My Summer Abroad

In march of 2010 like many kids from my 2008 graduating class I was leaving for my summer abroad. Unlike most though, I was on my way to Afghanistan. While fulfilling a lifelong goal of serving my country I would have a crisis of faith that almost ended my life.

In 1990, I was born to a loving mother and father. They provided 18 years of the safest and healthiest childhood any American could dream of. I was truly brought up in a white picket fence Americana life style. This all changed in the fall of 2008 when I joined the Marines.

I finally was able to prove myself and went to MCRD (Marine Corps. Recruit Depot) San Diego for my boot camp. It was the best and hardest time of my life but I enjoyed the challenge. Things really took off when I attended MCT (Marine Combat Training) in January of 2009. This was my first experience with what would be asked of me in the years to come. But as any boot marine I was ready to slay bodies for my country.

I attended MVOC (Motor Vehicle Operator Course) in the spring. And officially entered the fleet in the summer of 2009. I was stationed in NC as a semi Refueler operator. Which meant that my life would consist of fueling everything in the Marine Corps had.

My early years of the Corps. went as expected. Until I went to EMV (Enhanced Mojave Viper) in the winter of 2010. This was my reality check. Not only was I asked to serve my country in the most honorable way but was faced with the reality of what I was trained to do.

This all came to a boiling point when I was participating in FOB (Forward Operating Base) Prospect. With the understanding that this would be our mission to set up FOB’s in Afghanistan we trained like we were already there. While conducting the final stages of this operation we were simulating an all-out assault on our position. With only me and a fellow marine left we fought from a fighting hole till we decided the only way to succeed was to flank our enemy. With a 2-mile sprint, I was able to sneak up on an enemy sniper keeping us suppressed. In a moment, I decided that surrendering my enemy was the moral thing to do. But I was sadly proven wrong when the instructor told me I had just gotten killed and my friend would meet the same fate.

This was my wake-up call. The things I was trained to do where not a game but a fight for survival. I struggled all night long with the ideals I was raised with and the things I was being asked to do. The next day I did the unthinkable. I told my Sgt. That I was done with the Marines. This did not go well.

Through the next couple days, I attempted suicide for the first time and was sent through the command and finally ended up talking to our chaplain. As a person who grew up closely with the church I welcomed the conversation. Little did I know that this would push me to lose my religion. With the chaplain trying to convince me to deploy and do my duty he used the argument that the bible okays killing for your nation. An ideal that was now slipping from me.

My life as a marine was tarnished. I would never be the motivated marine my command once saw. In the weeks leading up until I deployed I was constantly watch and scrutinized. Before I went on pre-deployment leave I was forced to sign an agreement that if I went AWOL that I would be charged with desertion in a war time and would face life in the brig. This was the point where I knew I was going to Afghanistan a decision I did not make lightly but I understood that I had signed up to fight for my nation.

I left the states in march of 2010 on my way to Afghanistan. This started seven months of dissociation and constant moral struggles. I wish I was able to explain what happened but to put it down paper would mean admitting that it was real and is still too much for me to handle at this point. Sufficient to say my deployment was not as bad as many but as I once heard from a fellow vet say “everyone fought their own war and it was the worst thing they ever experienced.”

In October of 2010 I made my way back from my seven months in a personal and physical hell. My first experience I had was walking into a gymnasium with hundreds of people looking for my mother. The colors and sound overwhelmed my senses leaving me in a sense of panic and an inability to recognize even my own mother. She found me in a state of fear and we quickly left. I had never experienced that feeling before. The next stop was a Walmart. This went worst. I experienced the same panic that I had to before except this ended in me losing it and knocking people over to get out of the store. This was the point I knew something was different and wrong,

The next four days I refused to leave the hotel and acknowledge that anything was going on. On the 5^th day my mother left to go back home. This was a breaking point that night I attempted suicide for the second time in my life. After waking up in pain and knowing that I was not successful I continued on for another week till I tried again. At this point my command was noticing that something was going on and brought to the mental health on base. After a ten-minute conversation, they decide I needed meds. And apparently a lot of them within a month I was on six different meds with no one asking me what was actually going on.

For someone who never took a drug a drink or any mind-altering substance before this was an intense experience. I had no idea who I was anymore. Then the faithful day I was offered spice the synthetic marijuana. From this point, I was running to a point of destruction. For the next six months were filled with drinking and drugs that should have killed me. In May of 2011 I was confronted for my actions. With charges of use and possession of spice my military career was over.

That night I had my third suicide attempt which finally ended me in inpatient for the first time. I spent five weeks in the psych ward which was a hell of its own. As part of my initial plea agreement I was able to go to rehab and got sober for the first time. After that I went for my NJP where I plead guilty to all charges but it was decided to use the evidence to bring me to a summary court martial. At my summary court martial the same thing happened. Now I was facing five years in the brig for my decisions. At this point I was given a lawyer who helped me sign a plea for pleading guilty again and received 30 days in the brig and another than honorable discharge.

In January of 2012 I was discharge from the Marines. This was one of the worst days of my life. After 11 months of sobriety I started down the same path. I could not keep any job longer than a couple weeks. I drank a .75 liter every night for 6 months. My life was a living hell of panic attacks, nightmares, depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, self-harm, and paranoia. At this point my family was at the end of helping me. This was an intervention either I would go to get help or I would be homeless. I went to a mental health residential program for seven weeks. I spent nine months in a sober house before relapsing and headed back for another seven weeks of help. At this point I was finally understanding what was going on and that I needed to make changes.

I moved into a mental health supportive housing where I still reside. I still suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and paranoia. But with help from the VA and friends and family I’m moving forward but still every day is a reminder of the guilt of what my deployment meant to me and living with the decisions that one makes.

While my story is one of great triumph or overcoming struggles in a miraculous way, it is mine. I tried to go through my life to not only being the son my parents raised and the Marine the Corp. asked me to be but also a person I could live with being. Living with this is my daily struggle.

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Life Long

Everyone struggles with something in life. Some struggle for brief periods of time and some struggle every day. I belong to the some who struggle every day. Since I was 5 years old I have constantly struggled with mental illness. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, ADD, ADHD, PTSD, and attention deficit Disorder. My dad, step mother, and Step Father physically abused me for most of my life because they didn’t understand what I was going through and my Mother was the only person in my life to try to help me through everything I was dealing with. Unfortunately I did not trust anyone around me due to how I was treated at home and because I was constantly bullied at school because I was different. Eventually the abuse I was facing at my step fathers house led to me going into a state of shock and I tried to hurt my mother because I was so out of it and thought she was my step father. I was 15 at this point and was detained.

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What My Life Is Like Living with a Mental Illness

I have been diagnosed with a long list of mental illnesses. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Out of all of them, BPD affects my life the most. I have had BPD my whole life. From pre-school to elementary, I would cry the night before, the morning of, and during school because I wanted to be with my mother. One of the symptoms of BPD is fear of abandonment/paranoia of being abandoned. I did not want to be separated from my mother because I was afraid of being left behind.

Other symptoms of BPD are: feelings of extreme anger for no reason, a pattern of unstable relationships, disassociation, mood swings, depression, anxiety, impulsive dangerous behavior, feelings of emptiness, distorted and unstable self-image, and self-harm/suicidal ideations.

BPD also affects the way one thinks. They see things only as black or white - there is no gray area. In addition, people with BPD put someone they just met on a pedestal, then immediately drops them if the person says/does something they do not like/approve of. It can be the smallest thing and most times, the person has no idea that they did anything offensive. Having BPD distorts the mind, leaving the person unable to think clearly and logically.

I have burned so many bridges because of my fits of rage, my inability to handle stressful situations, and my attachment issues (fear of abandonment).
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Times Have Changed

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My Demise and Rise

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I have been suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) all my life, along with other mental illnesses. I am currently 29 years old. For the past 24 years or so, I was a freakin’ mess - it was before I was diagnosed with BPD. Before that I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
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I cannot send a message of hope now but I want to in the future. My husband left me with 3 children. Two lost their lives, one to suicide and the other to a drug overdose. I lost both my parents and best friend during this time. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD, borderline personality disorder…Now, after all the years of hard work and guilt and grieving, I was with a man that mentally, and verbally abused me. Used the guilt I had about my children to say I was a bad Mom and killed them. I, in the middle of one of these arguments that put blame and shame upon me, actually got up and punched this man in the mouth. He called 911 and I went to jail. I returned to that home, the idiot that I am, and he called 911 again and I never touched him!! I verbally disagreed with him. The police tried to take pics of the supposed victim but like and behold, no Mark is on him.

I lost everything. My kids. My home. My Dad was a Master Carpenter, cabinet maker. And he made my bed, vanity, mahogany dining table…all beyond my reach.

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My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

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Lifting the Clouds of Recovery

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Motivation and Hope

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Bipolar and Paranoid

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NAMI - You are Not Alone — My Summer Abroad

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

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