Looking back i was about 12 when i first started to notice something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t everyday but i started to have a lack of motivation, a lack of motivation to go to school, to eat, to talk to people and sometimes to even get out of bed.

Slowly over 2 years i went up and down but once i hit 14 things only got worse. I didn’t understand why but just functioning like i used to wasn’t even possible. I would rock up to school and make my way around somehow but once i got home i could barely remember a single thing i’d done.I was somehow getting myself through exams. sports matches and some kind of social life.

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If someone looks at me they will say I have a perfect life. Maybe people will judge me here too when they read my story. I have a family who loves me and I have resources and treatment support.
I have had depression maybe my whole life but it really surfaced about 8 years ago due to a major traumatic event in my life.
I now feel numb, hopeless, no energy or motivation .Taking all these medications have made me unfeeling and apathetic. I feel I will never get better and this is just the way I am. Most of the people and their conversations are fake. I don’t feel connected to my nuclear family and this makes me feel guilty.I just feel drained of energy. The only thing which gives me some hope are my three children. My two daughters also take medication for depression and anxiety and I feel it’s my fault I don’t know what else to say. I even feel drained writing this down. All my life I have been conditioned to hide my feelings and keep secrets so writing this has been a first big step.
Mental illness is a stigma and people don’t want to talk about it. Even if you talk about it they avoid it. My brother and sister don’t understand and there is judgement esp about taking meds. So I have stopped talking about it.
I have one friend I can talk to and I consider that a blessing.

Is It the Medicine or Me?

The social isolation
The anger without causation
The absent motivation
The standstill stagnation
The fear-based creations
The same state vacations
The lack of blood circulation
The food appreciation
The social isolation
The negative thought infiltration
The “why can’t I be normal?” frustration
The weight fluctuation
The random mood deflation
The made-up word creations

I have been struggling with mental illness from a young age. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, ocd, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, psychogenic seizures, and a learning disability. I also am I recovering addict. I would like to spread my story to those in need to show them that the darkness does fade as long as you have the strength to flip the light. The goal is to inspire everyone but if that is not possible I aim to touch at least one person.

Hi there all I’m Z. and I don’t know what is wrong with me.  I am 18 and I’m in my 2nd set of classes at my technical college.  I have an issue that makes me lose my motivation to keep going.  As a result I failed my English class because I lacked the drive to do my homework.  This is not new to me because I had the same issue in high school.  I had never been able to get it through my head that I need to do this.  I don’t know why.  Once it hits me that my grades are in trouble I get the ball rolling really well.  But as time goes on my ball loses speed again and the cycle continues.  I always say I understand and will do more but it feels only temporary.  The work is never that hard so I avoid it. I guess i just think of it as not necessary. That’s obviously not the case.  So I don’t know what I should do.  I know it’s my own fault but is there something wrong with me where I can’t get the message.  I don’t know.  If i was a ball my energy would be excitement and terror.  I’m rolling on a flat surface, no incline ,no slope and eventually my ball stops until the grade smacks me with enough energy to keep going.  until it slows down again.  I’m not sure if anyone can help with this.  Or put a label on what’s wrong.  I know i have ADD, and ADHD and i take meds for that.  But they can only do so much. So Thank you to anyone who reads this.

So here’s a little insight about myself that no one expects, nor would’ve known. I’ve been fighting with anxiety and depression since I was about 4-5 years old (dating back to my first anxiety attack that I can remember), to be quite frank it’s

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I have MDD along with Anxiety and bipolar. I have no motivation. Most days I can’t get out of bed and only go out when I am completely out of groceries. But my biggest problem is the mere thought of getting in the shower is exhausting and paralyzing for me. I can go weeks not able to get in the shower. It’s embarrassing and disgusting. But I physically cannot do it. I realize it only takes 15 minutes and I’d feel so much better after but I still can’t do it. Do others have this same issue or is it just me?

I am currently stable and in school for psychology.  I chose to take my medicine to stay well.  I have a bad memory and  low motivation.  I have gained a lot of weight on medicine and it is hard to lose.  I sleep too many hours a day from 8 pm to 10 am.  I usually went off medicine when I was feeling better, when a commitment was over and when I got paranoid of the medicine.  I have been struggling with this illness for 12 years, not believing I needed the medicine.  I had trouble distingushing real for unreal thoughts.  I believed everything was real even my delusions.  I was so into my daydreams of reality that I kept to myself, that I could made some bad choices.  One episode I drove to Alabama believing MN was going to blow up but that I had disabled the bombs.  I only had 250 dollars on me and slept on the side of the road.  I believed my real family was turned into black people in a church in Alabama.  I made it to Alabama but on my way home every time I drove North I winded up going South.  Finally I stopped at a hotel and was rescued.  I almost wound up in the psych ward in Kansas as I confronted a worker at the hotel of what I thought I heard.  But the ambulance people let me go when they knew someone was coming for me. That was my last episode before I went into a psych ward and was committed.  I now chose to stay on medicine.  I know it is not good to be alone for me and glad I have a boyfriend that accepts me and the illness.  It is hard to find a job and I am on disability.  I think because you say you are disabled the company will not look at you as a person and you will not get the job.  I am going to school in psychology one to learn about myself and how to help others.  I plan to become a peer support specialist and go through a two week training too.  

Depression
Waking up early, but not wanting to get out of bed.
No motivation, what’s wrong with my head?
I don’t want to get ready.
I’m not going out.
Sometimes I just want to sleep to all day.
I have nothing to look forward to anyway.
I feel worthless and have fatigue every day
Just waiting for the right medication to help me not feel this way
It’s frustrating trying so many meds, finding the right one
Hopefully this med will work, withdrawal will end and this will be done
Others who are ignorant will say it’s all in your head
They say you just want attention, instead
Sometimes you look to food when feeling sad
Now I’m upset hardly anything fits that I’ve had.
There is help, I won’t give up.
I encourage everyone to do the same, keep your chin up.

Psychiatric RN

Hello, my name Daniel and I struggle with Schizophrenia. It really all started with me being to scared to get near under my bed, in which I would jump to my bed from as far from my bed as I could, occasionally making me hit my arm or knee of the bed frame. Next, I’d look up to a figure staring at me or going to another room and someone is staring at something. Finally, the delusions were the worst part. I’d think if the full moon was full, I would be unsafe, I thought my limbs were turning purple or that someone was after me. My friends would tell me nobody is where I’m saying one of my hallucinations would be or would say that the moon or something would hurt me. I didn’t believe I had Schizophrenia or any other mental illness but finally, I believed my friends after the first psychotic episode. I was stressed over school and decided to go on a walk and sit down for a while. I constantly got worried someone was behind me and would look behind me often. Finally, i looked behind me and a figure was staring at me and started walking towards me. I kept saying, ”Please leave me alone,” or “Please dont hurt me.”

Anyway, now I’m with friends that help me through it and understand.