PTSD
*TRIGGER WARNING*
My name is Russell Chapman. I was not in the military but worked for KBR in Iraq and I suffer from PTSD. I need help brother and prayers. I worked in Mosul,Iraq from Oct. 2003 to Nov.2005. On Nov. 21,2004 a suicide bomber snuck in our DEFAC and blew himself up killing 28 people. 4 of those people were civilian contractors just like myself and the rest was military soldiers. You see we were only three tables down from the suicide bomber. I had gotten there late because I had stopped to get calling cards for the military so they could call home at Christmas. I got there to eat with my friends. As I sit down with my meal my friends was already done eating. So I asked them to get us ice cream.
It happened all so fast but I relive that moment in slow motion almost every day and night as I sleep. They got even with the bomber and he stood up and blew himself up. I saw my friends die their heads blown off. Everyone at my table got shrapnel except me. A female soldier just at that moment walked between me and the bomber catching a ball bearing to her arm which took it off at her elbow. I can still hear her crying and screaming oh God help me. I grabbed her and took my belt off to put a tourniquet to stop the bleeding while yelling and crying for a medic.
As I looked around I saw my friends crying and screaming and bleeding. A medic came running up yo me asking me if I was OK all I could say is take her take her…. The medic replied check yourself son I am coming right back. I looked down and there was blood all over my what use to be white T shirt was stained red. I took it off checking to see if I had any holes in me. I was OK , the medic came back and said for me to leave the area. As I was leaving I seen a soldier trying to get up on his knees holding his head. I was trying to help him up and the medic was yelling let him go son he is gone. As I looked down the man was missing part of his head and brain. I left the area and don’t remember driving back to my trailer. I remember taking my cloths off and putting them in a trash bag, and going to the shower and scrubbing trying to get the blood and matter off my skin. I was over 63 turks and 4 US civilians . one of those men who died was Allen Smith great guy. I personally was over 7 turks which came to my house knocking on my trailer door. I got out of the shower and remember seeing Kardeer, Ahmaud, cheetan, and metahan. They said Mr. Russell you OK. I remember all I could do is shake my head no and sit down on my bed and started crying. Kardeer was a older man and console me like a father would console his son he hugged me and said Mr. Russell everything will be OK.
There has not been one night I dont go without reliving this in my nightmares.
I do believe God has a purpose for me . I just know I can’t handle this anymore. I truly want to die sometimes. I have survivors guilt and I wish God would come back so I don’t have to suffer this anymore. 11 years of this is enough. I don’t have any purpose in my life anymore, I feel useless, I can’t do things I use to enjoy like hunting or even go to wal mart. I sometimes feel have no purpose.
