NAMI - You are Not Alone — Everything All At Once

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Everything All At Once

I became clinically depressed when I was 12 years old. I was scared that I was going crazy, I did not want to have to ask for help, as I am usually a person that can take care of herself. I thought I was a burden to other people. In the beginning, instead of the intense pain, it was the absence of every emotion. I was numb. It terrified me, and out of my fear I did anything to make it stop. I lied to people, I abused the trust of people I loved. It is one of the biggest mistake I have ever made. After months of putting on a fake face and telling a story that was no where near what I was truly feeling, the pain hit me like a bus. I fell asleep choking on my tears and would come home, shut my door, hold a knife or a belt in my hand breathing heavily with a racing heart, believing there was nothing left for me in the world. I wrote countless notes to the people who betrayed me in the time I needed them most, continuously apologizing for the things I thought I’d done. After almost two years in darkness, I felt I was ready to change things. After so long, depression became my self place. I found comfort in it, which was why I refrained from seeking the help I needed. I pushed my broken heart into asking a friend I trusted if I could talk. With my luck, she did everything one should do when talking to someone with a condition like mine. She listened, supported, and wanted nothing more than to help and to take my pain away. It is because of her that I am here today, saying that I am now recovering from severe depression and anxiety. There are more days now that I feel okay, I see a future where I am truly happy. My depression is still with me, there is never a day that I am not reminded of it. I see it in the scars on my wrist, every time I feel tears running down my face, when I feel lonely or unloved. With a love of music and art I found a passion that gave me joy. With the support of just one person, I found the hope I needed to keep going. All it takes is one word of understanding, one expression of love, one minute of listening to be a light in someone’s darkness. Something as small as “I love you, I care about you, and I’m here to listen”, saved my life.

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