June 3, 2014

Thank you for your interest in my recovery story. I have been in mental health treatment for the past thirty-three years. It began at age eight when I was sexually molested by a close relative. I did not tell anyone out of shame and guilt for ten years. I became anorexic immediately following the assault, which turned into bulimia, severe depression and anxiety through my teenage years. My parents would not allow hospitalization or medication because of their ignorance and the stigma involved. Suicide was constantly on my mind. My parents did allow for weekly psychotherapy treatments.

At seventeen, I suffered a major mental breakdown and was limited in my high school attendance. I disclosed facts about the abuse during therapy, but no charges were filed, once again due to the perceived stigma. At eighteen, I took myself to the psychiatrist and received my first prescription for an anti-depressant. Lack of effectiveness and side effects caused me to spend the next fifteen years trying different medicine combinations.

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Hello,

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 20. Im now 35 and in recovery, using meditation, exercise, health food, prescription medications, and continuous learning about mental illness to stay well, and not forget about the suffering I went through, but to use the experience to empower myself and others to end stigma. I was wrongly diagnosed with depression and anxiety, when they were comorbid symptoms to the ADD I had no idea I was truly suffering from. Today I’m on all the correct medications, feeling the way I did at age 19, and I’m turning my passion for teaching, speaking, and supporting NAMI, by being an advocate for a living. It’s so fulfilling, to be rewarded daily, when I speak to schools, my support group, and online. I suggest this as a form of therapy to anyone who has a voice with an important message to spread. Being part of something so big is the best medicine I’ve come to know! 

The idea of having a Bipolar Disorder stung me for a long time. When I’m feeling down, sometimes I feel the pressures of the stigma revolving around my mental illness. I always felt like there was a “normal” Valerie or a status quo that I had to

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            My name is Jennifer and I am a recovered mental illness survivor—

            I have endured severe mental illness for over half my life.  During that time, I suffered from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

            Due to the depression, my behaviors ranged from excessive crying to excessive sleeping to suicide attempts.  I felt feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.  All I thought I wanted to do was die.   But in fact, what I really wanted was help with overcoming my severe sadness.

            During my manic states, I endured impulsive, spontaneous, and irresponsible behaviors.  I felt on top of world.  I felt excessive amounts of energy.  I had racing thoughts.  I had delusions of grandeur.  I’ll be honest.  It felt great to be so high, but it is also very dangerous.  Risky behaviors can lead to much endangerment of self and others.

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Hello.  We all can live a great, purposeful life managing Bipolar Condition or any mental health situations. 

The social stigma of mental illness used to bother me to no end…and contribute to my problems!  I’m over that now, but I prefer to call it Bipolar Condition vs. “Disorder”.  I also prefer to discuss Mental Health vs. “Illness”.

My story in general: 

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I was recently at a dinner with two friends, when we began discussing mental illness and mental health treatment.

All three of us have openly had periods of struggle with both depression and anxiety, but we all had very different takes on treatment, particularly in regards to antidepressants.

“I wouldn’t go on them,” said the first friend.

“I would go on them, but just until I feel better,” said the second.

My take was the opposite: I have been taking antidepressants on and off my entire life, and since deciding to take them consistently nearly three years ago, my life has turned around. I plan to be on them forever.

Conversations like this are not uncommon. When it comes to mental health issues, opinions are often polarized and strongly held.

I understand that antidepressants are not for everyone; many people are fortunate in not suffering from mental illness, and even many of those who do would prefer to have medication be their last resort.

For me, medication is a part of a more comprehensive treatment plan to avoid falling back into the throes of the major depression that I know always lingers beneath the surface of my delicately balanced equilibrium.

I remember what it feels like to be unwell.

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May is Mental Illness Awareness Month.  Each year it brings up memories that I have tried to forget for over 40 years.  This year I am tearing down the walls I’ve built around my mental illness memories and cycles of suffering.  This year I am being vulnerable and engaging in a conversation about the shame and stigma around mental illness by sharing my personal story with you. 

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My name is Abbey and mental illness is something that I’ve struggled with for years. I’ve been diagnosed with several mental illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder and Bipolar II. I’ve found peace and comfort from sharing my story through writing blogs and poetry, and sharing my story on social media sites. My goal in life is to inspore someone, anyone, and let them know that they are not alone in their struggles and that I want to support anyone in need of support and to be a mentor and someone others can look to for guidance. Even though I  still struggle greatly, I find hope and comfort from sharing my story. I hope that I can be a light in someone else’s life and be there for someone in the same way others have been for me. Support from friends and family that I can relate to truly has saved my life and made me feel safe when talking about my struggles, and I would love to pass down my personal struggles to help guide others through their struggles as well.

The reason I want to share my story is because I want to bring awareness to mental health and stop the stigmas. I want to promote positive outlooks for moms with mental illness. Not everyone is going to be the same just because they have the same diagnosis. And a diagnosis does not define someone.

I have been affected by mental health personally since my teenage years. I recently have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. When I read about BPD I thought it sounded pretty accurate and it was nice to feel like I new one of the answers as to why I was struggling. The parts of BPD that hit home the most with me were the criteria of the diagnosis stating that those with BPD have a hard time regulating emotions and also that they can struggle with finding purpose.

As a mom it makes me sad to realize I worry so much about purpose or think so much about what my purpose is, what my meaning is. Why can’t I feel like being a mom is enough meaning? Why isn’t being a good wife is enough purpose? The ruminating obsession with questioning what I should be doing and why constantly flows through my head.

During my recent hospitalization followed by an outpatient program I was dealing with multiple areas of mental illness. I’m also diagnosed with generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder. I was 6 months postpartum, a stay at home mom with my baby and her sister, my other daughter, who is 2. At the time I started to experience postpartum depression as well.

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I used to stand glaring into Stigma’s Window, sucked and trapped into the view. All those myths about mental health, wrapped around me and written into my mind’s chalkboard. Just recently, that handwritten scribble of beliefs was finally erased. This is when that chalkboard became blank once again, starting fresh - no longer standing outside of Stigma’s Window, only after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, anxiety and social anxiety.

My history is long and from going from my memories to written down in my book of history - a history of mood swings, stress, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, poor eating habits and a habit disorder. Although Stigma’s Window is the view for many in the world, intersecting with Stigma Road, I have finally stepped away from its view after my recent experience.

Ashamed and made guilty by my diagnosis and bad habits, I felt like I hit the bottom of a valley - and I sunk deeper when confronted. Confronted harshly and sternly by an individual - questioning lies I told while manic along with other signs of mania, though not known at the confrontation, and interpersonal struggles - was the day I got stuck at the bottom of the valley and felt like I was sinking into quicksand with no way out. My expression and nervous system was frozen as tears that I trapped, pushed back too far for too long, finally raced down my cheeks.

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