fight for this life in recovery or not?“ 

My name is Carrye and I have struggled with self-harm for over 20 years.  I am a 35 year old wife, mother and career woman. I have not self harmed in almost a year and a half. I have found hope in my situation, love for myself and acceptance that I have a mental illness and that is part of what makes me ‘me’.

I have nothing to be ashamed of and so much to be proud of. I am in recovery and I am not alone. I have been diagnosed with depression, borderline personality disorder, bipolar tendencies, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. I have come so far in my journey with the help of medications, a psychologist and a psychiatrist.

My greatest concern about my recovery at this point is how to educate others on the importance of love and support for those living with mental illnesses. I hope to inspire others to share their stories.  Because of the nature of self-harm, it can be difficult to talk about because of triggers. I never want to say or do anything that could cause anyone to feel the need to harm. I’ve learned that every day that I go without self-harming is a day to be celebrated. And I do celebrate – I count my blessings and all that I have to be thankful for.  

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My depression started in my early teens.  I used to think I needed to learn to be happy as a depressed person.  I thought about suicide and tried to save drugs to do it but the weekend would come along and I would take them.  After I got clean and sober I eventually went on an anti depressant.  It made a big difference but I still had times when the depression came back. Also panic attacks and hypomanic episodes. There’s been a lot of help along the way.  I’m much better today but I know stress can hit me harder than other people.   So, I work at being aware of my moods and pressures. I look for help when I need it.  Let’s keep at it together.