I’ve always aimed for perfection and that seemed an admirable trait until it landed me in a Minnesota hospital detox facility in the early hours of the morning. I describe my “mental health awakening” in three parts: loss, disconnect, and break.

Loss - My first depressive episode occurred after the end of my athletic career. No, I was not a professional or Olympian, but I was a life-long athlete. My identity was tied to my body and my ability. I don’t remember how or when it hit, but I do very clearly remember the swelling in my joints, the misplaced anger and eventually the suicidal ideations. Luckily enough for me, I was in an environment with easy access to therapists and soon landed on my first anti-depressant. 

Disconnect - Remember that perfectionist thing - yeah, that one really hit me hard. I was in my junior year of undergrad, pushing myself to the limit. One evening I was in a small get together with friends. There was just enough alcohol (hospital reported I was well below the legal limit, somewhere around .05) to induce a non-epileptic seizure or an acute stress reaction. I was violently convulsing on the dorm floor (essentially concrete) until my friends were so concerned that they called 911. I don’t remember much after that. The EMTs were not the friendliest, assuming I was just a drunk, high or whatever college kid. My recover from that was physically and emotionally painful and I never received support after getting picked up from the hospital. 

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I was date raped my freshman year of college by my friend’s roommate, “Todd” (not his name). I did nothing about it. I didn’t have to see him because he was older and didn’t go to my school. I just tried to put it behind me. I was very active on campus; performing opera, singing in choir, and representing our school’s LGBTQ group in the Student Government Association. I was a resident assistant my sophomore year, responsible for forty-four women on my dormitory floor. I worked as a nude model for campus art classes, lifeguarded at the campus pool and waited tables nearby. 

During my junior year of college, I became very depressed and withdrawn for the first time in my life. It was a struggle just to attend class, and I was a Speech Pathology major/Spanish minor. I started an antidepressant and managed to keep up my grades. My mood improved, I fell in love and got engaged.

My senior year of college, three years after my rape, “Todd” began to attend my very large state university. Of all the buildings on campus, he ended up in mine. I had to see him. On the stairs, in the computer lab; every time I saw “Todd” it both frightened and enraged me. He never looked at me, and I avoided him. One sunny day in March, (my last semester of school), we physically ran into each other in the parking lot in front of our building. I remember “Todd” dropped his keys, and I immediately began to hit and kick him while yelling, “You raped me!” over and over. 

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I was a member in Lansing MI. I was trained in IOOV, and P2P.
I have been to many organizations to share my story. It’s been quite a journey.
I believe when you have to fight for your life to stay alive, when you suffer from Major Depression, and anxiety disorder, the primary goal is to encourage the people suffering,and to help break the stigma with how we victoriously came out from standing after we fought to get out of that deep, dark tunnel, and use our skills, and how it happened.
Help me share with others I didn’t ask for it, It isn’t my fault, and I didn’t want it. A story of true inspiration, and a determination to stand, and be heard

It’s going to be okay. I know life can get hard but you are strong enough to get through it. Believe in yourself. You have come this far. Don’t dwell on the past or mistakes that have been made. Don’t worry yourself with the opinions of others who may put you down. You are your own beautiful person filled with the potential to accomplish all of your dreams. So do what makes you happy: read, sing, dance, run, draw! Remember the beautiful moments and know that there are more to come! Stay strong!