Ups and Downs

I have bipolar disorder with psychosis. It is controlled by medication, but what a lot of medication! Although I have been ill for almost twelve years I was only diagnosed as bipolar two months ago. I feel that many labels have defined my problems including posttraumatic stress disorder, postpartum depression and psychotic episodes. I often wonder if the label changes anything about the suffering.

Recently I have wondered about the psychosis. Here is a little of what it was like:

I am elated and the world is a wonderful place to be. There is a sense of magic in everything and I am at the heart of it. Places to go, people to see and decisions to be made. What clothes to wear and why? I create my own clothes with golden material and feel like an angel going about town. I am interpreting events, yes, I am busy. I am taking notes and have even quit my job. Suddenly my family seem alien to me, they look at me strangely now and wonder about me getting a job. I have left my husband and he is waiting for me to return. I feel rushes of emotion which I cannot control - I rip up paintings I have made and stamp on CD’s smashing them to pieces. No one can keep up with my pace…but then there is a knock at the door. My parents called the authorities and I am going to hospital.

Hospital felt safe in one way and yet only I knew there was no reason for me to be there (but really there was). When the staff took me off anti-depressants and placed me on anti-psychotics I became dulled down, slow and felt empty inside. I exited the hospital like a zombie trying really hard to smile.

I took the medication for a couple of months then stopped. I feel strange like a shadow, there but not quite there. I don’t know it but I am suffering a psychotic depression which will eventually lead to my suicide attempt. This was no cry for help - on the days leading up to it I could hear voices mocking me and everything seemed to be dark.men I survived…and am here to tell my story.

My recovery has been slow and I am having some trouble accepting this horrendous illness but I am trying to. Now I can focus on my family. My husband and I got divorced and I have the children full time. I may go back to work soon thanks to some volunteering which has prepared me. I am not ‘all better’, just better than I was.

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