I am a 34 year old bipolar woman that has been living with bipolar for 20 years. This painting is part of a mental health series, and is titled “Noise”. Hope it speaks for itself.
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My Battle
I suffered from mental disorders for as long as I can remember. I am diagnosed with ADD, OCD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and a hormonal disorder. My panic attacks started in 1st grade. I still remember waking up or laying in bed at night then screaming in fear. I felt as if death was staring at me and going to take me, the though rushing through my head “I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I should just end it now get it over with.” Over and over again. It lasted for years all through our the rest of elementary school I had them basically every night. I developed a sleep phobia because it always happened at bed time. In 7th grade my depression hit…cutting suicidal thoughts and a few attempts.
It lasted till 10th grade, my improvement happened in 9th after a sorta suicide attempt. It was that I wanted to die but I didn’t care if I did, I knew that if I took to many pills something would happen and that point that was all I wanted. I lived my day to day life with no emotion drained of all energy. At home I layed on my bed not moving and no energy to even blink some times. I saw the point in nothing, I would cut because it told me I was alive and I was able to feel something which is all I wanted. I admit I was scared to get better I forgot what happiness felt like so it scared it. Happiness had become the unknown depression was my blanket.
Life Long
Everyone struggles with something in life. Some struggle for brief periods of time and some struggle every day. I belong to the some who struggle every day. Since I was 5 years old I have constantly struggled with mental illness. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, ADD, ADHD, PTSD, and attention deficit Disorder. My dad, step mother, and Step Father physically abused me for most of my life because they didn’t understand what I was going through and my Mother was the only person in my life to try to help me through everything I was dealing with. Unfortunately I did not trust anyone around me due to how I was treated at home and because I was constantly bullied at school because I was different. Eventually the abuse I was facing at my step fathers house led to me going into a state of shock and I tried to hurt my mother because I was so out of it and thought she was my step father. I was 15 at this point and was detained.
Lydia’s Justice#1
So I live with my own mental health issues.
But I have an issue when a group of people bully and harass an individual who struggles more. Lydia is 30 years old and suffers from Complex PTSD. Is Autistic, Bipolar with Anxiety and has Triggers and Panic Attacks. The bullies targeted her for nothing but cause drama. They never met her nor she them. They drove her to a suicide attempt but I am glad I could do an intervention on that attempt. No one was arrested because only Lydia saw them and in pictures or video of the incident. So she is getting stabilized and I hope that these bullies are brought to justice and thrown out of this RV park so Lydia can feel secure and gain some independence.
Someone tell me where I can begin. Please!
My Attempt at Surviving Bipolar Disorder and Other Mental Health Issues
On September 9rd 2003, my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I . (Bipolar II is mostly depression with some manic episodes. Bipolar I is full blown mania with little depression.
My doctor described my diagnosis to me in this way: I’m a 78 RPM person trying to function in a 33 1/3 world. For you baby boomers, you’ll know what I mean. If you’re younger than a baby boomer and don’t understand the analogy, ask your parents to explain it to you.
When I’m manic, I’m like the energizer bunny. Always going. Creating something. Wanting something.
Right after I got diagnosed, I jumped into crafts and started making these little wooden window seats.
I didn’t create one or two, or a few. I created dozens. And dozens. And boxes full. I obsessed over getting every single wooden window seat in the Tampa area so I could make something out of it. Then I wanted a puppy. (Thank goodness my husband saw fit to tell me no at that time) Then I jumped into soap making. I made pounds and pounds of soap. (All of this is in less than a week.)
A Cautionary Tale About Psychotropics, the Industry, and How They Can Worsen Mental Illness
I first began to experience symptoms of bipolar disorder in my early teens. i was put on Lithium while in a hospital and right away the almost catatonic depression I was in began to ease. From there on in, it seemed medication would be the answer to everything that was wrong with me. For years i was on every depression medication available, tricyclics, MAO inhibitors–when one stopped working, I was simply put on something else. Then things got better and I needed no medication through my twenties. i still struggled with lows, but there were no suicide attempts, I was able to live and love, to work and, for the most part, even enjoy life. Then, at the age of 29 I had a manic episode and my medication nightmare began.
Bipolar Disorder: From Tot to Grandmother
This is an overview of my life from when my Mental Illnesses first showed up til now. It has spanned my whole life.
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My name is Tessa and I was born back in the mid 1950’s. Mental illness was not talked about then. Shhh, mommy had an aunt commit suicide many years ago. Shhhh, daddy has depression and alcholism. Shhh girl don’t talk about what you feel like or ask what is wrong with you. WE don’t talk about that. Don’t you understand?
I was a small child and something was definitely wrong with me. My mom gave me tranquilizers as a baby to keep food in my stomach. I didn’t sleep all night. Whenever life went wrong mom was there with a tiny pill to calm me down.
When I was around seven or eight years old I spent everyday getting yelled at for not going to sleep at night. I told them I wasn’t tired. I could NOT sleep. I didn’t need it. This would go on for months and then I would be depressed and not want to get up. I just wanted to be left alone with a book, but no, we had to fight over it and in the end I was shoved out the door and told not to come back until I was called. I was terrified to be out there.
I have been affected by mental illness since the age of 15. You see, that is when I was first diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression. I am now going on 43. Through the years I have been diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar Disorder. It has been a long road. It hasn’t been easy. There are days that I want to give up. But my message for you is this:
YOU CAN DO IT!
YOU can live a life with a mental illness. YOU CAN have a family. YOU CAN have friends. YOU CAN have children if you choose. YOU CAN have a successful career. YOU CAN have a successful LIFE!
It won’t come easy. Even people who don’t have a mental illness have it rough at times. But it is possible. It might take a little more work, but if you are determined, you can make things happen!
Bipolar disorder has made my life interesting for sure. And I am not ashamed that I am still trying to find my way in the world. But I am doing it. I am living life, one day at a time. I am dealing with my moods and managing my illness with medication. Not many people understand, but if you talk about it [your illness], and explain it in a way people will understand, we can break the stigma that surrounds Mental Illness.
You Are Not Alone
My name is Bek. I am a 34-year-old mother who has PTSD and postpartum depression, as well as unspecified bipolar disorder. For the first time in my life I actually feel somewhat stumped when it comes to writing about my mental illness and the road of recovery. I started attending NAMI meetings as part of an outpatient program, which was proceeded by my first ever manic episode and my bipolar diagnosis.
Depression has been a part of my life since puberty and high anxiety layered itself on top of that. Sharing my story with others has been part of my overall healing and I hope by writing this that someone out there feels less alone. The episodes are real, the panic is real, the mental strain and trauma is real. You get the picture.
I feel like my emotions have always overwhelmed me, struggling to “get out of my own mind” and did not actively seek any mental help until my mid twenties. I initially sought out cognitive behavioral therapy which was something very foreign to me. Change your habits, change your thoughts, feel better, right? It allowed me to move through some of the issues that had grown deep roots in my psyche and medication was prescribed to work in combination with the therapy. I didn’t really care what I put in my body. I felt like I was in permanent survival mode but at least I was taking steps to “feel better.” I survived. I also self-medicated with marijuana, which seemed to help keep mania at bay and in general made me feel like I could handle life better.
A Battle Within My Mind
I have struggled a majority of my life with mental illness. I have been diagnosed with the following: depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, severe generalized anxiety disorder, postpartum depression, and bipolar disorder. I stand my ground with my battles as they are constantly attacking me, but I am still here. If you or someone needs help, please do not be afraid! I have fought hard to find the right doctors and the right cocktail, do not ever give up! We are all In this battle together, nobody is alone. With love from a battler of this mental madness.
Coming out with Mental Health Issues – Career Suicide?
Coming out in the traditional sense of being Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, etc., in the work place has its own set of fears and potential consequences. Coming out that you have a Mental Health challenge, such as major depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, or other challenge is equally accompanied with a host of fear because of many deep rooted stigmas. Regardless of the current laws and ordinances against discrimination in the workplace any of us who have been around the block a few times know that it is all too real for many of us. The lived experiences of coming out, in many cases can be disastrous, loss of professional status, promotions, loss of jobs, livelihood, housing, relationships, family, leading to more stress and exacerbating existing mental conditions. Other stigmas may also play a factor and further compound the pile on effect, kick them when they are down, crowd mentality.