As a young woman who has struggled with a mental disorder since a preteen, I have always hoped to see the day when people could openly discuss mental illness free of judgement and stigma. On the surface, I seem to be a “normal, happy” person, who completed school and has a decently successful career. However, I keep my illness hidden to keep from falling behind. So many times I have wanted to discuss with my boss or HR rep how my illness affects my performance and ideal accommodations that would make me a more productive employee. However, I haven’t, for fear of appearing “weak,” “unstable,” or “unable to handle pressure.” NONE of these describe me. If anything, this struggle has proved the opposite. I am STRONG and CAPABLE of handling the pressure of my harshest, meanest critic: myself. I hope that one day, people will not see my illness as something that makes me weak, but something that reflects how strong I truly am to come this far during this lifetime struggle.

I live with mental illness due to trauma and abused growing up in a dysfunctional environment. My mother had mental illness. I feel that mental illness is not contagious. It is a health illness as anyone who lives with any other health illness such as; high blood pressure, heart conditions and other health illness. 

When I was tested and hospitalized I still did not want to accept the fact the mental illness may be genetic. I did not want to accept the fact that all the tests doctors ran on me the results came out that I have an anxiety disorder. It wasn’t until after the death of my fifty one year old sister who I watched her die from Squamous Cell cancer that I realize I have mental illness. 

I refuse to take medication. Reason: my best medication that helps me to live a healthy normal life is meditating in God’s word, Memorizing scriptures and applying them to my daily life that helps me and encourages me to press on in learning to live with mental illness. I am on my way in every day trying to live with mental illness and not allow mental illness in control of my life.

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I was officially diagnosed with both OCD and Anxiety Disorder over 13 years ago. I have struggled with being a perfectionist since I’ve been in grade school, which eventually I realized was a part of my mental illness. I am now 26 years old and a few months ago finally “came out” to everyone I know about my mental illness. Currently, my mental illness issues include social anxiety, OCD, and phobias such as agoraphobia and emetophobia. I realized that by sharing my story it has helped take a weight off my shoulder that had been dragging me down for over a decade. I want others to know of the daily struggles I and others with a mental illness deal with. Most days I cannot even leave my house because of anxiety and I’m afraid to eat food due to my phobia of throwing up. Even though every single day is a struggle, I continue to persevere because life is a gift and my mental illness has helped to show me my own strength.

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My life has been affected in several different ways by mental illness. I have been diagnosed with mental illness—I suffer from depression and have been told that I am bipolar. I choose to manage my diagnosis without medication. My 27 year old daughter suffers from a variety of mental illness diagnosis, but the biggest way my life has been affected is by my son being diagnosed with multiple mental health diagnosis at the early age of 4. I noticed that he was different from most children early on (around 8 months) because he hardly ever slept. I was exhausted as a young mother of 2 babies. His sister was 18 months old when he was born. When he was almost a year old, he was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. He had a very scary seizure because of a high fever and was hospitalized. This was the true beginning. From that point on, we were in and out of doctors and hospitals and I really didnt know what I was supposed to do about his behavior. At the age of 4 he set my house on fire at 3 am in the morning, when everyone else was asleep. At this time, his neurologist had him institutionalized. After several short stays in mental hospitals for children, he was admitted and I was told he would probably be there for about 6 months and he ended up staying in that facility until he was about 12 and I finally was able to have him moved. He was hospitalized and then kept in group homes until he was 18 years old when he finally signed himself out. After he signed himself out, he began to stay in trouble with law enforcement. He had the following diagnoses: Impulse control disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, IQ of 59- that of a 7 year old, schizophrenia, bipolar, OCD, seizure disorder. After several encounters with the law, DJ ended up in an altercation with his godmother and stabbed her in the shoulder blade and the neck. He did not kill her, but when he saw the blood, he immediately called 911 and waited on the side of the road for the officers to get there and was transported to jail and charged with aggravated assault. After a year in the county jail, he plead guilty to these charges and was sentenced to 10 years due 5 and was sent to prison.  DJ was in prison from 2014 until October 2017 when he died in prison. DJ had turned 25 years old one week before his death. DJ was such a free spirit, with no boundaries and a handful to deal with. He had the goofiest smile ever and really worked my nerves any chance he could, but he was my DJ and I loved him no matter what. I spent most of his life with him at these hospitals, having family therapies and celebrating holidays. DJ’s mental illnesses were not handled appropriately and because of this, my son is no longer here on Earth with me. I miss him tremendously and have been suffering from depression a lot more lately. I tried to kill myself in May by taking 160 pills, but obviously God was not ready for me yet. My oldest daughter has been hospitalized in 4 mental hospitals since last year. My youngest 2 children arent speaking to me because they think I was a terrible mother because I let DJ die in prison. This has absolutely torn my family apart. I have joined NAMI because I want to be a voice for my son, for myself and for my family. I want to open Safe Haven homes in his memory and I need help doing this. 

Mental illness has been a part of my life for the past 30 years.  There have been many ups and downs.  There have been times I was hopeless and wanted to die.  Mental illness has even consumed my life at times.  Even so, mental illness does not define me.  I am more than schizoaffective disorder, depression, and bipolar 2.  I am not ashamed to have these disorders.  But I am also more than a label.  I am a unique person who happens to have a mental illness.  I do, however, understand that these labels are important, since they are used in giving the doctors direction in the best treatment for me. 

Having a mental illness has been the worst and best thing to happen to me.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  It has disrupted my life.  It has caused much pain for me and my family.  And it has moved me to the point of almost taking my own life.  Yet, having a mental illness has taught me many things about myself and about life.  I have learned that joy can be found in the simplest of things.  Every day is a day to start over and begin again.  I have seen more love and compassion from family and friends than I may have never seen otherwise.  I am more capable than I would have ever imagined to stand up to the hardest of life’s challenges.   Perseverance has become my friend.  And faith leads to healing for mind, body, and soul.

This thing we call life throws things at us sometimes that can overwhelm us and push us to our limit.  It dangles hope in front of us sometimes, only to jerk it away in an instant.  And just at the moment we think we have it figured out along comes a curve ball in the form of unforeseen relapses and occasional hospitalizations.  Mental illness has robbed me of many years of productivity and happiness.  But it has also led me to where I am today.  And that is a good place.  It is a place that I never dreamed I would be.  I am blessed with a wife who loves and understands me and a son who loves me unconditionally.  I have a sense of purpose and a desire to help others who are living with a mental illness. 

Yes, having a mental illness takes away so much from people.  However, learning to live life with a mental illness can give a new sense of meaning and purpose.  Finding this meaning and purpose is a process that takes time and patience.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  And discovering meaning in the pain of mental illness won’t come overnight. 

I believe that real meaning in life can be found in the quality, not quantity, of life that we have.  Because, of the treatment I have received and the help of many caring people I am able to experience the quality of life that escaped me for many, many years.  Now, I am convinced there is a purpose for my pain.  My life has meaning.  And, hope, is a common word in my vocabulary.  There is hope.  There is always hope.  Mental illness does not define me.  It is not who I am.  It is something I am learning to live with and overcome every day.  By the grace of God, my future is bright.  And I am determined to shine the light of hope on others who may also be living with a mental illness. 

May is Mental Illness Awareness Month.  Each year it brings up memories that I have tried to forget for over 40 years.  This year I am tearing down the walls I’ve built around my mental illness memories and cycles of suffering.  This year I am being vulnerable and engaging in a conversation about the shame and stigma around mental illness by sharing my personal story with you. 

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Some thoughts about mental illness from a person with M.I. and also a person who is the parent of a person with M.I. I will be abbreviating M.I. for mental illness.

A person with M.I. is not ‘demon possessed’. This is cruel to say this to the parent of an M.I. person. I was told, ‘I’m praying for ’M’, that he would be healed of his demon possession’. 

For real? This made me feel very hurt, offended, etc. It had the effect of revving up my own M.I. with depression and anxiety. When a person is a Christian and a believer they can’t be demon possessed. Since both ’M’ and I are believers and have accepted Jesus as our Savior, we have both been prayed over and anointed with oil. We aren’t demon possessed.

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Mental illness is not a character flaw, it is a illness of the mind and yet the medical profession still seems to not understand. My son Matt, age 38, died eight weeks ago. He had cancer, but died from his mental illness. Matt had suffered from a severe form of depression since he was 15 years of age. At time, he did ok, but then would not take the medications because “he wanted to be just like the other guys”. But he was far from that. He lived on and off on the streets, sometimes staying in touch, sometimes not. Although he had the IQ of a creative genius, his mental illness always prevented him from developing a full life.

June 2014, Matt contacted me, his mom, and showed me a growth on his neck. With much discussion, he agreed to have a doctor look at it. It was diagnosed as metastasized cancer of the neck. Matt agreed to start immediate treatment much to my relief. Two weeks later, a severe depression took hold and he no longer stayed in touch. He also no longer sought treatment.

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My name is Melinda Talarico and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder about 10 years ago. I wanted to share two poems that I really loved and that really helped me get through my mental illness.

A SILENT LANGUAGE

My mental illness is

a silent language…

for, it is masked

by happiness and sunshine…

my mental illness is faded

by aspects we  have traded

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The Top Four Killers of People with Mental illness

People who know that I am grappling with mental illness have on occasion asked me if I think they might be dealing with some form of depression or mental illness. Owning and operating bars most my life has made me a very good listener. I tell them to seek professional counsel yet, more often than not, they view mental illness as a weakness. When mental illness changes you and your family dynamics well, yes, you have a problem.

Here are two phrases gaining acceptance in the psychiatric community:

1. Suicidal ideations. Basically it means that you have intent or actually have made plans to take your own life. It can either be a slow progression or it may come upon you suddenly as it did with me. Whatever the situation, immediate clinical assistance is imperative.

2. Neuro-typical. The phrase originated in the autistic community which means you are not on the autistic spectrum. Today it has progressed to mean anyone not suffering with some form of mental illness. Being non neuro-typical means your brain is struggling with some form of mental imbalance.

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