Hello, my name is Jordan and I grew up on a small island in New England. I am currently 25 years old, and I am Mom to two little humans. I grew up playing piano, singing, dancing, and lots of other stuff. In my adult years I have found an interest in computers, other cultures around the world, and Mob Psycho 100 (it’s an anime). Like most people who use three sentences to describe themselves, this only peeks at who I am.

At the age of 24, after years of trying and failing to successfully address my mental health, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II. At age 18, I attempted suicide and shortly after that I met my husband, and he was by my side through my recovery. Our relationship was so many different things, and provided so many different lessons and adventures. We supported one another for seven years, together we have created two children, and eventually we decided to get married. My illness played a large part in our relationship, and his life trauma and mental health struggles played an equal hand. Neither of us knew how to handle that part of life. 

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Growing up, the only memories I have are of fear. Gut wrenching, stomach turning, anxiety. There is no memory that is not tainted with anxiety’s grasp. I have never not had anxiety. Even as a baby, my mother recounted the night terrors my brother and I would experience each night as a young baby. I have never known anything but the fear, the doubt, the intrusive thoughts, and the desire to please. It is ingrained in me so deeply to a genetic level, that I can never rid myself of it. However I can change it, but first, let me tell you what got me to the place I’m in today.

My father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Reactive Attachment Disorder. As little children, my brother and I learned to tiptoe around him. We feared him and his moods. He emotionally abused us, and I am scarred to this day because of it. One time, my mom left for a two day trip with her friends and we were locked in our rooms for hours without food and water, because we were “bothering” him. My mom never left us again after that.

Adding to the fact that mental illness runs in my family, this start to life was a set up for failure. When my mother divorced my father soon after, she took my brother and I to another state when I was 7 years old. We both started new schools and a new life essentially. The only people we knew were my cousins living there. There began another problem.

Initially my cousins were great to be around, but as I grew older, the cousin my age began to bully me. I was mercilessly teased and demoralized for years, unable to stand up for myself, but wanting to. This was during the time that I was in late elementary school/middle school. My brother and I were having to visit our dad due to court guidelines. My anxiety was getting bad. It was so bad at this point that I threw up each night before going to bed, because I didn’t want to face the next day and was worried about being able to sleep.

I was able to hold on for about two more years until I graduated from eighth grade and my brother finished high school. As a family, we decided to move to a different city. Where we were had so many bad memories and we wanted to get away from my cousins. We moved that summer and I started high school. I was a complete mess. There was not a time that I can remember where I was not panicking. Panicking about remembering my locker combination, getting to class on time, getting good grades, etc. The anxiety got so bad that I went to an inpatient behavioral health unit. After my one week stay, I never went back to that school.

Anxiety now officially ruled my life. I had tipped the scale and there was no going back. I spent so much time those days just crying in my closet or laying on my bed praying to die. My schooling was transferred online version and I was so isolated because I could not handle going out. Well, if it could get any worse, I started to get very sick. Things doctors could not figure out. I went from hospital stay to hospital stay, getting test after test, with no answers. I had become chronically ill. You can only imagine what this did to my anxiety and depression.

As I now began to battle my physical health, I had to battle my mental health right alongside it. I went on to complete three more inpatient behavioral health stays, each worse than the last. My brother was killed in a car accident in the middle of all of this, pushing back all progress I had made in therapy. That completely crushed me as well as losing 3 dogs in the span of two years around the time of his death. 

Where am I now? I am doing good. I have gone to therapy for years, have finally found a medicine cocktail that works for me, and am finding answers for my physical health. It took my sheer will to want to be better and the persistence of my psychiatrists to get to this point. I now choose to speak out about my experiences and to encourage others in the hope that no one would have to go through what I did. What have I learned? It takes time and a lot of it to get to the place where I am now, but it is completely possible. My anxiety is not gone. I still fight it on a daily basis, but now I actually know how to.

 I got arrested and I went to prison for 2.3 years. But on the very first day I went to prison I got this weird thought process by he end of the night. It was like intrusive thoughts but it KEPT going non-stop. It was like a stream of consciousness that I didn’t agree on. The thoughts are not voices but Thoughts. I would unwantingly think negative , fatalistic thoughts like “you’ll do this and this person will hit you and so on.” It goes away after I sleep and with stress I  get Itsit back nfor the rest of the day. It’s been almost 3 years with this ‘snapping’ or ‘zone’. Its gotten alot better like 3 times a month. But I HAVE to meditate for hours in my head to prevent it. Games trigger it. I’ve had it with this illnes. So I ask for HELP. Zyprexa 10my at night and ability 10 mg help me daily. It feels like derealization but I have this set of thoughts and unlike dissociative identity disorder I have my sense of self but with these thoughts of a mad person

One of the biggest struggle of healing from sexual abuse are intrusive thoughts of looking back and wonder if experiences that had gone wrong and added a whole lot of regrets, sadness, self hatred, etc, would have been avoided. Those you’ve hurt and lose because your behaviors were messed up based on effects of sexual abuse. It’s part of a long process to forgive yourself from what you have done. Can’t say it wasn’t my fault, because you really did hurt people. It drives one crazy trying to figure out if it would have been different. Some may say to learn from it and move on. It’s not that simple when again, unwanted thoughts are stuck in the head and heart.  Nevertheless, don’t quit the process of healing.  There will be better days. 

What does it mean?
I’ve never been so paralyzed.
Thanks to my inability to sleep,
Being imprisoned by intrusive thoughts.

What does it mean?
These constant worries run through my head,
I have difficulty concentrating.
What were you saying?

What does it mean?
Why am I worrying about running late,
When it’s only seven forty-eight.
This uncertainty is killing me.

You call it worrying,
But to me, it’s debilitating anxiety that eats me away gradually.
All you hear is dead silence,
But I can’t seem to catch words coming out of your mouth,
As the screaming in my head drowns you out.

-Sally Bitar

My journey with Bi-polar started when I was 12…and now I’m 36 and after a 6th hospitalization after an episode that almost cost me my life, I have finally accepted the truth of the diagnosis. Years of hearing “if you just get it together and push through” and “if you just pray hard enough” did not stop the horrid intrusive thoughts of suicide and the attempts, the self-destructive cutting, burning, slicing and the deep, dark, back, hellish depressions that plagued me constantly. I lived through each bout of them, often months at a time, long enough to enjoy the beginning of my manias until they got so out of hand that I spent everything I had and ended up in incredible debt that led to the depressive cycles all over again. The mania also led to impulsive behaviors that put me in situations that led to rape, horrible anxiety, nightmares and a diagnosis of PTSD on top of it. I also suffered for years from social anxiety trying to hide everything and intense embarrassment, pain, blaming, guilt and social isolation. When I am sick, I have become paranoid, delusional, dissociative and suicidal. I have lost several jobs, friends, relationships and moved from place to place, never finding a sense of settling down or peace. I have finally come to realize that it is up to me to take control of my life, to find the support that I need and to realize I cannot depend on anyone to “fix” my life for me. I have managed to crawl into the office of a great Psychiatrist, take medication the way I need to and realize that everyday I must push through to do the things I need to do to stabilize. I still have rough days but I am learning that I am not alone and I have, finally HOPE. It is the hope of each new day and a new life, filled with the idea that it will NOT be in the future as it was in the past, is what keeps me going. My recent breakdown has been the greatest breakthrough of my life!

My daughter has struggled with mental illness from a very young age.I am heartbroken by the fact that I have no control over her illness or the ability to stop it from hurting her.She is 16 yrs. old now and her life has been a constant battle with destructive and intrusive thoughts that haunt her sometimes all night.She is taking numerous medications which do help some but do not suppress the symptoms totally.Being a single mom has made the fight even harder as there are little or no resources or financial support for people suffering these devastating illnesses.With the passing of my mom,her grandma Sara’s symptoms increased as did her meds. My mom was the only person whom Sara felt comfortable around and her death was very hard for her. Others in the family tend to shun us because of her illness.Not only are family members judgemental of her illness they also don’t really accept her which is heartbreaking to see.I think it is time for people maybe to wake up and realize that mental illness is real and that the children and adults that suffer with it deserve the same respect as everyone else in this world.After all we are not all perfect and those who think they are have a lot to learn about the many different types of mental illnesses that exists.Maybe then they could be more excepting of people who suffer through such illnesses. Thank You

I have had a major depressive disorder for over 15 years now. My thoughts move at the speed of light so I have trouble communicating sometimes. I’m in talk therapy and working through all the anger I have from years of trying to fit in with the rest of the population. CBT therapy has also helped with unhelpful intrusive thoughts and negative thoughts. NAMI-peer-to-peer also helped me connect with other people with similar stories. Mental vulnerabilities are real and people are speaking up about them now. You are not alone! #itgetsbetter