I first began to experience symptoms of bipolar disorder in my early teens. i was put on Lithium while in a hospital and right away the almost catatonic depression I was in began to ease. From there on in, it seemed medication would be the answer to everything that was wrong with me. For years i was on every depression medication available, tricyclics, MAO inhibitors–when one stopped working, I was simply put on something else. Then things got better and I needed no medication through my twenties. i still struggled with lows, but there were no suicide attempts, I was able to live and love, to work and, for the most part, even enjoy life. Then, at the age of 29 I had a manic episode and my medication nightmare began.

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            My name is Jennifer and I am a recovered mental illness survivor—

            I have endured severe mental illness for over half my life.  During that time, I suffered from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

            Due to the depression, my behaviors ranged from excessive crying to excessive sleeping to suicide attempts.  I felt feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.  All I thought I wanted to do was die.   But in fact, what I really wanted was help with overcoming my severe sadness.

            During my manic states, I endured impulsive, spontaneous, and irresponsible behaviors.  I felt on top of world.  I felt excessive amounts of energy.  I had racing thoughts.  I had delusions of grandeur.  I’ll be honest.  It felt great to be so high, but it is also very dangerous.  Risky behaviors can lead to much endangerment of self and others.

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I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid.  I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d.  I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony.  I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch.  I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable.  My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom.  We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background.  Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us.  My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.  

I feel for my husband and 9 year old son that they have had to not only deal with me being Bipolar type 1 but for the past 2 years now they have had to deal with me being in a psychosis and very paranoid.  I also have ADHD, PTSD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder where I do have panic attacks, schizoaffective disorder, kleptomania, OCD, and possibly now split personalities. Ive tried committing suicide when I was young and I always have had thoughts. I have an eating disorder and impulse disorderThere are more but Im trying to not be 302’d.  I was in a car accident because of the illnesses and all the medications my doctor prescribed me and traumas I was dealing with in my environment that led me to get a DUI because of the ADHD med and I got a felony.  I believe the police officer was not trained in mental illness even though he lied on the stand and said he was and he 302’d me for a week. And then put in jail on suicide watch.  I received no help from the community and my illness just kept getting worse and I decided to give up rights to my son until I become more stable.  My husband and I were homeless for about a year and now he lives with my son and his grandma and I live with my stepmom.  We also went thru 2 discrimination cases that went no where because who are people going to believe, a non-profit organization or a mentally ill addict with a criminal background.  Im trying to have faith in my community that things will start getting better for all of us.  My only hope lands on believing that there is a GOD.  

Hello my name is Amanda I have had mental illness for multiple years from manic depression, PTSD, and many other things that I am not sure what they are yet am on medications for but they are not really helping that much. I have been to the hospital many times and have lost everything plus everyone that means anything to me that I love or care about since I went to using drugs since I didn’t know how to deal with my mental illness. I hold everything in and it’s very hard for me to open up or deal with things or talk to people face to face or in group settings yet I’m currently trying to get help for that in fact today I’ve been sober for 25 days. I still need a lot of therapy and a lot of support plus need to get into some group yet was just referred to your guys website from a staff member from the treatment center that I’m at right now so I’ve been doing some research and thought that I would reach out and write a little about myself and maybe you guys could reach back out to me and help me along in my recovery. 

I know I am not alone. I realize that now. So I want to share my story and hopefully show others that it does get better. At the age of 15 I was diagnosed with a unspecific psychosis. Before that even happened I was experiencing massive levels of depression and too many hallucinations to count. That was pre-medication and those were dark ages. I hide what I was feeling inside, the suicidal thoughts, from my mother and father. I also didn’t want them to know that I had a self-harm problem, a bad one. Though when I thought this was getting way beyond my control, I finally told them. I was taken to therapy and then from there I was sent to a partial care program. I ended up being in the program 3 times in the past 2 years. I ended up in an even higher level of care also 3 times. I was hospitalized for suicide attempts. I was abused sexually by an ex. boyfriend. To this day I have flash backs on the things he use to do and I cry at any reminders of him. I’ve been through a lot. I am 17 as of now and it’s been hard but I am now ready to tell people what I’ve been through. I call myself the Schizo Survivor because I am surviving. I am not alone. I have found many resources and help from many people. I am now medicated. I am now opening up to therapy. I am surviving! Things might get worse but I will keep living to see them get better because I will be victorious! I will continue to live my life and function even with these disorders because I can make it.

Hello, I wanted to write to those attempting to understand mental illness. My name is Jori, I spent my entire life not knowing or understanding why most people didn’t see the things I saw or heard the things I heard so I always knew I was gifted and a chosen one in my mind. My mother was diagnosed with 8 personalities and my father had severe mental illness too which I am not sure was ever diagnosed but because of his alcohol and drug addictions, I am not sure if people assumed his addictions were the issue which was just a bandage for the real problems in his mind.

I first began to notice I had something wrong when I was about 14 and I would snap, once attacking my mother whom I hated and throwing her to the floor in attempt to kill her. I was removed from the home and lived with a family which I observed kindness and loving relationships which was my first opportunity to see things in the home I came from were not acceptable as far as neglect and verbal, mental and sexual abuse.

I never graduated from high school and had two children with two different fathers who abandoned me during my pregnancies, leaving me to care for my children as a single parent. I did not know that I was supposed to bath my children and my oldest got an infection and had to have a surgery on his penis which flared up from never being cleaned by the age of 3. My fear was keeping him safe and not abusing him. I also would give my children a cup of chocolate milk and a vitamin in the morning and send them off to school without a lunch. The school finally began giving my children the free lunch programs so they would have something to eat. I never learned to cook or do self care until I observed friends caring for themselves. Life was tough, life was lonely and the loneliness has never left me for some reason I hold a hatred for my parents still to this day and I am 48.

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*TRIGGER WARNING*

My son is eight years old and has had problems with mental illness which worsened at age five. At this time it began, it was hard for me to take him grocery shopping or completing small tasks throughout the day. It was hard to get anyone to babysit him as he would attack the other children within the first hour of me dropping him off. I thought this was just a phase. I decided just being patient with him and continuing to establish boundaries would help. Until one day I received a call from the school saying they had to call the police as his rage intensified suddenly and he started banging his head on the wall and scratching his face until it bled while saying he wanted to die and he was going to shoot himself with a gun. He was checked into a psych unit that day for the first time. After he was released and on meds he was better, I set him up with a psychiatrist and a play therapist and things went well for over a year.

A little back ground history, at the age of three I had a person I thought I could trust watch him while I went to work. After about the third time I noticed my son had a slight black eye. He told me what happened and I pressed charges. The friend I thought we could trust had told my son that if he tell anyone that he hit him he would kill him. (my son at the age of 8 remembers this quite well and is still upset about it- thus contributing to some of his anger I believe)

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Mental illness that is? 

I saw this on morning News.  You see most people with Mental illness will do extraordinary things to connect.  The perception of mental illness is the biggest block to connection.  I have written on Facebook, letters to Oprah,Senators,Lawyers. as a result I was forced to resign my teaching career. Since I have been arrested several times, not for deed but for fear. I have been harassed by police at home a dozen times not for deed but for the need to scare. When I hear the dogs bark I’m afraid.  But I still reach out to connect as I am now.  I could use legal help for the mess I’m in.  My civil liberties for the last four years have been exploited and my mental illness targeted.  Mental illness means you think different.  Those differences generate hatred for fear of the unknown.  For four years hatred toward me has grown.  Fortunate for me I saw a therapist right away.  I took my medications as prescribed and I am dealing with those demons that formed me.   Sexual abuse, child neglect, child endangerment, alcoholic parents, schizophrenic sister, ……  literally. 

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And I knew I wasn’t right 

So I planned on going that Friday night 

And I knew I wasn’t okay

Making it the perfect place for me to stay 

See, for most, a mental hospital isn’t a choice 

It’s one of those things where you are left without a voice 

Brought there suddenly against your will

Then before you know it, you are given a bunch of random pills 

But for me, it was where I was supposed to be

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