I have suffered from depression my whole life and sometimes I feel as if I am becoming it, as if it is taking over me. With my depression, I often feel out of control and alone even though I am surrounded by people that Iove me. That is the thing that depression can do, it can make you feel like those your closet to are strangers.
I separate myself from others and isolate myself when I am down. I try to be social, I try to be myself. But sometimes it takes over and I become the victim. Victim is a word I hear a lot. Don’t be a victim. They say that but it is hard not to be. I feel like I hate my depression and in some weird way have also accepted it. What I mean is that it allows me to stay in this separated bubble, where I don’t have to face what I fear most. But I always do have to face those fears eventually.
So sometimes I think of my self as two separate people the one who is depressed and the one who is the true me. Some days the two are muddled and some days I feel happy. What I want to say through, is that depression is sometimes in control of my life, and has shown me what feeling out of control is like. I am still learning how to deal with it, and how to gain control. I don’t think that, that journey will ever end. But I am learning, and everyone with depression and mental illnesses are learning. And one thing that I have definitely learned is that I am not by any means alone.
Family may feel distant sometimes, and I may sometimes feel like I don’t know myself. I may feel empty and lost. I may feel like everything is in pieces, and I am scrambling to glue things back together. But there are days like this where I am gaining control, and finding my voice through words.
