Bridges to Now
Past
My past self looked across the waters of life and saw coal-colored storm clouds standing atop tar pit waves of impending doom. Those were the patterns of my perceptions as a man reconciling childhood trauma, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and a fragmented self always feeling the constricting anacondas of self-shame and self-abuse. If things were appearing bright, looking up, the anacondas would tighten and squeeze the lungs out of joyful future visions.
My past self (selves, I reckon there were a few) wasn’t and weren’t aware of thoughts, feelings, or behavior patterns, nor how they interacted. I knew that a good chunk of the time, I was scared to death…of everything. There was never a day without obstacle and, thanks to the anacondas and patterns within, they were all big. My days were filled with nothing but throwing fear darts at my own heart and mind to get some kind of reaction. This is self-abuse at its finest, my friends.
All of the energy manufactured by mind and body was manifested into unkind, unsympathetic, uncaring thoughts and actions toward myself. This flowed outward into the world and was boomeranged right back to me. I was stuck in an endless loop of…well…shit.
I could not figure it out. I was getting help. I was taking meds. I was going to groups. I was reading self-help books. I was talking to therapists. What the helsinki was going on here, my friends? What I had yet to figure out was that I had power, but had no idea how to use it.
All of my energy was absorbed in self-assessment and self-control. My friends, these systems were already designed really, really well by God and there I was fidgeting with the damn buttons. The only thing…the ONLY thing I ever had to do and still have to do…was and is get the hell out of the way and let things work as they should.
Present
This is the only place that exists in the real. This is where I prefer to be much of the time. Right here. Right now. If I am truly here…right now, there is nothing to want and nowhere to go and it is the most blissful state I’ve ever encountered. I’m fully aware of the patterns of the past. Just by being aware of them, they lose their power.
I am kind to myself. I love myself. I talk to myself calmly, with a heart smile, and see the positives about myself and life. I meditate daily. I smile at the sun. I talk to my toes, my calves, my thighs, my torso, my arms, my fingers, my head, my organs, my cells, bacteria, and the unknowns that exist within. I talk to them as I would an other entity, because they are entities.
I say to them: thank you for allowing me to sense the world, wiggle my toes and my fingers, smell fresh cut grass, taste key lime pie, and hear the sounds of nature. It’s kind of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhoodie, but who gives a shit. I have trillions of cells and bacteria on me and within me. If not for them, I’m not writing this. I talk to them and thank them.
The most beneficial tool of my present is meditation. Even when patterns of the past enter my awareness, I can now sit with most of them. Sometimes it isn’t pleasant, but the longer I sit and focus only on breathing, and can see the thoughts and feelings associated with the patterns come and go, the less power they have over me. Does my body react when I see the thoughts and patterns? Yes, very much sometimes. I feel my heart rate increase, my body crunches as if in a vice, fear swells up, and muscle tension often accompanies. The funny thing is, I’m sitting on the floor in my apartment. None of this shit is real. These patterns are only in my mind. I often laugh at them. They are quite comical.
I still have symptoms, people. Meditation has allowed me to sit with and see through the fear. What does this mean? This means I go to work and comfort persons who are often actively dying. This was a huge accomplishment for me. I use to be scared to death of death. I’m working through my fear by comforting others during their transition from life to death and I’m writing this article. Am I still scared? Sometimes I am.
The fear I once felt is diminished for a couple of reasons in my estimation. One is time. Two is sitting with, feeling, being, and knowing that all of the past labels are not me. They are not who I am.
Future
I don’t know. I AM a revolutionary author and innovator living in paradise with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. Could be a man too, as long as he looks and acts like a woman. Did I Just say that? Oh well, whatever. That’s another article… or articles.
Bridges to Now
- Friends and family = Thank you. Love you guys.
- Medication = I do not like medication, at all. That being said, it has helped bridge me to this point in my life.
- Activity = Swimming and walking mainly.
- Social Activity = Working on it.
- Therapy = I’ve worked with some amazing therapists. Thank you all.
- Online Venues = medium, thrive, slack, twitter, facebook, linkedin, google, and more. Thank you for providing the technology and a platform for connection and self-expression. Is it real connection? Why not call it a BRIDGE?
- God = Supercedes everything. Is everything. Thank YOU for creating a life and a me that works incredibly well if I simply get the hell out of the way. I love YOU.
